This is to hard to handle anymore
The past few weeks have been some of the hardest in my life i never realized how truely happy i was 3 weeks ago, i could not miss those days anymore then i do. I honestly feel like i no what true loniness is. People will either say everything will be okay, or your better off but the truth is in the end you no you dont want better because the best is who you want, and i think in my heart i'm always going to want Mike, i don't think i know i will you never forget your first love and he is mine. I've never prayed to god so hard in my hole life I just wanted everything to be okay, sometimes i think it will be but then my mind snaps back and says your a terriable person and you dont deserve to be happy so you NEVER WILL. The worst part is no one really knows how i feel they say they do but they will never no the torture in my heart, i can't stop thinking about things i should of said or done what i could of prevented. It's nice to no that I do have wonderful friends that will listen, but i can bore then everyday with my thoughts i can't do that to them, so i keep it in my head until it gets all bottled up then i have to let it out with crying and i don't want to cry anymore, it hurts. I can't sleep anymore its like my mind won't shut off no matter how hard i try it just never stops talking. I can acutlly eat now but not as much as i should, i just let my self sit with hunger pains for hours. I just feel so utterly alone and i just wish this pain would go away because its getting so unbareale and im so scared im just so scared. For once in my life i'm all by my self, and i have no clue on how to handle it. I just miss everything so much and i can't go back and its killing me. And i could never move on and if he ever moved on I honestly don't no what i would do with my self the thought of him and another girl makes me so angry and so sad and so many emtions that i believe i would beat the girl so badly she would be in the hospital i would get that upset. I can't control my emtions any more no way its like Yo-Yo and it never stops going i can feel so depressed one minute and then so mad another i just can't get my mind to stop thinking its terriable I honestly don't no how much more i can stand and listen to my self think its getting harder everyday. i thought it would get easier and thats what i tell people but really its just get worse i've learned how to play it off like im okay for the most partbut when im alone i cry all the time. Everyday i feel my heart die a little more you no. I dont except anyone to comment on this truely this is a journal entry that i just needed to write without anyone to reply i just needed to talk i can't hold this in anymore. I just wish this pain i feel would go away! and that i could just be okay and that everything would be okay! WHY DID GOD DO THIS TO ME? I'm sorry for what i did! i truely am please just bring back my life. Please PLEASE. This is to hard God. NO MORE I GIVE UP! Please...