Open letter to S- A. J-
Dear S-,
I haven't seen you in at least six years; haven't heard from you in five. I'm so sorry that I didn't answer your last email. There was a lot going on, and then my email account got canceled and I lost your new address. Last I remember, you were in North Carolina. I've hunted for you on the 'net without success. I know you are originally from just up the road from where I am now living, and I've thought of calling all the J-'s in the phonebook to try to find you. You know me, though. Too shy to bother strangers.
I miss you a lot. Sometimes a whole lot. Sometimes painfully. I wonder where you are, what you are doing for a living, how your health is, if you are still charming every woman you meet (I'm sure this one hasn't changed). I hope that, whatever the answers to those questions, you are happy. I pray for you sometimes.
I remember so much. I remember the sound of your voice calling me 'Sweetie.' I remember you sitting at the computer in your underwear & socks. I remember your nightmares when you fell asleep facing away from me. I remember feeding you cheesecake, after. I remember. I remember the way you held me so tight, all night, every night; I remember never wanting to be anywhere else. I remember you playing with my hair in the line at MacDonald's, telling me how you most liked me to wear it. I remember playing pool at the bar. I remember your boot in front of my toes on the floor of your truck. I remember our first date, the rose, the movie, the waitress at Denny's. I remember your hands and eyes and... Sometimes I wish I could remember less. I remember trusting you.
Sometimes I think I know why you didn't stay with me. There was your health and your history and you were older. If I am right, I'm angry that you made your decision without me. I didn't care about those things then, and I don't care now. You might be permanently disabled by now; I still wouldn't care.
I should thank you, though, for so much. For loving me honestly; for being the best lover I could hope for. For being trustworthy. For trusting me and giving me control when I asked for it. For seeing my innocence and naivete as things precious, to be protected and valued. Thank you for helping me see myself as beautiful and sexy; that is still a gift. Thank you for being careful. And even when I am angry at you for the choice you made, I appreciate that you were always honest about it and never lied to take advantage of what it could get you.
I don't know if things went as they were meant to for us or if we made a mistake somewhere. Either way, I have never stopped wanting you. Maybe it really wasn't in the plan, for us to have more. As much as I miss you after these years, as angry as I have been with you, I am still thankful to and grateful for you. Wherever you are now, I love you.
Until Then,
H-
I haven't seen you in at least six years; haven't heard from you in five. I'm so sorry that I didn't answer your last email. There was a lot going on, and then my email account got canceled and I lost your new address. Last I remember, you were in North Carolina. I've hunted for you on the 'net without success. I know you are originally from just up the road from where I am now living, and I've thought of calling all the J-'s in the phonebook to try to find you. You know me, though. Too shy to bother strangers.
I miss you a lot. Sometimes a whole lot. Sometimes painfully. I wonder where you are, what you are doing for a living, how your health is, if you are still charming every woman you meet (I'm sure this one hasn't changed). I hope that, whatever the answers to those questions, you are happy. I pray for you sometimes.
I remember so much. I remember the sound of your voice calling me 'Sweetie.' I remember you sitting at the computer in your underwear & socks. I remember your nightmares when you fell asleep facing away from me. I remember feeding you cheesecake, after. I remember. I remember the way you held me so tight, all night, every night; I remember never wanting to be anywhere else. I remember you playing with my hair in the line at MacDonald's, telling me how you most liked me to wear it. I remember playing pool at the bar. I remember your boot in front of my toes on the floor of your truck. I remember our first date, the rose, the movie, the waitress at Denny's. I remember your hands and eyes and... Sometimes I wish I could remember less. I remember trusting you.
Sometimes I think I know why you didn't stay with me. There was your health and your history and you were older. If I am right, I'm angry that you made your decision without me. I didn't care about those things then, and I don't care now. You might be permanently disabled by now; I still wouldn't care.
I should thank you, though, for so much. For loving me honestly; for being the best lover I could hope for. For being trustworthy. For trusting me and giving me control when I asked for it. For seeing my innocence and naivete as things precious, to be protected and valued. Thank you for helping me see myself as beautiful and sexy; that is still a gift. Thank you for being careful. And even when I am angry at you for the choice you made, I appreciate that you were always honest about it and never lied to take advantage of what it could get you.
I don't know if things went as they were meant to for us or if we made a mistake somewhere. Either way, I have never stopped wanting you. Maybe it really wasn't in the plan, for us to have more. As much as I miss you after these years, as angry as I have been with you, I am still thankful to and grateful for you. Wherever you are now, I love you.
Until Then,
H-