(no subject)
Jealousy
Can rip your heart out
Jealousy
Can turn a hand into a fist
--bte
...and that it has.
Being somewhat alone and somewhat friendless in New York has promoted and encouraged thinking, self-indulgent thinking, self-analytical thinking. Partnered with that obsessive thinking are events and words and telephone conversations that make my cycle of doubt pedal even harder.
A conversation with someone in Austin on Thanksgiving. He said, "We really miss you. I wish you were around." And I said, "I'm easier to miss because I'm not there."
A conversation with someone in Austin on Thanksgiving. She said, "I always know that I should call you because you're the one person who won't tiptoe around me about important issues." And I thought, with my slippered ballet feet, "I walk on eggshells everyday."
A conversation with someone(so many someones!) near Austin on Thanksgiving. And we talked about rockandroll and newyorkcity and being hungry to move and shake and make your own future. I realized how many petty jealousies I had let alter my side of our friendship (I will take responsibility). So many times that I seethed because I am too lazy and scared and unconfident and self-conscious and (worse) self-doubting and he had something I wanted that I knew I could probably obtain if I'd take my fire-engine-red-painted-toes and plunge them into the frigid water. Who knows? Maybe the water is warm. And I love him as my friend but I forget to tell him and that could be the biggest of all my mistakes.
I am jealous and I hate and I burn because people feel free to grab what I think belongs to me. Little do I realize that nothing belongs to this greedy, grasping girl.
Can rip your heart out
Jealousy
Can turn a hand into a fist
--bte
...and that it has.
Being somewhat alone and somewhat friendless in New York has promoted and encouraged thinking, self-indulgent thinking, self-analytical thinking. Partnered with that obsessive thinking are events and words and telephone conversations that make my cycle of doubt pedal even harder.
A conversation with someone in Austin on Thanksgiving. He said, "We really miss you. I wish you were around." And I said, "I'm easier to miss because I'm not there."
A conversation with someone in Austin on Thanksgiving. She said, "I always know that I should call you because you're the one person who won't tiptoe around me about important issues." And I thought, with my slippered ballet feet, "I walk on eggshells everyday."
A conversation with someone(so many someones!) near Austin on Thanksgiving. And we talked about rockandroll and newyorkcity and being hungry to move and shake and make your own future. I realized how many petty jealousies I had let alter my side of our friendship (I will take responsibility). So many times that I seethed because I am too lazy and scared and unconfident and self-conscious and (worse) self-doubting and he had something I wanted that I knew I could probably obtain if I'd take my fire-engine-red-painted-toes and plunge them into the frigid water. Who knows? Maybe the water is warm. And I love him as my friend but I forget to tell him and that could be the biggest of all my mistakes.
I am jealous and I hate and I burn because people feel free to grab what I think belongs to me. Little do I realize that nothing belongs to this greedy, grasping girl.