(no subject)
oi! i can't wait to be in the south. until recent one of the things i was most looking forward to was the getting there, but lately i find myself wishing i could just teleport into the dirty. i feel this weird stress cloud looming above me but it's dodgy and i can't put my finger on it. i know i'm stressed because it's effin cold, and i'll be going through desert which is excruciatingly cold at night, and sleeping by the road at night, and the recent cold front has reminded me that my wardrobe is NOT up to that. i'm also worried about luna lady because she's so young, and so curious, and i feel like i'll be waking up twenty times a night making sure she's still in my sweater. i'm bringing her carrier but i can't put her in it at night because 1) she'll be too cold and 2) i don't want her vulnerable to potential predators or harsh things in general because she's got a sensitive eye that likes to get crusty and rats are prone to eye infections.
ARG!
WHAT THE FUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why this all of a sudden? i'm usually pretty alright at handling unsureness but i feel so damn foggy that i have an unsureness about what i'm unsure of at this point and THAT''S where the anxiety comes in. here in oly, i feel like the things that are making me feel unready to leave are mainly environmental, as in weather and living conditions. i'm worried about cory but it's fluttering on anger and i don't know how to be mad at him, and i hate being mad at him. i just don't want to be mad. i've been mad for so long now; since i left minneapolis. i'm just so tired of being mad. life IS ecstatic intercourse between destruction and creation. rage and love. tears and laughter. but this is balance, and i'm not feeling that. the part of my anger that is obstructing feels unconstructive and chemical and i feel like all i can do is curse curse curse the dark alchemist behind it BUT MY CURSES ARE NO GOOD IF THEY ARE NOT SPELLS.
i need to feel sweat on my skin...i did live modeling at the olympia center tonight, and during one of my poses a bead of sweat rolled down my inner arm and onto my waist. it made me smile and laugh.
nebilhgioehhifhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh89435uiogh4uo5erht8og34y80ghjklg
<30000 to bama, mississippi, montana and oly
ARG!
WHAT THE FUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why this all of a sudden? i'm usually pretty alright at handling unsureness but i feel so damn foggy that i have an unsureness about what i'm unsure of at this point and THAT''S where the anxiety comes in. here in oly, i feel like the things that are making me feel unready to leave are mainly environmental, as in weather and living conditions. i'm worried about cory but it's fluttering on anger and i don't know how to be mad at him, and i hate being mad at him. i just don't want to be mad. i've been mad for so long now; since i left minneapolis. i'm just so tired of being mad. life IS ecstatic intercourse between destruction and creation. rage and love. tears and laughter. but this is balance, and i'm not feeling that. the part of my anger that is obstructing feels unconstructive and chemical and i feel like all i can do is curse curse curse the dark alchemist behind it BUT MY CURSES ARE NO GOOD IF THEY ARE NOT SPELLS.
i need to feel sweat on my skin...i did live modeling at the olympia center tonight, and during one of my poses a bead of sweat rolled down my inner arm and onto my waist. it made me smile and laugh.
nebilhgioehhifhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh89435uiogh4uo5erht8og34y80ghjklg
<30000 to bama, mississippi, montana and oly