(no subject)
so my brother downloaded a bunch of Rooney this evening, and it reminds me of the OC and Adam Brody hardcore, and I'm sorry, but I am the kind of person who was depressed after watching the finale, and continues to be upset at the prospect of another...four months till it returns. FOUR MONTHS! What about my darling baby Seth all alone out on the ocean in that little ass boat? And what about little brokenhearted Summer all home? And Ryan going to Chino for a baby that isn't even his?(I'm sorry, but it's sooooo Eddie's baby...) Arrrgh! Only one thing left to do I guess: download Rooney, buy MixTape 1, and pull out the tapes of episodes past. Hm.. that would be three things, but rest assured, I'll be sure to do them all.
Aside from OC withdrawl, things are pretty alright. Well, at least things are going so well in some aspects of my life that I feel like a bitch complaining about those aspects that are going wrong. But I'm a self-centered person, so what the hell...
It just goes to show that there is balance in the universe, because all my bad points are totally countered with good ones, and even the bad things in my life can be traced exactly back to what I did to deserve them. The most obvious case in point? GREG -- yes we all knew that name would be popping up again (or if the name didn't pop up, realize that he was undoubtedly present in lj's past in topic, if not by name.) Three months ago, when I got back together with Teen, and then again a month later when I broke up with him, I felt like an asshole and bitch for having hurt Greg in that way, but I never ever EVER imagined that Karma would make a sweeping 180 and come back to knock me on my ass. What was the lesson I learned from my dalliance with the past? That what's done is done. Granted, I do still love Teen, (and granted Greg may still love Jenna,) but getting back together was a backwards step, and one I took mostly because I was afraid to move on and away. To be with somebody just because it's comfortable, just because you know how good it can be, and just because you know it's safer than taking the chance and being with somebody else...at the risk of sounding juvenile, that's just LAME. My relationship with Teen and Greg's relationship with Jenna seem like very similar situations: both two-year relationships that yielded both extreme intimacy, extreme comfort, extreme compatibility; but at the same time inevitably, too much attachment, a false sense of security, and a sort of handicap when it comes to new relationships: essentially, after somebody who was your first for almost everything-- not just physically, but in terms of intimacy and trust as well-- how can you start over? How can you accept those awkward initial stages in comparison to something that's so fluid and familiar you barely have to make an effort?
My issue when it came to deciding between Greg and Martin was this: how do you choose between somebody you love and somebody you like? How do you choose between somebody you know inside and out, and somebody you feel a spark with? How do you choose between something that's really good, and something that just might be better?
I want to think that he's just afraid to be with me.I want to think that all those things he told me two weeks ago about being too afraid to start something because he might become too attached and then I'd just be gone in the fall... I want to think that those were honest remarks. About me being "the coolest girl" he's ever met, about him caring about me a lot, about him hating the distance and the shit that created our situation's tension and impossibility... I want to believe that it all rounds out to him just being afraid to step away from what he and Jenna were in the same way that I was too afraid to step away from Teen.
But what if I'm wrong? What if all those words were just lies, or just exaggerations, or just what he thought sounded like the right thing to say at the time? I don't want to believe that he'd waste all the effort, would waste all the time, or that he would play me like that... but what if he did.
All I've been doing for the past two weeks is trying to "get over it" and to "not think about him." Such lies. I spent an entire free block trying to write a sonnet and then a pantoum about the way I feel; have spent the last fourteen nights staring at the nighttime ceiling remembering our moments together and replaying songs like "Old Love" and "You and I Both;" I put his picture opposite Teen's in my photo album, and have posted song lyrics about him in my profile, my xanga, and here. I'm obviously not over him, and obviously still thinking about it. How long is enough time to say honestly and with real assurance that I'm alright?
How ironic that the Rooney song on my mediaplayer right now is "ABC's of Love"
Aside from OC withdrawl, things are pretty alright. Well, at least things are going so well in some aspects of my life that I feel like a bitch complaining about those aspects that are going wrong. But I'm a self-centered person, so what the hell...
It just goes to show that there is balance in the universe, because all my bad points are totally countered with good ones, and even the bad things in my life can be traced exactly back to what I did to deserve them. The most obvious case in point? GREG -- yes we all knew that name would be popping up again (or if the name didn't pop up, realize that he was undoubtedly present in lj's past in topic, if not by name.) Three months ago, when I got back together with Teen, and then again a month later when I broke up with him, I felt like an asshole and bitch for having hurt Greg in that way, but I never ever EVER imagined that Karma would make a sweeping 180 and come back to knock me on my ass. What was the lesson I learned from my dalliance with the past? That what's done is done. Granted, I do still love Teen, (and granted Greg may still love Jenna,) but getting back together was a backwards step, and one I took mostly because I was afraid to move on and away. To be with somebody just because it's comfortable, just because you know how good it can be, and just because you know it's safer than taking the chance and being with somebody else...at the risk of sounding juvenile, that's just LAME. My relationship with Teen and Greg's relationship with Jenna seem like very similar situations: both two-year relationships that yielded both extreme intimacy, extreme comfort, extreme compatibility; but at the same time inevitably, too much attachment, a false sense of security, and a sort of handicap when it comes to new relationships: essentially, after somebody who was your first for almost everything-- not just physically, but in terms of intimacy and trust as well-- how can you start over? How can you accept those awkward initial stages in comparison to something that's so fluid and familiar you barely have to make an effort?
My issue when it came to deciding between Greg and Martin was this: how do you choose between somebody you love and somebody you like? How do you choose between somebody you know inside and out, and somebody you feel a spark with? How do you choose between something that's really good, and something that just might be better?
I want to think that he's just afraid to be with me.I want to think that all those things he told me two weeks ago about being too afraid to start something because he might become too attached and then I'd just be gone in the fall... I want to think that those were honest remarks. About me being "the coolest girl" he's ever met, about him caring about me a lot, about him hating the distance and the shit that created our situation's tension and impossibility... I want to believe that it all rounds out to him just being afraid to step away from what he and Jenna were in the same way that I was too afraid to step away from Teen.
But what if I'm wrong? What if all those words were just lies, or just exaggerations, or just what he thought sounded like the right thing to say at the time? I don't want to believe that he'd waste all the effort, would waste all the time, or that he would play me like that... but what if he did.
All I've been doing for the past two weeks is trying to "get over it" and to "not think about him." Such lies. I spent an entire free block trying to write a sonnet and then a pantoum about the way I feel; have spent the last fourteen nights staring at the nighttime ceiling remembering our moments together and replaying songs like "Old Love" and "You and I Both;" I put his picture opposite Teen's in my photo album, and have posted song lyrics about him in my profile, my xanga, and here. I'm obviously not over him, and obviously still thinking about it. How long is enough time to say honestly and with real assurance that I'm alright?
How ironic that the Rooney song on my mediaplayer right now is "ABC's of Love"