Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
Well, I am back from my extensive travels and I remembered that I should probably get back to this. Then I had to think about the topic for today, because, I mean... I really could not think of anyone I had to forgive who I hadn't already forgiven. But over the course of my thinking, one situation seemed to come to mind that I think needs some addressing (and forgiving) for.
When I was 18 I started college. This is normal. But I started going through this thing. I was getting hella scared that no one would ever love me and there for never marry me and I would never get to experience the joy of, well... you know... marital relations. It was my firm belief that you should wait until marriage before "doing it" but I was so scared that I decided enough was enough. Everyone around me was doing it, loving people, being loved by them and the fact that I wasn't made me feel SO alone.
There were a lot of people who noticed this and tried to take advantage. I remember one guy who tried to become my friend just so he could deflower me. It was horribly embarrassing and yet... exhilarating. But none of that mattered too much to me until I started chatting online with a high school friend of mine who went to a college not too far away from where I was.
I'm not gonna use names because, well, I'm still kind of friends with this guy. And I'm not saying that he's a horrible person for putting me in this situation. I mean, let's face it, I put myself there. He just took advantage of it.
He offered me a ride home for Christmas break and i gladly excepted. He said he was going to come a night early to hang out, he'd stay in my room and we'd go hang out or something. No pressure. Just two friends seeing where the night would take them. It was a fun night and by the time we got back from hanging out with my friends I was ready to just call it a night and go to bed. But the more I tried to shrug off his advances the more he pushed until finally we were at that pivotal moment.Do it or don't.
It's funny that I don't even remember saying the word "yes" but I know that I must have. I remember shaking so hard that my teeth were chattering and I remember thinking, "Oh God, my RA is going to hear this." I remember a prick of pain and shutting my eyes and thinking it was never going to stop. I remember him making a comment about my body that made me feel so inadequate, made that moment feel so wrong.
And then the guilt came. Because he was done and I was there, having given it all to someone who didn't care about me. He wanted it and he saw an opportunity and he took it. This wasn't love, it wasn't even an escape from being alone. It made me feel more lonely, more distant but now I felt dirty too.
I've never been happy that THAT was how I chose to lose my virginity. But I've especially never been happy that he could be so persistent when I was clearly uncomfortable. So, yeah, I have to forgive him for being an 18 year old male with raging hormones. I forgive him for just wanting a "fix." But that's hard. Because I have to live with that memory.
It's not a big thing to forgive and yes, I do still consider him a friend. It was inconsiderate of him to think that was an okay situation though. But I forgive... and we move on.
When I was 18 I started college. This is normal. But I started going through this thing. I was getting hella scared that no one would ever love me and there for never marry me and I would never get to experience the joy of, well... you know... marital relations. It was my firm belief that you should wait until marriage before "doing it" but I was so scared that I decided enough was enough. Everyone around me was doing it, loving people, being loved by them and the fact that I wasn't made me feel SO alone.
There were a lot of people who noticed this and tried to take advantage. I remember one guy who tried to become my friend just so he could deflower me. It was horribly embarrassing and yet... exhilarating. But none of that mattered too much to me until I started chatting online with a high school friend of mine who went to a college not too far away from where I was.
I'm not gonna use names because, well, I'm still kind of friends with this guy. And I'm not saying that he's a horrible person for putting me in this situation. I mean, let's face it, I put myself there. He just took advantage of it.
He offered me a ride home for Christmas break and i gladly excepted. He said he was going to come a night early to hang out, he'd stay in my room and we'd go hang out or something. No pressure. Just two friends seeing where the night would take them. It was a fun night and by the time we got back from hanging out with my friends I was ready to just call it a night and go to bed. But the more I tried to shrug off his advances the more he pushed until finally we were at that pivotal moment.Do it or don't.
It's funny that I don't even remember saying the word "yes" but I know that I must have. I remember shaking so hard that my teeth were chattering and I remember thinking, "Oh God, my RA is going to hear this." I remember a prick of pain and shutting my eyes and thinking it was never going to stop. I remember him making a comment about my body that made me feel so inadequate, made that moment feel so wrong.
And then the guilt came. Because he was done and I was there, having given it all to someone who didn't care about me. He wanted it and he saw an opportunity and he took it. This wasn't love, it wasn't even an escape from being alone. It made me feel more lonely, more distant but now I felt dirty too.
I've never been happy that THAT was how I chose to lose my virginity. But I've especially never been happy that he could be so persistent when I was clearly uncomfortable. So, yeah, I have to forgive him for being an 18 year old male with raging hormones. I forgive him for just wanting a "fix." But that's hard. Because I have to live with that memory.
It's not a big thing to forgive and yes, I do still consider him a friend. It was inconsiderate of him to think that was an okay situation though. But I forgive... and we move on.