Empty
I feel consumed by this negative energy, by this weight. I have spurts of inspiration, of strength, but am always pulled down again. Daily. I'm sick of it. Andrew was a crutch of sorts. Concentrating on caring for him made it easy to pass through my days without goals. And now- my days are fine. I see family and friends. Just got a job with the most precious children. And am exercising to feel physically strong. But still, this emptiness. It's that same feeling I get from those unhappy reality TV stars; they are full of narcissism based on very little. They don't stand for anything, but just give into decadence. What do I stand for? At worst, I feel superficial, without common sense, and lazy (in need of instant gratification). At best, I feel like I have empathy, which could lead to great things if not for the above 3 traits.
Missing him is tearing. me. apart. (because I'm letting it)
He's not even right for me!!! I can't picture my life with him- can't, can't, can't. And I don't know if this is TMI, but I can (sort of) see myself having his children. And them turning out as such sweet babies. What does that mean?!
(edit July 24th: I think it means that I saw some things in him that I would want in a future partner and in my children, but of course, ultimately there are qualities that are completely unacceptable/unbearable and that's why we ended.)
I'm so angry with him still. The way he left things. And I'm so embarrassed- no, mortified- I lost all dignity and self-respect in this hell-hole of a mess. Begging him to be together again after those horrible things I said to him.... what was I thinking?
I oscillate between thinking Andrew has no heart and thinking that he can hide his pain really well. It's probably somewhere in the middle. I can't believe he's with someone else. Even though if I met someone right for me, I don't know if I would wait. Out of respect though, I thought he would. Maybe I'm holding him to too high of a standard. It's probably because I was always waiting... to be proved right, that he had... somewhere in him... this nobility or some inexplicable trait that was the worthiest of all traits. I just don't know now.
continuation of the edit... I was so hurt that he wanted to "be friends" because I would rather him hate me or love me or feel some strong emotion instead of something so ordinary... how many people am I "friends" with? I wonder if he's so mature that he can handle going from a relationship to a friendship or if his feelings for me had died a long time ago and that's why he thought it would be reasonable.
Missing him is tearing. me. apart. (because I'm letting it)
He's not even right for me!!! I can't picture my life with him- can't, can't, can't. And I don't know if this is TMI, but I can (sort of) see myself having his children. And them turning out as such sweet babies. What does that mean?!
(edit July 24th: I think it means that I saw some things in him that I would want in a future partner and in my children, but of course, ultimately there are qualities that are completely unacceptable/unbearable and that's why we ended.)
I'm so angry with him still. The way he left things. And I'm so embarrassed- no, mortified- I lost all dignity and self-respect in this hell-hole of a mess. Begging him to be together again after those horrible things I said to him.... what was I thinking?
I oscillate between thinking Andrew has no heart and thinking that he can hide his pain really well. It's probably somewhere in the middle. I can't believe he's with someone else. Even though if I met someone right for me, I don't know if I would wait. Out of respect though, I thought he would. Maybe I'm holding him to too high of a standard. It's probably because I was always waiting... to be proved right, that he had... somewhere in him... this nobility or some inexplicable trait that was the worthiest of all traits. I just don't know now.
continuation of the edit... I was so hurt that he wanted to "be friends" because I would rather him hate me or love me or feel some strong emotion instead of something so ordinary... how many people am I "friends" with? I wonder if he's so mature that he can handle going from a relationship to a friendship or if his feelings for me had died a long time ago and that's why he thought it would be reasonable.