"Friendship / on a deadline."
I'm leaving Pittsburgh in less than two months. This is sinking in. Time feels like it is slipping away from me.
Oh those wild years on a deadline,
the morning full of headache looking
in a mirror that looks into a mirror
where infinitely repeated is an apple tree
on a deadline, its fruit must be finished
by first frost, its buds not open before
the last. Hamlet on a deadline but
not sure which or where. ...
(Dean Young, "Deadline," Embryoyo)
My connections with other people feel more tenuous than ever. I've been feeling sort of alienated from my roommates, people I've considered close close friends. I don't know. The nature of relationships seems so fleeting. It always happens this way. Once I finally get comfortable enough to know someone or a group of people, I am drifting away from them. So it was when I studied in London. So it is now with my coworkers at the library. It seems pointless now to invest time in developing friendships with these people, althought I've now had the opportunity to get to know and see some of them for the funny, interesting people they are. The effort it takes for me attempt to forge any kind of acquaintance more than casual is quite great--really these sorts of personal interactions are quite nerve-wracking. And now that I might be comfortable enough to do so, I will be leaving Pittsburgh. The dissatisfaction of lost connections, missed connections.
Ah, the psychic crisis spurred by trying to make a simple decision: whether or not to go home this weekend (it will my father's birthday). I have a limited amount of time to spend with these people I've considered friends for a large part of my life here in Pittsburgh, and it only seems natural to want to spend what time I have with them. And yet, I'm slow to make this happen--and it doesn't seem to want to occur of its own accord.
I am neither good with periods of transition or deadlines. As horribly egocentric as it seems, I feel like people are moving on (so to speak) and I haven't even left yet. I wish human interaction wasn't so emotionally taxing. I wish I wasn't so insecure and neurotic.
All these concerns add up to a kind of overall sentiment, a desire to give up on interpersonal relationships entirely. Avoidance of what seems to be inevitable failure. (Even though I know I don't always feel this way, maybe not even the majority of the time.) All the effort just feels so empty a lot of the time.
Oh those wild years on a deadline,
the morning full of headache looking
in a mirror that looks into a mirror
where infinitely repeated is an apple tree
on a deadline, its fruit must be finished
by first frost, its buds not open before
the last. Hamlet on a deadline but
not sure which or where. ...
(Dean Young, "Deadline," Embryoyo)
My connections with other people feel more tenuous than ever. I've been feeling sort of alienated from my roommates, people I've considered close close friends. I don't know. The nature of relationships seems so fleeting. It always happens this way. Once I finally get comfortable enough to know someone or a group of people, I am drifting away from them. So it was when I studied in London. So it is now with my coworkers at the library. It seems pointless now to invest time in developing friendships with these people, althought I've now had the opportunity to get to know and see some of them for the funny, interesting people they are. The effort it takes for me attempt to forge any kind of acquaintance more than casual is quite great--really these sorts of personal interactions are quite nerve-wracking. And now that I might be comfortable enough to do so, I will be leaving Pittsburgh. The dissatisfaction of lost connections, missed connections.
Ah, the psychic crisis spurred by trying to make a simple decision: whether or not to go home this weekend (it will my father's birthday). I have a limited amount of time to spend with these people I've considered friends for a large part of my life here in Pittsburgh, and it only seems natural to want to spend what time I have with them. And yet, I'm slow to make this happen--and it doesn't seem to want to occur of its own accord.
I am neither good with periods of transition or deadlines. As horribly egocentric as it seems, I feel like people are moving on (so to speak) and I haven't even left yet. I wish human interaction wasn't so emotionally taxing. I wish I wasn't so insecure and neurotic.
All these concerns add up to a kind of overall sentiment, a desire to give up on interpersonal relationships entirely. Avoidance of what seems to be inevitable failure. (Even though I know I don't always feel this way, maybe not even the majority of the time.) All the effort just feels so empty a lot of the time.