Knowing When
As of this unholy hour, my body is just at the brink of shutting down. Unfortunately, it can't close shop just yet because so many thoughts are rushijng into my little brain. Who would have ever thought that this long, HOT, tiring day would be a day of realization for myself?
The day started with a trip to the bank. I noticed P800.00 added to my account, which was quite strange. You see, I work at Ahead and they simply add my 15-day wage to my account. For the first 15 days of April, I had only worked for 4.5 hours. Now, you could probably imagine the look of wonder and triumphant joy on my face when I discovered the 800 bucks!
This of course got me thinking, "This is so fucking unfair!" The minimum daily wage for a worker is P250 a day. I tutor 4.5 hours and get P800! What the f---?! Not that I'm complaining or anything, but there's gotta be something wrong!
Well eventually, I tried to rationalize by thinking, "Well, I too could lug around heavy hollow blocks the whole day -- anyone can. But not anyone can tutor calculus! It's just right that I get paid that amount!" But there's still something amiss. I can't put my finger on it now, but I eventually will...
Next, I had this bible-reading session with a friend and I realized something I never knew before... That salvation didn't depend on me or what I do. That in the end, it doesn't matter how many good or bad deeds i accomplish but the choice I make: whether to choose God or the world (yuck, that sounds so theological!)
Corny, though, as it may seem, this was a very humbling experience for me and I realized just how small and insignificant my so-called "good" deeds were.
And finally, today, I learned the hardest lesson of the day: To know when to let go. I've always taken the cowardly way out of relationships and possible romantic ventures. Fear has forever prevented me from taking the next step.
Now, however, though I must admit there is still fear, there is also something else... something much stronger... something more forceful... LOVE.
It is this "love" which has told me to let go. Cliche as it may be, I believe letting go of this silly feeling is the only way for the both of us to continue growing. I am crap -- a loser, a wimp, a wandering hopeless romantic. She deserves better, and she will eventually get someone better.
(don't get me wrong; I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. I'm just telling things as they are)
I better just shut up...
Oh well, as they say, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before."
The day started with a trip to the bank. I noticed P800.00 added to my account, which was quite strange. You see, I work at Ahead and they simply add my 15-day wage to my account. For the first 15 days of April, I had only worked for 4.5 hours. Now, you could probably imagine the look of wonder and triumphant joy on my face when I discovered the 800 bucks!
This of course got me thinking, "This is so fucking unfair!" The minimum daily wage for a worker is P250 a day. I tutor 4.5 hours and get P800! What the f---?! Not that I'm complaining or anything, but there's gotta be something wrong!
Well eventually, I tried to rationalize by thinking, "Well, I too could lug around heavy hollow blocks the whole day -- anyone can. But not anyone can tutor calculus! It's just right that I get paid that amount!" But there's still something amiss. I can't put my finger on it now, but I eventually will...
Next, I had this bible-reading session with a friend and I realized something I never knew before... That salvation didn't depend on me or what I do. That in the end, it doesn't matter how many good or bad deeds i accomplish but the choice I make: whether to choose God or the world (yuck, that sounds so theological!)
Corny, though, as it may seem, this was a very humbling experience for me and I realized just how small and insignificant my so-called "good" deeds were.
And finally, today, I learned the hardest lesson of the day: To know when to let go. I've always taken the cowardly way out of relationships and possible romantic ventures. Fear has forever prevented me from taking the next step.
Now, however, though I must admit there is still fear, there is also something else... something much stronger... something more forceful... LOVE.
It is this "love" which has told me to let go. Cliche as it may be, I believe letting go of this silly feeling is the only way for the both of us to continue growing. I am crap -- a loser, a wimp, a wandering hopeless romantic. She deserves better, and she will eventually get someone better.
(don't get me wrong; I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. I'm just telling things as they are)
I better just shut up...
Oh well, as they say, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before."