WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
Life has been too depressing for me lately. It's funny how I tried all my life to forget shit that has haunted me in the past. I am now 20 reaching 21 and I am looking for the answers now in which I hoped I would never need. I am looking for a peace of mind which can't be found since I already tried.
I am living with the haunting's of when my father was abusing me in my mind. Why must by I be haunted with this shit. I was so strong before. Why now? I am searching for the answers of why this happened to me. Praying for an answer; an end to this madness.
I searched and came back with nothing. I asked my own father why he hit me. I told him how much he hurt me. I told my father how he was the reason why I left home. I asked for a simple sorry for what he did. All I ever wanted in my life is for a sorry for what he did. After writing this all in an e-mail to my father to get things straight I get a, "I read your letter and will not answer at this time on your request. The reason for that you and I will draw lines and battle to the end and once again and crush what we have going right now. Lets not go there period."
How can I not go there period daddy? Is it too hard to ask for you to admit what you did wrong? Is it alright for me to live in this pain? Why must you let me suffer with this pain. I am not just a person I am your own fucking blood suffering and you enjoy that fucking feeling daddy don't you? Of course you do, it never stopped you before when I was just a kid.
I wonder why my mother did shit all about the situation. Why did she make it seem ok for hitting me. Does she feel proud for letting me go through this shit. From leaving home for my own safety I now lost the mother daughter relationship. I left to get away from my father. I hurt my mother for leaving; for leaving a father who hits me. I wanted to hurt my father not my mother.
My own fucking father says, "You also has cause that loss of Mother and Daughter relationship just before you left the house. I am not to sure if you and Mom will ever regain that loss time at all. I will tell you that you cause a lot of strain on mom."
Why must my father be like this. Why is it he must lie. My life towards my family in which I mean my whole family knows my life in their words in which are my parents lies. Why must my life be a lie towards my faily? To my family they think I was the one who fucked up and treated my family like shit. Thye thought I ran away and hurt them. My family thinks my parents never hit me. Is it too hard daddy and mommy just to say to them that they fucked up and hurt hurt me and they are sorry!!
I wanna move on. I want to live and breath and be happy and forget what happened. I want a new life and start over with a loving mom and dad. I want to never talk to my parents ever again? Should I dare? Should I still talk to them? What makes them deserve to have contact with their daughter?
All I know is I am strong. I am getting pushed by them. I am gonna make it out there and do something to stop the suffering they put me through. I may be a high school drop out but I am working my way slowly to get my high school by correspondents. I am gonna one day stop this shit from happening to any other kid. I can't wait until the day I will be a social worker. It's gonna happen one day. That's what I have to look forward to. But I have the pain to still live with.
I am living with the haunting's of when my father was abusing me in my mind. Why must by I be haunted with this shit. I was so strong before. Why now? I am searching for the answers of why this happened to me. Praying for an answer; an end to this madness.
I searched and came back with nothing. I asked my own father why he hit me. I told him how much he hurt me. I told my father how he was the reason why I left home. I asked for a simple sorry for what he did. All I ever wanted in my life is for a sorry for what he did. After writing this all in an e-mail to my father to get things straight I get a, "I read your letter and will not answer at this time on your request. The reason for that you and I will draw lines and battle to the end and once again and crush what we have going right now. Lets not go there period."
How can I not go there period daddy? Is it too hard to ask for you to admit what you did wrong? Is it alright for me to live in this pain? Why must you let me suffer with this pain. I am not just a person I am your own fucking blood suffering and you enjoy that fucking feeling daddy don't you? Of course you do, it never stopped you before when I was just a kid.
I wonder why my mother did shit all about the situation. Why did she make it seem ok for hitting me. Does she feel proud for letting me go through this shit. From leaving home for my own safety I now lost the mother daughter relationship. I left to get away from my father. I hurt my mother for leaving; for leaving a father who hits me. I wanted to hurt my father not my mother.
My own fucking father says, "You also has cause that loss of Mother and Daughter relationship just before you left the house. I am not to sure if you and Mom will ever regain that loss time at all. I will tell you that you cause a lot of strain on mom."
Why must my father be like this. Why is it he must lie. My life towards my family in which I mean my whole family knows my life in their words in which are my parents lies. Why must my life be a lie towards my faily? To my family they think I was the one who fucked up and treated my family like shit. Thye thought I ran away and hurt them. My family thinks my parents never hit me. Is it too hard daddy and mommy just to say to them that they fucked up and hurt hurt me and they are sorry!!
I wanna move on. I want to live and breath and be happy and forget what happened. I want a new life and start over with a loving mom and dad. I want to never talk to my parents ever again? Should I dare? Should I still talk to them? What makes them deserve to have contact with their daughter?
All I know is I am strong. I am getting pushed by them. I am gonna make it out there and do something to stop the suffering they put me through. I may be a high school drop out but I am working my way slowly to get my high school by correspondents. I am gonna one day stop this shit from happening to any other kid. I can't wait until the day I will be a social worker. It's gonna happen one day. That's what I have to look forward to. But I have the pain to still live with.