[In his Care] Chapter 78 ~part 1
Before I go ahead with the update I just want to say that some of you, who have sent me messages to my lj inbox: I haven't been able to reply to all of them because my messages are blocked when I try to send them to you. I think it must be a privacy status you can change on, if you like. Anyway, if I don't reply it doesn't mean that I'm ignoring you, I simply can't reply. Please take note that I'm also a bad lj-user and am ages late with my replies, but I do reply eventually. ^^; I just like to reply to everyone at the same time, but that usually means I have to reserve some time to do it.
I'd also like to announce that this fic will be translated into Hungarian ^^ I'm sorry to all the translators for writing such a long fic! Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu! *bows*
I was hoping to get two chaps out at once, but I failed miserably. (<.>)
Title: In his Care
Chapter: 78/84
Pairings: Akame, TxT, KinKi Kids, TomaPi, RyoUchi, YunJae and many more.
Fandoms: JE, wFL, random Jboys, random Kboys and hints of tenimyu and dramas
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: please pay attention to possible separate warnings (e.g. spoiler warnings) posted at each chap, overall warnings for non-con, violence and language
Disclaimer: I own only the story.
Summary: AU. Kame's two years in prison and his life after that. In this chapter Kame notices he's not free from players yet and Akame continue to chat very openly about things even over the phone...
[Phase one] Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21
[Phase two] Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Chapter 35 Chapter 36 Chapter 37 Chapter 38 Chapter 39 Chapter 40 Chapter 41 Chapter 42 Chapter 43 Chapter 44 Chapter 45 Chapter 46 Chapter 47
[Phase three] Chapter 48 Chapter 49 Chapter 50 Chapter 51 Chapter 52 Chapter 53 Chapter 54 Chapter 55 Chapter 56 Chapter 57 Chapter 58 Chapter 59 Chapter 60 Chapter 61 Chapter 62 Chapter 63 Chapter 64 Chapter 65 Chapter 66 Chapter 67 Chapter 68 Chapter 69 Chapter 70 Chapter 71 Chapter 72 Chapter 73 Chapter 74 Chapter 75 Chapter 76 Chapter 77
Gosh, I saw Chuno's last epi tonight and it made me cry! What am I going to do now that it has ended? I want more Korean dramas like that! More action, less angst and more hot guys running around wearing very little clothing at all. =^^=
DBSK ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
EDIT: Gosh, so many comments! O.O Forgot to mention, I'm in the middle of exams and they won't be over until next week, so I'll come back and reply then. See you later~! *disappears back to her books*
Chapter 78
Kame stared at the cans and bottles before him on the shelf, closing the door then as he couldn’t remember why he had opened it in the first place. Shaking his head he returned to the pot, moving the chopsticks around in it a few laps before he remembered that he had been about to fetch the soy sauce. Leaving the pot alone Kame returned to the shelf, opening its doors again and picking out the soy sauce to add it in with the contents in the frying pan, almost adding in too much.
Somehow he wasn’t exactly feeling like a master chef today. He kept walking around in circles, going to fetch something but forgetting what it was immediately. Something was bothering him even though he should be feeling at ease. Neither Se7en nor Rain had as much as shown up after he had told them to leave him out of their game. He had even cleared things up with Jin, so why was he so nervous?
Kame stopped, rubbing his head and messing his hair in the process as he had once again brilliantly managed to forget why he had moved from one spot in the room to the other. Maybe there had been no reason and he had just felt like pacing around to clear his head, which obviously wasn’t working. Giving in he continued to walk around aimlessly.
Something had him on the edge, but what? There was this feeling in the pit of his stomach and it wouldn’t disappear and he couldn’t figure out what could be the cause of it, which irritated him to no end.
“Don’t you get dizzy, going around like that?” Jin’s voice suddenly cut into his thoughts and Kame stopped abruptly, almost stumbled over the kitchen table as he did that. His head was indeed spinning a bit. How many circles had he made?
Jin entered the kitchen with a familiar amused smile playing on his lips and Kame wondered how long the older boy had stood there watching him.
“Something on your mind?” Jin guessed and Kame turned to his pot, twirling the chopsticks around in it again.
“I thought you’d be out with Yamapi tonight.” he said instead of answering.
“I cancelled.” Jin replied with a smile, stopping beside him. “I’ll see him tomorrow night. You work late then, right? This way I can have the whole evening with you.”
Kame sent his boyfriend an unsure smile back, before realizing his rice he was burning even though he was attending to it.
While trying to save as much as he could he felt Jin move in behind him, breathing in once deep. “Mmm, smells good.”
The way Jin’s nose was almost buried in the crook of his neck made Kame wonder if it was really the scent of his cooking Jin had been complimenting.
“I-it’s almost ready!” he added, trying to concentrate on saving the rice from burning while keeping an eye on the frying pan. He really didn’t have an eye to spare on Jin right now and to his relief the older boy left to shower and change clothes, before sitting down by the kitchen table to wait for dinner.
Despite this meal not being of the best ones he had made, Jin still mumbled ‘yummy’ while stuffing food into his mouth in a satisfied manner and it made Kame feel better. Jin enjoyed more than his fair share, throwing himself onto the couch when he was done, apparently too lazy to even turn on the TV.
Kame shot glances at his boyfriend lying spread over the couch with his upper body leaning against its armrest, as he packed away what little food had been leftover. Jin’s eyes were closed as he then approached the couch, settling hands gently on the leader’s broad, but stiff shoulders.
“Had a rough day?” Kame guessed, receiving first only a satisfied groan in reply as he started massaging.
“I’m beat. SM has been such a pain in the ass lately. Why can’t they just admit some defeat and stop pushing in on our territories?” Jin mumbled in reply, keeping his eyes closed.
“Is there something I can do?” Kame asked, well-aware there wasn’t anything he could do to help the gangs, but maybe he could help ease the stress on Jin.
“This.” Jin murmured with a smile on his face. “Ah, heaven~” the leader added in the form of a moan and that made it hard for Kame to keep massaging.
Jin slowly opened his eyes, meeting his gaze and lifting a hand to his collar, pulling him gently downwards. He lost eye contact with Jin and instead all he could see was Jin’s neck before lips closed on his and he had stopped seeing anything.
“Your turn.” the older boy whispered and Kame slowly opened his eyes again, coming into view with Jin’s neck again. “You’ve had a rough day too, haven’t you?”
Without releasing him Jin pulled him down on the couch, sitting up behind him. As Jin’s hands touched shoulders, Kame realized he knew why he was so unsettled these days.
“I-I just realized I haven’t done the dishes yet.” he said, getting up from the couch after a very short, but very effective massage.
He had almost made it into the kitchen when something rang in the apartment. It was his phone.
Making a u-turn, Kame hurried into the bedroom instead, starting to dig for his phone and once he found it he stared at it dumbfounded.
Akanishi Jin was calling him.
The sound of the bedroom door closing made him drop the phone and spring to his feet. Jin shot him a smile, pushing the cell phone back into his pocket and Kame realized he had been lured there.
Jin was like this these days; setting traps for him should he try to escape with petty excuses and advancing on him as soon as the leader had him in his palm… That was the reason he was on the edge. Ever since he had opened up to Jin, the older boy had gotten even more motivated to pry him open further, coming at the walls around him one by one through measures like these.
It made him want to shut in and he subconsciously backed away a step as Jin strolled towards him. He knew there was no way he would get past Jin and out the door and there was nothing he could say that would allow him to talk his way out of this either. Not when Jin was like this.
Still, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t try…
As predicted he was caught before he could circle past Jin, this time not offering any excuses for leaving, and he wondered if he had just made things easier for Jin. While already in the leader’s grip all Jin had to do was lower lips to his and the hold on him tightened.
“I-I’m still covered in scratches and bruises.” he said in an excuse to end it there, releasing the arms off him and making a futile attempt to exit the room, but as Jin caught his wrist Kame had to stop again, slowly turning back around to meet Jin’s gaze.
Some sort of fear clouded Kame’s eyes as the smaller boy kept staring back at him in silence, but this wasn’t the kind of fear Jin had seen Kame being consumed by before.
“Then I’ll be gentle.” Jin replied, slowly pulling the stubborn boy first one step closer, then another.
“But there’s no point in leaving things halfway! I don’t want to rub your nose in it-” Kame insisted, stumbling in a resisting way towards him, never ceasing to keep his breaks on, but ended up where Jin wanted him anyway.
“Oh, you can rub anything you want.” Jin replied, making Kame flinch, but this time Kame wouldn’t escape. He ran a hand run through the blond hair resting his hand at the back of Kame’s head and the smaller boy eyed him rather suspiciously as he lowered his head to meet slightly trembling lips.
This kiss was neither simple nor innocent, Kame noted as he tried to keep up, unable to ignore all the frustration behind it. The embrace tightened, pushing him further into Jin’s body and as the hands that held him trapped so successfully managed to also go trailing off from their previous positions Kame thought this had gone far enough. After all, if they went much further Jin would only have to be more frustrated when they ended just when it was getting exciting for Jin… Well, when he ended it.
“Jin.” he mumbled in between kisses. “Jin.” he repeated in a complaining tone as his attempts to interrupt the moment weren’t working. “We should stop now.” he added, but the older boy didn’t give into his plea, hardly letting him to speak and it was making Kame uncomfortable. To make it worse Jin usually stopped pushing when he asked to or showed signs of not wanting to continue, but Jin wasn’t doing that now and it caused those same mixed urges rush through him.
He froze as he felt Jin take a step forwards, making him walk one backwards, and he was well-aware of where that journey would end. The fact that his legs weren’t working properly anymore didn’t seem to hinder Jin from leading him further across the room.
“Wait. I can’t do this.” he whispered, as his lips were finally released and he tried again to pull out of the embrace, but Jin still held him too firmly. “Jin, don’t.” he pleaded, feeling slightly desperate as he couldn’t make Jin listen to him. Instead Jin just proceeded like nothing was wrong, moving his kisses lower. “Please stop it.”
“Why?” the leader finally asked, lips inches away from the skin on his neck. “Did I do something you didn’t like?”
Well… No, Jin hadn’t, but that wasn’t the point. He simply didn’t think he’d be able to let Jin go all the way yet and the longer he submitted the more Jin would want to see it to the end. Why was Jin pushing him like this even after he had told Jin how he struggled? Jin had to understand it was a huge difference between talking about a problem and solving it.
“Jin, please I can’t.” he said, feeling the edge of the bed against his feet and he prepared himself to put up one hell of a fight before Jin could flip him down on it. “Stop it.” he said sternly and Jin finally met his eyes again.
“No.” the older boy replied and Kame just stared back in disbelief. “I don’t want to.” Jin added before obviously deciding to shut him up with a kiss again and Kame muffled a protest into Jin’s mouth, making sure the kiss didn’t last very long, but nothing he did seemed to discourage Jin now. “This is a relationship. You can’t always get it your way.”
With that said the older boy picked him up too easily, as Kame failed to resist as much as he had planned to and he was put down on his back on the bed with Jin following him shortly, covering him and kissing him long and savouring while hands trailed their own paths on his upper body.
“Relax.” Jin murmured into his ear, kissing said ear then, slightly amused over how earnestly Kame tried to struggle free. “Don’t flee. I promise I won’t go all the way. You’re safe.”
Since this was Akanishi Jin he was in bed with he felt everything but safe.
“Don’t think of this as something you have to do. This is something enjoyable and special we do to give and receive pleasure.” Jin continued, feeling Kame flinch away under him, but even though Kame resisted and said no the smaller boy’s body was slowly starting to lean more towards yes.
After having talked honestly with him about their problems, Kame seemed to imagine that every time he said ‘no’ or ‘don’t’ Jin would just obediently let him off the hook and so Kame seized every opportunity to say things like that, but what Kame was most afraid of now wasn’t produced by any traumas. Kame was afraid to let his guard down and Kame hated the fact that every time he budged away he couldn’t try to hide it or deny it anymore now that they had talked thoroughly for once.
Kame simply didn’t know how to deal with the situation.
Jin trailed a hand down the slightly messy blond hair. “Even if you budge away, I’ll reach out for you again until you don’t.”
Kame had a feeling that would take forever, closing his eyes instinctively as Jin’s face came closer again, but to his surprise this time it wasn’t his lips that got kissed but his neck. It tickled, but still felt good, too good, and those lips just continued paying attention to all the spots that made him shiver in delight. It almost caused him to give in just a bit when suddenly the touch of hands on his thigh made him want to escape again, but as he was still trapped all he could do was give out a helpless squeak.
Jin stopped kissing his neck and to his surprise he heard something that sounded undeniably as giggling.
Kame couldn’t believe it. Was Jin mocking him? Out of everyone it hurt most that Jin would. “Are you laughing at me?”
The older boy pulled away a bit to meet his eyes and they watched him amused, confirming Kame’s earlier suspicions.
“Sorry.” Jin replied with a wide grin still plastered on his face and what made it worse was that Jin seemed unable to get rid off it. “That was just too adorable.”
Usually Kame would only contemplate on smacking Jin and not actually do it, but right then he suddenly felt the urge to go through with it. However before his hand could connect with Jin’s head, the leader caught it in the air, entwining their fingers together and pressing his hand down against bed.
Kame forgot all about being insulted, as suddenly all he could think about was the fingers mixed with his, rings pressing against each other’s. Heat rose to his face as he remembered numerous intimate moments they had shared, lying together just like this. He couldn’t recall the last time he had felt this uneasy…but in a good way, and he just stared up at Jin still positioned above him, barely acknowledging that Jin was talking.
“This time I won’t hurt you.” Jin promised. “People, who are in a relationship, shouldn’t hurt one another.”
As Jin tried to release his hand from Kame’s he noticed how Kame was holding onto it tightly and he saw quite a different look in Kame’s eyes as he turned to meet the boy’s gaze again. Kame’s look was almost…inviting, but he hadn’t even decided whether to take a chance and act upon it before Kame himself had pulled him down for quite the needy kiss. Jin loved the taste of it and how Kame kept responding to him even when he kissed the boy harder, excitement rushing through him. This was how they had used to kiss. This was his Kame. His breath was clearly faster than normal as their lips parted.
“Tease...” he managed to mutter, enjoying one final glance at Kame and the swollen lips before lying down beside his boyfriend without releasing Kame’s hand since Kame still held onto his so hard. He had to put in quite a lot of effort to calm down and get ready to go to sleep, unaware that Kame was struggling with the same problem too.
Kame had to get up and splash cold water against his face before crawling back into bed with Jin, hearing the older boy groan in that certain delighted tone as he laid down into Jin’s open arms. His boyfriend kept fiddling with his pyjamas, probably tempted to rip it off, but managed to refrain from it and the movements slowly ceased as Jin fell asleep.
But Kame was wide-awake. He seemed unable to calm down completely.
He couldn’t believe the way he had just felt a short while ago, and had Jin decided not to back off after a kiss then who knows how far they would’ve gone had that feeling inside him lasted and not been replaced by fear.
What had Jin done to him to make him react like that? Those emotions…were so familiar. Jin had made him feel like that so many times before. He couldn’t believe how close he had been to losing control. Something had just triggered inside of him and if Jin kept reaching out for him even when he’d pull away, then maybe he’d actually surrender and this phase he’s been going through now would be but a memory.
Slipping his fingers in between Jin’s again, Kame closed his eyes, allowing himself to fall asleep as well.
~*~*~*~
Remember that you are mine, and that I’m not letting you go.
He felt hot and his entire body trembled as he tried to breathe like normal, but every movement, every thrust, made him bite back the urge to cry out and say one name that was already resting on the tip of his tongue. He wasn’t sure he had been able to hold it back every time.
He had never felt so close to anyone before. The pleasure was so intense it was mind blowing.
A hand pushed away his sweaty strands of hair from his face before trailing up his arm to his hand, entwining fingers with his so that the rings they wore together for the first time pressed against each other as they moved in unison. They picked up the speed and it forced a whimper out of him, in turn earning him the attention of his companion again. As their eyes locked he subconsciously tightened his hold on the other one’s hand, nails burying into his skin. He had never thought it would be possible to love someone this much.
The kiss he had been yearning for he finally got and he forgot he was even in prison anymore. Jin could make him feel out of this world…
…
Kame opened his eyes, breathing in and out hard, not really knowing where he was at first, but then his surroundings slowly started making sense to him.
What was that all about? Had he…actually had that kind of a dream about Jin and him? He hadn’t been seeing nightmares for a while, but this?
To his dismay he found himself rather…turned on. What was he going to do now? How would he get rid off it? What if Jin woke up and found him like this?
…Wait. Shouldn’t he be happy instead? Shouldn’t he wake Jin up and tell Jin the good news or better yet just jump his boyfriend? Even if Jin wouldn’t mind Kame didn’t think that was a good idea, although he probably shouldn’t think. He had come to the solution it wasn’t helping.
Was Jin still asleep?
As carefully as possible, he lifted on the arm around him, trying to crawl out of the embrace and out of bed, so he could go to the bathroom and do something about his situation, but he hadn’t made it far when Jin suddenly moved behind him and his heart froze in his chest as the arm hooked around him tighter.
“Kazu?” the leader asked in a hoarse voice, the way Jin sounded when Jin had just woken up and it wasn’t helping him any at the moment. Neither was the fact that Jin was speaking right into his ear, sending shivers down his spine as the boy breathed warm air down his neck. “What is it?”
Kame felt his hot face heat up even more and he fought to get the arm off him, but it wouldn’t move, much less release him. “I-I’m fine! I just need…water.”
Preferably really cold water and a whole bucket of it…
“Another nightmare?” Jin asked and Kame wondered for a moment if Jin really didn’t know what kind of a dream he had seen or if Jin was just playing dumb.
“N-no.” he stuttered out, wishing he had answered yes to that one. Now Jin had to realize what he had dreamt about, but he didn’t have the heart to lie. It wasn’t as if Jin wouldn’t figure it out anyway.
“You’re trembling, come here.” Jin mumbled, pulling him backwards into his boyfriend and Kame didn’t succeed in resisting as his body wasn’t cooperating with him and he let out a silent squeak instead. He hoped Jin wouldn’t notice how he was covered in sweat, but there was no way Jin couldn’t. He was done for.
He bit his lower lip to swallow back an unwanted moan as Jin kissed his neck, making things worse for him, and he pressed back the memories of what had been the result of the last time he had woken up with a hard on.
“It’s all right now.” the older boy murmured, but Kame strongly disagreed. “Wanna talk about it?”
He knew Jin expected him to be more honest these days and to open up, but he really didn’t want to tell Jin about that dream.
“You said my names quite a few times.” Jin added and Kame shifted uncomfortably inside the embrace. He wished Jin would just drop the subject. He couldn’t really deal with this right now, so he brought Jin’s hand to his lips, kissing it and hoping it could relay to Jin what he wasn’t able to say now. The sight of the ring on Jin’s finger brought back flashes from his dream and he released the hand, but as Jin still wouldn’t release him he ended up lying there trapped in Jin’s arms.
This would be one awful, but still so pleasant night, Kame concluded as he managed to shut his eyes, thankful to the fact that at least Jin wasn’t asking anymore questions and after a few long hours, finally having calmed down, he dared to let sleep take over him again.
The next time he opened his eyes some more hours into the night had passed. At first he wasn’t sure why he had woken up, feeling in his gut there was something wrong…something was missing… He felt colder than before.
Looking around in the dark room he realized that it was Jin what was missing. Where had Jin gone in the middle of the night without even telling him or leaving him a note?
Unable to sleep, Kame decided to wait until Jin returned and half an hour or so of silent meditating and waiting passed until the front door opened and closed and Jin took off his shoes and extra clothes. Silent steps made their way into his direction before Jin entered the room, halting as he noticed Kame sitting on the bed.
“Did I wake you up?” the leader asked as he slipped out of his shirt and Kame shook his head.
“I woke up to the feeling that something’s wrong.” he replied, expecting Jin to explain why he had left, but the older boy didn’t. “Where were you?”
“Just out.” Jin replied, unzipping his pants.
“Where?” Kame pressed on with the conversation. “To a bar?”
“I took a walk. I needed to get some fresh air.” Jin replied as if it was normal for him to disappear like that in the middle of the night. As far as Kame was concerned it wasn’t. He watched his boyfriend hang his clothes from the chair.
“You know, don’t you?” Kame said then and Jin turned towards him again. “About my dream, about the…state I was in after waking up… That’s why you went out.”
Jin didn’t say anything, but it was obvious he was right.
“Look, I was…embarrassed about it, that’s why I tried to hide it. I know I shouldn’t have been, but it’s been so long since…” Kame explained, not looking at Jin right now. “It’s not in my intention to keep things from you anymore. So, if you still want to…we can stay up a little longer.”
There was a short silence before Jin replied, “It’s late. We can take a rain check tomorrow.”
It didn’t seem too late for Jin to walk around outside for who knows how long, so why was Jin rejecting him? Was it because Jin didn’t believe he’d do anything but turn his boyfriend on again, making Jin so frustrated for a release the leader would need to go out and clear his head? He hated what he was doing to Jin and he wished Jin would be more honest about it.
Kame lowered his head, feeling stupid he had even suggested something like that. “It’s impossible, isn’t it, because I react like this? I’m really trying…”
To think he had sat there convincing himself he should just submit when Jin had already been letting out his frustration.
Jin could never stand seeing Kame miserable, climbing instantly onto the bed. It was instinct to close his arms around the smaller form, hugging both Kame and the blanket around him.
“Don’t worry about it.” Jin murmured. “Don’t force yourself.”
At that moment Kame could finally relax again. He was lucky to have someone to hold onto, someone who was there to make sure he wouldn’t give up. It was a good thing that Jin was getting to him, but why had this had to happen to him in the first place? Kame still didn’t think it was fair. How was he supposed to get over this?
He hugged Jin back tightly unaware of how it pleased Jin to see also this side of Kame again, the vulnerable side. He had been pushing Kame too hard if the result was nightmares. He had thought Kame had reacted better, but he had obviously been wrong as he had initiated nightmares instead. Maybe he didn’t understand Kame as well as he thought. Maybe he read the boy wrong all the time.
~*~*~*~
Jin had tried to behave like normal the next morning, but Kame could tell last night was not in the past yet.
Maybe he should’ve given it a shot while turned on like that, but he hadn’t reacted like that for a long time and it had shocked him he had still been capable of feeling like he was on fire. It was a good sign and that’s why, tonight, he wouldn’t back down that easily.
Stopping by the grocery store on his way to their apartment, Kame bought some really delicious food he knew Jin liked, packing into the basket three packages of olives and a few cans of beer all for Jin. They could cook together again.
But as he returned to the apartment Jin wasn’t there. Since it was late, Kame guessed Jin was still out with Yamapi like Jin had said he’d be. That meant the two leaders were in the usual bar.
Kame checked his phone. No new messages or calls, but surely Jin would be back soon. He should make the dinner ready.
Entering the kitchen Kame put the groceries down, pausing as he picked out the frying pan.
Or maybe he should go find Jin. If Jin was still out with Yamapi he could just join them for a while. It wasn’t as if Jin didn’t always welcome him to spend time with him. If it would feel like the leaders preferred being alone together he would leave, saying that he’d go make dinner ready and that Jin could enjoy himself and come back then.
Maybe Jin would like it if he made an effort and came over to him. After last night’s rejection showing some affection could only be a good thing. Jin had said that was what he needed the most anyway.
Kame decided that was how he was going to act and he packed the groceries into the fridge before taking off, heading towards the bar first and as he stepped inside he indeed found two familiar men by the counter.
With a small smile, Kame started walking over to the backs turned at him when the topic of their conversation made him stop.
“Didn’t get laid last night either, did you?” Yamapi’s voice sounded amused, as if the boy was teasing Jin. “That’s why you’re sitting here with me. Otherwise you would’ve cancelled in a heartbeat.”
“Shut up.” Jin muttered, drinking of his beer. “I’m sitting here because I’m avoiding going back to the apartment yet. After last night…he needs some space.”
“You’re avoiding him?” Yamapi asked in disbelief.
“He avoided me first.” Jin retorted. “He barely looked at me during breakfast.”
Jin was avoiding him? Kame hadn’t realized they had been on bad terms again. It had never been in his intentions to avoid Jin. He had only had problems looking Jin in the eyes because of that dream. Why did Jin take everything he said or did as a rejection of some kind?
“He must’ve realized how fucking turned on I was when we went to sleep and that’s why he had another nightmare. Then he was too scared to admit it to me, knowing I was the cause of it.”
What was Jin even talking about?
“Your plans are back-firing.” Yamapi commented.
“Thanks, I know.” Jin replied. “Those weren’t the kinds of memories I was trying to awaken inside of him.”
“How long are you going to stand this situation? Isn’t it hard enough already?” Yamapi continued and Jin shot the other leader a look from the corner of his eyes, drinking some more. “I get it that Kame-chan’s got issues, but you can’t just keep letting him get away with it all the time because you feel guilty. You can do more than you are now. You’ll have to apply even more pressure on him or we’ll be having beers for years from now if you don’t put an end to this.”
Kame felt pressured enough as it was. He hadn’t imagined Yamapi knew this much about their relationship, down to all the dirty details…even if there wasn’t so much dirty things going on between them right now - something Yamapi knew too.
“I don’t…” Jin started, voice more than slightly annoyed and Kame wondered if it was because of their situation or Yamapi, “want to rush him. If I make one wrong move he’ll go off track and try to force himself into bed with me. You told me that yourself. Believe me, I am trying, but I’m facing setbacks right now. Do you think I like this situation any more than you or he does?”
Kame took an absent step backwards. Why was Jin saying such things? Why was Jin telling Yamapi so many things instead of him?
Finally as he had gotten two players off his back he came to notice there were two more, sitting together night after night scheming about him and the best way to get him into bed. Was this what Jin had been up to every time the two leaders had met over a beer? Made up plans of how to toy with his mind? It wasn’t as if he wasn’t confused enough already. Jin was quite the player for someone who had supposedly given that up…
“Then do something about it.” Yamapi groaned.
“I can’t. This time I have to wait for him.” Jin replied.
“He’ll make you wait forever.” Yamapi pointed out.
“I don’t have any right to speed things up! If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be in the state he is now!” Jin snapped, showing some more of that frustration Jin had surely carried with him all this time, but never willingly allowed him to see. “I knew before I started dating him that I might have to hold back my urges because one day he’ll most likely bring up our past and that’s why I tried to keep him from ever entering a relationship with me. I thought we’d never make it. But as we did start dating I forgot to watch out for that. I should’ve realized it was only my delusion that we could start off fresh like that when he came with us. I know I have a lot to answer for.”
“You don’t need to play the nice boyfriend because of that.” Yamapi said. “Don’t blame yourself.”
“But it is my fault.” Jin insisted. “He’s acting up like this because of me. He is my responsibility! I did that to him and now I will have to fix it somehow!”
Suddenly Jin stopped talking and turned to look over one shoulder. Yamapi followed his gaze to see what had caught Jin’s attention and upon the sight of him standing there both boys froze, neither one uttering a word.
Kame didn’t say anything either, as he believed there wasn’t anything that needed to be said at this moment, and backed away a step then another until he was back by the door and he opened it, turning to run out.
“Oh shit.” Jin cursed, flying up from the chair. “Fuck! Pi, do something!”
Both leaders were out the door in a few seconds where they parted ways without a word, Yamapi taking off into the opposite direction than Jin, but neither caught the sight of Kame anywhere.
Jin ran as fast as he could while dialling the number of the first one of his gang mates he found. “Guys! Call the cavalry! Everyone we know! Block all ways out! Guard the borders! We have a major problem!”
But despite their advantage in numbers the cavalry wasn’t fast enough.
Kame sighed, coming to a halt by the closest border. Somehow he had ended up running this way and had even been ready to cross over the street without any of his belongings with him, but then again he wouldn’t need them in prison where he’d surely end up should he leave these blocks alone. Besides the most precious thing he owned he carried with him. He lowered his gaze to his ring and felt slightly calmer. Having run with all his might had taken most of the energy out of him and he didn’t even feel so mad anymore.
He knew Jin was fed up with this situation just as much as he was. He just didn’t like it that Yamapi heard about everything they did or didn’t do in bed. Then again, best friends shared practically everything, didn’t they? He had never had one to confide in like Jin did with Yamapi and vice versa. He should go back, listen to Jin’s explanation and answer by giving Jin a piece of his mind the way Jin seemed to prefer it these days, then kiss and make up and move on from this incident. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Compared to their relationship this was nothing.
If Jin was serious about this relationship, that is. Hearing Jin say all of that…it made him feel as if Jin was just pity-dating him because Jin was feeling guilty over their past. That thought almost had him crossing the border to see if Jin should follow, but he already knew the answer to that.
Cut the crap. You’re just scared. Men like Akanishi don’t just date boys they don’t have an interest in.
Jin would come after him.
His brothers had been right, telling him those things that night, and he wanted nothing more than to hear them say the same to him again, erasing all doubt in him that could convince him otherwise. God, how he missed them and the rest of his family. He wanted to see them so badly, but to leave and do that would just mean he would be using them as an excuse to run away because he was scared to trust that Jin could feel something for someone like him. He still couldn’t see what Jin had fallen for in him, but he should just learn to trust his boyfriend. Though, it would be a heck of a lot easier if Jin stopped pretending around him… Maybe he needed to set that fact straight with Jin.
Clenched his hand over the ring Kame turned to head back when a voice made him stop.
“Kame-chan?”
Surprised he spun back around, not believing his ears, as the person he thought that voice belonged to couldn’t possibly be there…
Kame blinked, eyeing the man on the opposite side of the border.
But he was.
“It’s been a while, Kame-chan.” Masa said. “You look a bit tired. Shouldn’t you be dancing on the clouds now that Akanishi Jin finally accepted you as his boyfriend?”
“How…?” Kame stuttered out.
“How what?” Masa repeated. “How did I know you were dating Akanishi? How did I know you were here? I’m very well informed. It didn’t take long before we found out where you all had taken off to.”
And by Masa being here now…did this mean that Johnny and Masa were trying catch them tonight? Was something going down? Should he run back and warn the others?
“Life in these blocks hasn’t treated you very well, I see.” Masa continued then, eyeing him up and down. “I told you so, but you just had to give up that brilliant future of yours for the lot you’d never belong with and do you know why? You’ll never be one of them. You don’t fit into their world and you never will.”
“I have to go…” Kame said. He had needed words of encouragement right now, not those that could make him second guess his decisions. He turned to walk away, but Masa’s voice wouldn’t let him leave.
“I know why.”
Kame stopped, hating the fact that he had to look back at the man, who was probably just toying with him. Masa was one more person on that endless list of people, who were trying to mess with his head…and even Jin was one of them.
“I know where you belong and why you can belong only there.”
“I don’t think I belong anywhere.” Kame replied.
“To know yourself and to know your place in this world can be one of the hardest things to figure out.” Masa said, daring a few steps across the border. “Some never do. I almost didn’t, I walked for years on the wrong path, but then you showed me.”
Kame doubtfully looked over at the man stopping a small distance away from him, approximately halfway across the border.
“Now let me show you.” Masa added. “Tonight I’m here on my own accord, Johnny has nothing to do with this, so let me return the favor with an offer you can’t refuse.”
“Another offer?” Kame asked.
“I need you, Kame-chan. There is something only you can do.” Masa said and Kame was surprised to hear that. He couldn’t think of one thing that someone else couldn’t do just as well as him if not better, including hacking. There had to be more hackers out there Johnny or Masa could recruit. “Let’s stop pretending you’re satisfied with your life as it is. You can never be because they do things you can’t stand. Help me put an end to that.”
“You want me to turn on the Johnny’s?” Kame concluded. “You’re out of your mind. As if I couldn’t figure out you just want to lure me out of here to get the Johnny’s to come save me-”
“As if you’re not on your way out by yourself without any help from me.” Masa said before Kame could make another attempt to leave and Kame fell silent. “So hear me out.”
~*~*~*~
Jin cursed for himself for the umpteenth time.
Where the hell was Kame? He had run up and down every street, but his boyfriend was nowhere to be found. How could he have been so stupid and not noticed Kame’s presence there a little earlier? He had let his guard down, but he had never imagined Kame coming there. Why had Kame? Had Kame…wanted to spend time with him?
Who knows where Kame was now. No one had found the smaller boy, meaning Kame was probably not even in these blocks anymore. Had Kame really left? What about the boy’s belongings?
Jin hurried back to their apartment to check if they were still there and as he entered the bedroom he was shocked at the sight of Kame sitting on the bed, obviously waiting for him.
“N-no way!” he managed to stutter out, not believing his eyes. “You were here?!”
“Yes and am I only here because you feel guilty? Is that why you’re finally letting me be with you?” Kame asked, standing up from the bed. He was straying from his plan to listen and have Jin apologize first, but what Masa had just told him had left him in a whole other state of mind. “Because you wouldn’t have let me be part of your life before. Did you just say all those nice things to me because you wanted to heal me as soon as possible?”
“I know how it sounded back in the bar, but-” Jin tried to explain.
“I thought you wanted to be with me! I thought you were serious!” Kame cut him off. “I thought you…l-loved me.”
Jin had no idea how hard he had tried all along. He might be far from the perfect boyfriend, but how many would ever even consider going out with someone who had forced them into bed?
“You said that…you told me you did…” Kame added, as if doubting it now that Jin was just quietly returning his gaze.
“I am serious.” Jin replied then. “I’m serious about you.”
“The hell you are!” Kame shot back. “You’re still just showing me what you want me to see, letting me believe things are actually all right between us when they’re not!”
“Kazu, I-”
“I know you’re not what you seem!” Kame interrupted again. “I’ve seen you punch bricks because you’ve been so frustrated with me!”
It was seldom he caught Jin aback, but judging from the look upon Jin’s face this time he had.
“You tell me to be truthful towards you and to show you everything! Why don’t you try that yourself? It’s not so easy, is it? It makes you feel quite vulnerable, believe me I know.” Kame continued. “If I’m your boyfriend then you should be able to tell me what you told Yamapi!”
That made the surprised look upon Jin’s face turn to a more troubled one, as the leader answered, “Kame, I just talk that way with Pi, it doesn’t mean that it’s all I-”
“Stop pretending!” Kame cut in. “Don’t be so nice to me when I know you don’t want to be! I know this isn’t you! This isn’t all you’ve got. I know you’re frustrated with me, so don’t pretend you’re not! I’ve seen how frustrated you were before I had a mental breakdown and you obviously haven’t changed since! Why can’t you ever be honest with me?”
“Of course I am frustrated! I’ve barely gotten to touch you for as long as we’ve been in Korea!” Jin replied finally and Kame fell silent. Was Jin finally showing his true self now? “I want to be close to you! I long to be close to you!”
Kame didn’t know how to reply. He had pushed Jin to say those words aloud, but now that they were out in the opening he could barely meet Jin’s eyes.
“At first I admit I was frustrated by you not opening up to me, but I couldn’t blame you because I hadn’t exactly encouraged you to do that during the time you had known me. I didn’t even have the faintest clue of why you suddenly shut me out completely.” Jin continued. “But now that I know why…how can you even think I’d blame you? This is something I did, not you.”
“So you have to fix it by playing my boyfriend?” Kame finished and Jin grabbed him tightly, making him let out a small yelp.
“This is not a game.” the older boy said the words he knew were true, but he had needed to hear in order to believe them. “I’m not dating you out of pity or guilt. Why would I spend so much time on curing only you? You’ve said it yourself, you’re not the only one I’ve hurt. You’re most likely not the only one who feels like this either…”
Kame’s eyes were glued onto Jin’s. He kept forgetting that even if he forgave Jin there were plenty who haven’t and probably never would. There were many Jin still owed apologizes to and the majority of them would probably never get to hear Jin say it either.
“Yet after everything I did to you I still want to make you mine.” Jin added, taking a few steps forwards and Kame stumbled backwards, seeing a different look in Jin’s eyes now than a few seconds ago and it had him aimlessly escaping despite Jin hadn’t let go of him. The wardrobe he backed into made him finally stop and Jin stopped in front of him, trapped him there. “I want you so badly.”
Fingers danced through his hair in a familiar way, quite like they had in his previous, pleasant dream.
“I’m going crazy having to stay away from you, but at the same time I feel as if I’m actually dating you by doing it all properly and I like that thought.” Jin continued. “I want to be a boyfriend you’ll love. I want to make you happy and give you everything someone with my background can. I want to be so close to you and make you feel out of this world.”
Kame pressed further backwards, stiffening a bit as that made Jin lean in even more towards him.
“I long to cover you, to be one with you, to feel heaven inside you…” Jin trailed off, finally talking to him the way Jin probably did about him to Yamapi, and Kame wondered if he should not have asked for this honesty after all as it was making him uncomfortable. “I hate the fact that my presence scares you, that you budge away from me, that you have nightmares about me…that I’ve brought all of that upon you myself.”
The intensity and need behind Jin’s words made his heartbeat fasten, yet he couldn’t interrupt. He wasn’t even totally sure he wanted to.
“Sex…isn’t enough anymore.” Jin continued as he stayed silent. “No matter how many times we’d do it I’ll always be hungry for more, but if our relationship only exists between the sheets then even the sex will turn impersonal and then it wouldn’t matter who it was with anymore. I want you by my side, I want you in my everyday life and I want you in my bed.”
“I can’t see sex as something enjoyable anymore.” Kame finally managed to say, wondering why it tasted a lie. But surely whatever had come over him last night had simply been memories of their past. He would never be able to act upon the feelings those memories had brought him. Obviously even if he was turned on he would still not want to do anything. “I could go on perfectly fine without ever having it again.”
“I can’t.” Jin said. “And I don’t want it to be with anyone but you.”
Kame found it hard to even swallow at the moment. “Why can’t you?” he had to ask. After all, sex was only a momentarily pleasure. “Why isn’t love enough?”
“I can love you without sex.” Jin replied. Gods knew he had, even though he had had plenty of opportunities to get it elsewhere if Kame denied it of him. “But the problem is that I can’t keep my hands off of you for all eternity.”
He was barely managing that now and Kame knew it too, otherwise the smaller boy wouldn’t be this uneasy around him.
“I’ll remind you how good it can feel.” Jin added and Kame really didn’t want to be reminded any further. He jumped as Jin took a hold on his arms. “You may not have enjoyed it every night, but there were many more when you did. I’ll remind you of them.”
How was Jin planning on doing that? By forcing him into bed and making him remember?
“You will know what it was like.” Jin insisted. “I’m not giving up until you’re mine and once you are I’m never going to do anything to lose you again. I’m lucky you must still want to be with me otherwise you wouldn’t still be here.”
“My first thought was to leave.” Kame confessed. “But then I started to think that the decent thing would be to stay and listen if there’s something you have to say to me. I know what it’s like to wake up alone, not knowing where you are or why you had to go somewhere in the middle of the night… Did things get too rough just sleeping next to me? Did you go and punch brick walls because I didn’t open up to you?”
The look he received as he had said that made Kame fall silent and Jin answered to his question, “I took a walk around the blocks because I was going crazy lying there knowing I keep causing you nightmares about what I did to you.”
Kame frowned. “Why do you keep talking about nightmares? I haven’t seen nightmares since that one time after you had just moved in.”
Did Jin really think he had seen a nightmare? Jin ought to know by now how he sounded like when in pleasure, but maybe Jin always expected the worst and so couldn’t imagine him having such a pleasant dream. He found it hard to believe himself.
Jin paused, surprise painted on his face, and Kame felt incredibly awkward right then, seeing Jin finally put two and two together. “…Really?”
Kame crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively. “I don’t know…what came over me that night.”
A somewhat victorious smirk rose to Jin’s face, as the older boy said in a teasing voice, “So…you can’t see sex as something enjoyable anymore, eh?”
Kame felt like he should defend himself somehow, but no words came out of his mouth. He settled at glaring as Jin lifted his chin, forcing his gaze back to the leader’s eyes as it had escaped to the floor.
“Believe me there’s no way you’ll go on perfectly fine without ever doing it again either.” Jin added and as Kame still refused to respond in any way the older boy added, “Shall we call it a night then?”
Kame gave a curt nod, spending the rest of the night sending Jin suspicious glances just in case Jin would try something funny now that Kame’s growing needs had gotten exposed like this. He just hoped he wouldn’t see any more dreams tonight…
Jin was more than satisfied that night as he lay down on their bed. He was so relieved. It was like he had known after all. Kame hadn’t reacted badly to his approaches, but better than he had had expected. But he couldn’t stop wondering what it was that had made Kame dream about them like that again. What had he done? Had he triggered something in Kame or had Kame’s body just had enough and given into pleasure?
Either way, Kame was heading into the right direction and maybe faster than Kame realized himself.
Light-hearted, Jin went to sleep that night, hooking an arm around Kame and his boyfriend slowly accepted it, hugging it into his chest.
In contrast to Jin, Kame’s heart felt heavy as he lay awake that night, unable to shut out all the things Masa had said to him earlier. He didn’t want to believe the detective’s words, he wanted to brush them off as Masa’s manipulative ways of trying to get him to do something stupid, but maybe Masa had been telling him the truth. Some things had been frighteningly accurate.
Maybe the offer was real too and it was all he could think about that night and the following day as he went to work.
~*~*~*~
part 2
I'd also like to announce that this fic will be translated into Hungarian ^^ I'm sorry to all the translators for writing such a long fic! Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu! *bows*
I was hoping to get two chaps out at once, but I failed miserably. (<.>)
Title: In his Care
Chapter: 78/84
Pairings: Akame, TxT, KinKi Kids, TomaPi, RyoUchi, YunJae and many more.
Fandoms: JE, wFL, random Jboys, random Kboys and hints of tenimyu and dramas
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: please pay attention to possible separate warnings (e.g. spoiler warnings) posted at each chap, overall warnings for non-con, violence and language
Disclaimer: I own only the story.
Summary: AU. Kame's two years in prison and his life after that. In this chapter Kame notices he's not free from players yet and Akame continue to chat very openly about things even over the phone...
[Phase one] Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21
[Phase two] Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Chapter 35 Chapter 36 Chapter 37 Chapter 38 Chapter 39 Chapter 40 Chapter 41 Chapter 42 Chapter 43 Chapter 44 Chapter 45 Chapter 46 Chapter 47
[Phase three] Chapter 48 Chapter 49 Chapter 50 Chapter 51 Chapter 52 Chapter 53 Chapter 54 Chapter 55 Chapter 56 Chapter 57 Chapter 58 Chapter 59 Chapter 60 Chapter 61 Chapter 62 Chapter 63 Chapter 64 Chapter 65 Chapter 66 Chapter 67 Chapter 68 Chapter 69 Chapter 70 Chapter 71 Chapter 72 Chapter 73 Chapter 74 Chapter 75 Chapter 76 Chapter 77
Gosh, I saw Chuno's last epi tonight and it made me cry! What am I going to do now that it has ended? I want more Korean dramas like that! More action, less angst and more hot guys running around wearing very little clothing at all. =^^=
DBSK ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
EDIT: Gosh, so many comments! O.O Forgot to mention, I'm in the middle of exams and they won't be over until next week, so I'll come back and reply then. See you later~! *disappears back to her books*
Chapter 78
Kame stared at the cans and bottles before him on the shelf, closing the door then as he couldn’t remember why he had opened it in the first place. Shaking his head he returned to the pot, moving the chopsticks around in it a few laps before he remembered that he had been about to fetch the soy sauce. Leaving the pot alone Kame returned to the shelf, opening its doors again and picking out the soy sauce to add it in with the contents in the frying pan, almost adding in too much.
Somehow he wasn’t exactly feeling like a master chef today. He kept walking around in circles, going to fetch something but forgetting what it was immediately. Something was bothering him even though he should be feeling at ease. Neither Se7en nor Rain had as much as shown up after he had told them to leave him out of their game. He had even cleared things up with Jin, so why was he so nervous?
Kame stopped, rubbing his head and messing his hair in the process as he had once again brilliantly managed to forget why he had moved from one spot in the room to the other. Maybe there had been no reason and he had just felt like pacing around to clear his head, which obviously wasn’t working. Giving in he continued to walk around aimlessly.
Something had him on the edge, but what? There was this feeling in the pit of his stomach and it wouldn’t disappear and he couldn’t figure out what could be the cause of it, which irritated him to no end.
“Don’t you get dizzy, going around like that?” Jin’s voice suddenly cut into his thoughts and Kame stopped abruptly, almost stumbled over the kitchen table as he did that. His head was indeed spinning a bit. How many circles had he made?
Jin entered the kitchen with a familiar amused smile playing on his lips and Kame wondered how long the older boy had stood there watching him.
“Something on your mind?” Jin guessed and Kame turned to his pot, twirling the chopsticks around in it again.
“I thought you’d be out with Yamapi tonight.” he said instead of answering.
“I cancelled.” Jin replied with a smile, stopping beside him. “I’ll see him tomorrow night. You work late then, right? This way I can have the whole evening with you.”
Kame sent his boyfriend an unsure smile back, before realizing his rice he was burning even though he was attending to it.
While trying to save as much as he could he felt Jin move in behind him, breathing in once deep. “Mmm, smells good.”
The way Jin’s nose was almost buried in the crook of his neck made Kame wonder if it was really the scent of his cooking Jin had been complimenting.
“I-it’s almost ready!” he added, trying to concentrate on saving the rice from burning while keeping an eye on the frying pan. He really didn’t have an eye to spare on Jin right now and to his relief the older boy left to shower and change clothes, before sitting down by the kitchen table to wait for dinner.
Despite this meal not being of the best ones he had made, Jin still mumbled ‘yummy’ while stuffing food into his mouth in a satisfied manner and it made Kame feel better. Jin enjoyed more than his fair share, throwing himself onto the couch when he was done, apparently too lazy to even turn on the TV.
Kame shot glances at his boyfriend lying spread over the couch with his upper body leaning against its armrest, as he packed away what little food had been leftover. Jin’s eyes were closed as he then approached the couch, settling hands gently on the leader’s broad, but stiff shoulders.
“Had a rough day?” Kame guessed, receiving first only a satisfied groan in reply as he started massaging.
“I’m beat. SM has been such a pain in the ass lately. Why can’t they just admit some defeat and stop pushing in on our territories?” Jin mumbled in reply, keeping his eyes closed.
“Is there something I can do?” Kame asked, well-aware there wasn’t anything he could do to help the gangs, but maybe he could help ease the stress on Jin.
“This.” Jin murmured with a smile on his face. “Ah, heaven~” the leader added in the form of a moan and that made it hard for Kame to keep massaging.
Jin slowly opened his eyes, meeting his gaze and lifting a hand to his collar, pulling him gently downwards. He lost eye contact with Jin and instead all he could see was Jin’s neck before lips closed on his and he had stopped seeing anything.
“Your turn.” the older boy whispered and Kame slowly opened his eyes again, coming into view with Jin’s neck again. “You’ve had a rough day too, haven’t you?”
Without releasing him Jin pulled him down on the couch, sitting up behind him. As Jin’s hands touched shoulders, Kame realized he knew why he was so unsettled these days.
“I-I just realized I haven’t done the dishes yet.” he said, getting up from the couch after a very short, but very effective massage.
He had almost made it into the kitchen when something rang in the apartment. It was his phone.
Making a u-turn, Kame hurried into the bedroom instead, starting to dig for his phone and once he found it he stared at it dumbfounded.
Akanishi Jin was calling him.
The sound of the bedroom door closing made him drop the phone and spring to his feet. Jin shot him a smile, pushing the cell phone back into his pocket and Kame realized he had been lured there.
Jin was like this these days; setting traps for him should he try to escape with petty excuses and advancing on him as soon as the leader had him in his palm… That was the reason he was on the edge. Ever since he had opened up to Jin, the older boy had gotten even more motivated to pry him open further, coming at the walls around him one by one through measures like these.
It made him want to shut in and he subconsciously backed away a step as Jin strolled towards him. He knew there was no way he would get past Jin and out the door and there was nothing he could say that would allow him to talk his way out of this either. Not when Jin was like this.
Still, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t try…
As predicted he was caught before he could circle past Jin, this time not offering any excuses for leaving, and he wondered if he had just made things easier for Jin. While already in the leader’s grip all Jin had to do was lower lips to his and the hold on him tightened.
“I-I’m still covered in scratches and bruises.” he said in an excuse to end it there, releasing the arms off him and making a futile attempt to exit the room, but as Jin caught his wrist Kame had to stop again, slowly turning back around to meet Jin’s gaze.
Some sort of fear clouded Kame’s eyes as the smaller boy kept staring back at him in silence, but this wasn’t the kind of fear Jin had seen Kame being consumed by before.
“Then I’ll be gentle.” Jin replied, slowly pulling the stubborn boy first one step closer, then another.
“But there’s no point in leaving things halfway! I don’t want to rub your nose in it-” Kame insisted, stumbling in a resisting way towards him, never ceasing to keep his breaks on, but ended up where Jin wanted him anyway.
“Oh, you can rub anything you want.” Jin replied, making Kame flinch, but this time Kame wouldn’t escape. He ran a hand run through the blond hair resting his hand at the back of Kame’s head and the smaller boy eyed him rather suspiciously as he lowered his head to meet slightly trembling lips.
This kiss was neither simple nor innocent, Kame noted as he tried to keep up, unable to ignore all the frustration behind it. The embrace tightened, pushing him further into Jin’s body and as the hands that held him trapped so successfully managed to also go trailing off from their previous positions Kame thought this had gone far enough. After all, if they went much further Jin would only have to be more frustrated when they ended just when it was getting exciting for Jin… Well, when he ended it.
“Jin.” he mumbled in between kisses. “Jin.” he repeated in a complaining tone as his attempts to interrupt the moment weren’t working. “We should stop now.” he added, but the older boy didn’t give into his plea, hardly letting him to speak and it was making Kame uncomfortable. To make it worse Jin usually stopped pushing when he asked to or showed signs of not wanting to continue, but Jin wasn’t doing that now and it caused those same mixed urges rush through him.
He froze as he felt Jin take a step forwards, making him walk one backwards, and he was well-aware of where that journey would end. The fact that his legs weren’t working properly anymore didn’t seem to hinder Jin from leading him further across the room.
“Wait. I can’t do this.” he whispered, as his lips were finally released and he tried again to pull out of the embrace, but Jin still held him too firmly. “Jin, don’t.” he pleaded, feeling slightly desperate as he couldn’t make Jin listen to him. Instead Jin just proceeded like nothing was wrong, moving his kisses lower. “Please stop it.”
“Why?” the leader finally asked, lips inches away from the skin on his neck. “Did I do something you didn’t like?”
Well… No, Jin hadn’t, but that wasn’t the point. He simply didn’t think he’d be able to let Jin go all the way yet and the longer he submitted the more Jin would want to see it to the end. Why was Jin pushing him like this even after he had told Jin how he struggled? Jin had to understand it was a huge difference between talking about a problem and solving it.
“Jin, please I can’t.” he said, feeling the edge of the bed against his feet and he prepared himself to put up one hell of a fight before Jin could flip him down on it. “Stop it.” he said sternly and Jin finally met his eyes again.
“No.” the older boy replied and Kame just stared back in disbelief. “I don’t want to.” Jin added before obviously deciding to shut him up with a kiss again and Kame muffled a protest into Jin’s mouth, making sure the kiss didn’t last very long, but nothing he did seemed to discourage Jin now. “This is a relationship. You can’t always get it your way.”
With that said the older boy picked him up too easily, as Kame failed to resist as much as he had planned to and he was put down on his back on the bed with Jin following him shortly, covering him and kissing him long and savouring while hands trailed their own paths on his upper body.
“Relax.” Jin murmured into his ear, kissing said ear then, slightly amused over how earnestly Kame tried to struggle free. “Don’t flee. I promise I won’t go all the way. You’re safe.”
Since this was Akanishi Jin he was in bed with he felt everything but safe.
“Don’t think of this as something you have to do. This is something enjoyable and special we do to give and receive pleasure.” Jin continued, feeling Kame flinch away under him, but even though Kame resisted and said no the smaller boy’s body was slowly starting to lean more towards yes.
After having talked honestly with him about their problems, Kame seemed to imagine that every time he said ‘no’ or ‘don’t’ Jin would just obediently let him off the hook and so Kame seized every opportunity to say things like that, but what Kame was most afraid of now wasn’t produced by any traumas. Kame was afraid to let his guard down and Kame hated the fact that every time he budged away he couldn’t try to hide it or deny it anymore now that they had talked thoroughly for once.
Kame simply didn’t know how to deal with the situation.
Jin trailed a hand down the slightly messy blond hair. “Even if you budge away, I’ll reach out for you again until you don’t.”
Kame had a feeling that would take forever, closing his eyes instinctively as Jin’s face came closer again, but to his surprise this time it wasn’t his lips that got kissed but his neck. It tickled, but still felt good, too good, and those lips just continued paying attention to all the spots that made him shiver in delight. It almost caused him to give in just a bit when suddenly the touch of hands on his thigh made him want to escape again, but as he was still trapped all he could do was give out a helpless squeak.
Jin stopped kissing his neck and to his surprise he heard something that sounded undeniably as giggling.
Kame couldn’t believe it. Was Jin mocking him? Out of everyone it hurt most that Jin would. “Are you laughing at me?”
The older boy pulled away a bit to meet his eyes and they watched him amused, confirming Kame’s earlier suspicions.
“Sorry.” Jin replied with a wide grin still plastered on his face and what made it worse was that Jin seemed unable to get rid off it. “That was just too adorable.”
Usually Kame would only contemplate on smacking Jin and not actually do it, but right then he suddenly felt the urge to go through with it. However before his hand could connect with Jin’s head, the leader caught it in the air, entwining their fingers together and pressing his hand down against bed.
Kame forgot all about being insulted, as suddenly all he could think about was the fingers mixed with his, rings pressing against each other’s. Heat rose to his face as he remembered numerous intimate moments they had shared, lying together just like this. He couldn’t recall the last time he had felt this uneasy…but in a good way, and he just stared up at Jin still positioned above him, barely acknowledging that Jin was talking.
“This time I won’t hurt you.” Jin promised. “People, who are in a relationship, shouldn’t hurt one another.”
As Jin tried to release his hand from Kame’s he noticed how Kame was holding onto it tightly and he saw quite a different look in Kame’s eyes as he turned to meet the boy’s gaze again. Kame’s look was almost…inviting, but he hadn’t even decided whether to take a chance and act upon it before Kame himself had pulled him down for quite the needy kiss. Jin loved the taste of it and how Kame kept responding to him even when he kissed the boy harder, excitement rushing through him. This was how they had used to kiss. This was his Kame. His breath was clearly faster than normal as their lips parted.
“Tease...” he managed to mutter, enjoying one final glance at Kame and the swollen lips before lying down beside his boyfriend without releasing Kame’s hand since Kame still held onto his so hard. He had to put in quite a lot of effort to calm down and get ready to go to sleep, unaware that Kame was struggling with the same problem too.
Kame had to get up and splash cold water against his face before crawling back into bed with Jin, hearing the older boy groan in that certain delighted tone as he laid down into Jin’s open arms. His boyfriend kept fiddling with his pyjamas, probably tempted to rip it off, but managed to refrain from it and the movements slowly ceased as Jin fell asleep.
But Kame was wide-awake. He seemed unable to calm down completely.
He couldn’t believe the way he had just felt a short while ago, and had Jin decided not to back off after a kiss then who knows how far they would’ve gone had that feeling inside him lasted and not been replaced by fear.
What had Jin done to him to make him react like that? Those emotions…were so familiar. Jin had made him feel like that so many times before. He couldn’t believe how close he had been to losing control. Something had just triggered inside of him and if Jin kept reaching out for him even when he’d pull away, then maybe he’d actually surrender and this phase he’s been going through now would be but a memory.
Slipping his fingers in between Jin’s again, Kame closed his eyes, allowing himself to fall asleep as well.
~*~*~*~
Remember that you are mine, and that I’m not letting you go.
He felt hot and his entire body trembled as he tried to breathe like normal, but every movement, every thrust, made him bite back the urge to cry out and say one name that was already resting on the tip of his tongue. He wasn’t sure he had been able to hold it back every time.
He had never felt so close to anyone before. The pleasure was so intense it was mind blowing.
A hand pushed away his sweaty strands of hair from his face before trailing up his arm to his hand, entwining fingers with his so that the rings they wore together for the first time pressed against each other as they moved in unison. They picked up the speed and it forced a whimper out of him, in turn earning him the attention of his companion again. As their eyes locked he subconsciously tightened his hold on the other one’s hand, nails burying into his skin. He had never thought it would be possible to love someone this much.
The kiss he had been yearning for he finally got and he forgot he was even in prison anymore. Jin could make him feel out of this world…
…
Kame opened his eyes, breathing in and out hard, not really knowing where he was at first, but then his surroundings slowly started making sense to him.
What was that all about? Had he…actually had that kind of a dream about Jin and him? He hadn’t been seeing nightmares for a while, but this?
To his dismay he found himself rather…turned on. What was he going to do now? How would he get rid off it? What if Jin woke up and found him like this?
…Wait. Shouldn’t he be happy instead? Shouldn’t he wake Jin up and tell Jin the good news or better yet just jump his boyfriend? Even if Jin wouldn’t mind Kame didn’t think that was a good idea, although he probably shouldn’t think. He had come to the solution it wasn’t helping.
Was Jin still asleep?
As carefully as possible, he lifted on the arm around him, trying to crawl out of the embrace and out of bed, so he could go to the bathroom and do something about his situation, but he hadn’t made it far when Jin suddenly moved behind him and his heart froze in his chest as the arm hooked around him tighter.
“Kazu?” the leader asked in a hoarse voice, the way Jin sounded when Jin had just woken up and it wasn’t helping him any at the moment. Neither was the fact that Jin was speaking right into his ear, sending shivers down his spine as the boy breathed warm air down his neck. “What is it?”
Kame felt his hot face heat up even more and he fought to get the arm off him, but it wouldn’t move, much less release him. “I-I’m fine! I just need…water.”
Preferably really cold water and a whole bucket of it…
“Another nightmare?” Jin asked and Kame wondered for a moment if Jin really didn’t know what kind of a dream he had seen or if Jin was just playing dumb.
“N-no.” he stuttered out, wishing he had answered yes to that one. Now Jin had to realize what he had dreamt about, but he didn’t have the heart to lie. It wasn’t as if Jin wouldn’t figure it out anyway.
“You’re trembling, come here.” Jin mumbled, pulling him backwards into his boyfriend and Kame didn’t succeed in resisting as his body wasn’t cooperating with him and he let out a silent squeak instead. He hoped Jin wouldn’t notice how he was covered in sweat, but there was no way Jin couldn’t. He was done for.
He bit his lower lip to swallow back an unwanted moan as Jin kissed his neck, making things worse for him, and he pressed back the memories of what had been the result of the last time he had woken up with a hard on.
“It’s all right now.” the older boy murmured, but Kame strongly disagreed. “Wanna talk about it?”
He knew Jin expected him to be more honest these days and to open up, but he really didn’t want to tell Jin about that dream.
“You said my names quite a few times.” Jin added and Kame shifted uncomfortably inside the embrace. He wished Jin would just drop the subject. He couldn’t really deal with this right now, so he brought Jin’s hand to his lips, kissing it and hoping it could relay to Jin what he wasn’t able to say now. The sight of the ring on Jin’s finger brought back flashes from his dream and he released the hand, but as Jin still wouldn’t release him he ended up lying there trapped in Jin’s arms.
This would be one awful, but still so pleasant night, Kame concluded as he managed to shut his eyes, thankful to the fact that at least Jin wasn’t asking anymore questions and after a few long hours, finally having calmed down, he dared to let sleep take over him again.
The next time he opened his eyes some more hours into the night had passed. At first he wasn’t sure why he had woken up, feeling in his gut there was something wrong…something was missing… He felt colder than before.
Looking around in the dark room he realized that it was Jin what was missing. Where had Jin gone in the middle of the night without even telling him or leaving him a note?
Unable to sleep, Kame decided to wait until Jin returned and half an hour or so of silent meditating and waiting passed until the front door opened and closed and Jin took off his shoes and extra clothes. Silent steps made their way into his direction before Jin entered the room, halting as he noticed Kame sitting on the bed.
“Did I wake you up?” the leader asked as he slipped out of his shirt and Kame shook his head.
“I woke up to the feeling that something’s wrong.” he replied, expecting Jin to explain why he had left, but the older boy didn’t. “Where were you?”
“Just out.” Jin replied, unzipping his pants.
“Where?” Kame pressed on with the conversation. “To a bar?”
“I took a walk. I needed to get some fresh air.” Jin replied as if it was normal for him to disappear like that in the middle of the night. As far as Kame was concerned it wasn’t. He watched his boyfriend hang his clothes from the chair.
“You know, don’t you?” Kame said then and Jin turned towards him again. “About my dream, about the…state I was in after waking up… That’s why you went out.”
Jin didn’t say anything, but it was obvious he was right.
“Look, I was…embarrassed about it, that’s why I tried to hide it. I know I shouldn’t have been, but it’s been so long since…” Kame explained, not looking at Jin right now. “It’s not in my intention to keep things from you anymore. So, if you still want to…we can stay up a little longer.”
There was a short silence before Jin replied, “It’s late. We can take a rain check tomorrow.”
It didn’t seem too late for Jin to walk around outside for who knows how long, so why was Jin rejecting him? Was it because Jin didn’t believe he’d do anything but turn his boyfriend on again, making Jin so frustrated for a release the leader would need to go out and clear his head? He hated what he was doing to Jin and he wished Jin would be more honest about it.
Kame lowered his head, feeling stupid he had even suggested something like that. “It’s impossible, isn’t it, because I react like this? I’m really trying…”
To think he had sat there convincing himself he should just submit when Jin had already been letting out his frustration.
Jin could never stand seeing Kame miserable, climbing instantly onto the bed. It was instinct to close his arms around the smaller form, hugging both Kame and the blanket around him.
“Don’t worry about it.” Jin murmured. “Don’t force yourself.”
At that moment Kame could finally relax again. He was lucky to have someone to hold onto, someone who was there to make sure he wouldn’t give up. It was a good thing that Jin was getting to him, but why had this had to happen to him in the first place? Kame still didn’t think it was fair. How was he supposed to get over this?
He hugged Jin back tightly unaware of how it pleased Jin to see also this side of Kame again, the vulnerable side. He had been pushing Kame too hard if the result was nightmares. He had thought Kame had reacted better, but he had obviously been wrong as he had initiated nightmares instead. Maybe he didn’t understand Kame as well as he thought. Maybe he read the boy wrong all the time.
~*~*~*~
Jin had tried to behave like normal the next morning, but Kame could tell last night was not in the past yet.
Maybe he should’ve given it a shot while turned on like that, but he hadn’t reacted like that for a long time and it had shocked him he had still been capable of feeling like he was on fire. It was a good sign and that’s why, tonight, he wouldn’t back down that easily.
Stopping by the grocery store on his way to their apartment, Kame bought some really delicious food he knew Jin liked, packing into the basket three packages of olives and a few cans of beer all for Jin. They could cook together again.
But as he returned to the apartment Jin wasn’t there. Since it was late, Kame guessed Jin was still out with Yamapi like Jin had said he’d be. That meant the two leaders were in the usual bar.
Kame checked his phone. No new messages or calls, but surely Jin would be back soon. He should make the dinner ready.
Entering the kitchen Kame put the groceries down, pausing as he picked out the frying pan.
Or maybe he should go find Jin. If Jin was still out with Yamapi he could just join them for a while. It wasn’t as if Jin didn’t always welcome him to spend time with him. If it would feel like the leaders preferred being alone together he would leave, saying that he’d go make dinner ready and that Jin could enjoy himself and come back then.
Maybe Jin would like it if he made an effort and came over to him. After last night’s rejection showing some affection could only be a good thing. Jin had said that was what he needed the most anyway.
Kame decided that was how he was going to act and he packed the groceries into the fridge before taking off, heading towards the bar first and as he stepped inside he indeed found two familiar men by the counter.
With a small smile, Kame started walking over to the backs turned at him when the topic of their conversation made him stop.
“Didn’t get laid last night either, did you?” Yamapi’s voice sounded amused, as if the boy was teasing Jin. “That’s why you’re sitting here with me. Otherwise you would’ve cancelled in a heartbeat.”
“Shut up.” Jin muttered, drinking of his beer. “I’m sitting here because I’m avoiding going back to the apartment yet. After last night…he needs some space.”
“You’re avoiding him?” Yamapi asked in disbelief.
“He avoided me first.” Jin retorted. “He barely looked at me during breakfast.”
Jin was avoiding him? Kame hadn’t realized they had been on bad terms again. It had never been in his intentions to avoid Jin. He had only had problems looking Jin in the eyes because of that dream. Why did Jin take everything he said or did as a rejection of some kind?
“He must’ve realized how fucking turned on I was when we went to sleep and that’s why he had another nightmare. Then he was too scared to admit it to me, knowing I was the cause of it.”
What was Jin even talking about?
“Your plans are back-firing.” Yamapi commented.
“Thanks, I know.” Jin replied. “Those weren’t the kinds of memories I was trying to awaken inside of him.”
“How long are you going to stand this situation? Isn’t it hard enough already?” Yamapi continued and Jin shot the other leader a look from the corner of his eyes, drinking some more. “I get it that Kame-chan’s got issues, but you can’t just keep letting him get away with it all the time because you feel guilty. You can do more than you are now. You’ll have to apply even more pressure on him or we’ll be having beers for years from now if you don’t put an end to this.”
Kame felt pressured enough as it was. He hadn’t imagined Yamapi knew this much about their relationship, down to all the dirty details…even if there wasn’t so much dirty things going on between them right now - something Yamapi knew too.
“I don’t…” Jin started, voice more than slightly annoyed and Kame wondered if it was because of their situation or Yamapi, “want to rush him. If I make one wrong move he’ll go off track and try to force himself into bed with me. You told me that yourself. Believe me, I am trying, but I’m facing setbacks right now. Do you think I like this situation any more than you or he does?”
Kame took an absent step backwards. Why was Jin saying such things? Why was Jin telling Yamapi so many things instead of him?
Finally as he had gotten two players off his back he came to notice there were two more, sitting together night after night scheming about him and the best way to get him into bed. Was this what Jin had been up to every time the two leaders had met over a beer? Made up plans of how to toy with his mind? It wasn’t as if he wasn’t confused enough already. Jin was quite the player for someone who had supposedly given that up…
“Then do something about it.” Yamapi groaned.
“I can’t. This time I have to wait for him.” Jin replied.
“He’ll make you wait forever.” Yamapi pointed out.
“I don’t have any right to speed things up! If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be in the state he is now!” Jin snapped, showing some more of that frustration Jin had surely carried with him all this time, but never willingly allowed him to see. “I knew before I started dating him that I might have to hold back my urges because one day he’ll most likely bring up our past and that’s why I tried to keep him from ever entering a relationship with me. I thought we’d never make it. But as we did start dating I forgot to watch out for that. I should’ve realized it was only my delusion that we could start off fresh like that when he came with us. I know I have a lot to answer for.”
“You don’t need to play the nice boyfriend because of that.” Yamapi said. “Don’t blame yourself.”
“But it is my fault.” Jin insisted. “He’s acting up like this because of me. He is my responsibility! I did that to him and now I will have to fix it somehow!”
Suddenly Jin stopped talking and turned to look over one shoulder. Yamapi followed his gaze to see what had caught Jin’s attention and upon the sight of him standing there both boys froze, neither one uttering a word.
Kame didn’t say anything either, as he believed there wasn’t anything that needed to be said at this moment, and backed away a step then another until he was back by the door and he opened it, turning to run out.
“Oh shit.” Jin cursed, flying up from the chair. “Fuck! Pi, do something!”
Both leaders were out the door in a few seconds where they parted ways without a word, Yamapi taking off into the opposite direction than Jin, but neither caught the sight of Kame anywhere.
Jin ran as fast as he could while dialling the number of the first one of his gang mates he found. “Guys! Call the cavalry! Everyone we know! Block all ways out! Guard the borders! We have a major problem!”
But despite their advantage in numbers the cavalry wasn’t fast enough.
Kame sighed, coming to a halt by the closest border. Somehow he had ended up running this way and had even been ready to cross over the street without any of his belongings with him, but then again he wouldn’t need them in prison where he’d surely end up should he leave these blocks alone. Besides the most precious thing he owned he carried with him. He lowered his gaze to his ring and felt slightly calmer. Having run with all his might had taken most of the energy out of him and he didn’t even feel so mad anymore.
He knew Jin was fed up with this situation just as much as he was. He just didn’t like it that Yamapi heard about everything they did or didn’t do in bed. Then again, best friends shared practically everything, didn’t they? He had never had one to confide in like Jin did with Yamapi and vice versa. He should go back, listen to Jin’s explanation and answer by giving Jin a piece of his mind the way Jin seemed to prefer it these days, then kiss and make up and move on from this incident. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Compared to their relationship this was nothing.
If Jin was serious about this relationship, that is. Hearing Jin say all of that…it made him feel as if Jin was just pity-dating him because Jin was feeling guilty over their past. That thought almost had him crossing the border to see if Jin should follow, but he already knew the answer to that.
Cut the crap. You’re just scared. Men like Akanishi don’t just date boys they don’t have an interest in.
Jin would come after him.
His brothers had been right, telling him those things that night, and he wanted nothing more than to hear them say the same to him again, erasing all doubt in him that could convince him otherwise. God, how he missed them and the rest of his family. He wanted to see them so badly, but to leave and do that would just mean he would be using them as an excuse to run away because he was scared to trust that Jin could feel something for someone like him. He still couldn’t see what Jin had fallen for in him, but he should just learn to trust his boyfriend. Though, it would be a heck of a lot easier if Jin stopped pretending around him… Maybe he needed to set that fact straight with Jin.
Clenched his hand over the ring Kame turned to head back when a voice made him stop.
“Kame-chan?”
Surprised he spun back around, not believing his ears, as the person he thought that voice belonged to couldn’t possibly be there…
Kame blinked, eyeing the man on the opposite side of the border.
But he was.
“It’s been a while, Kame-chan.” Masa said. “You look a bit tired. Shouldn’t you be dancing on the clouds now that Akanishi Jin finally accepted you as his boyfriend?”
“How…?” Kame stuttered out.
“How what?” Masa repeated. “How did I know you were dating Akanishi? How did I know you were here? I’m very well informed. It didn’t take long before we found out where you all had taken off to.”
And by Masa being here now…did this mean that Johnny and Masa were trying catch them tonight? Was something going down? Should he run back and warn the others?
“Life in these blocks hasn’t treated you very well, I see.” Masa continued then, eyeing him up and down. “I told you so, but you just had to give up that brilliant future of yours for the lot you’d never belong with and do you know why? You’ll never be one of them. You don’t fit into their world and you never will.”
“I have to go…” Kame said. He had needed words of encouragement right now, not those that could make him second guess his decisions. He turned to walk away, but Masa’s voice wouldn’t let him leave.
“I know why.”
Kame stopped, hating the fact that he had to look back at the man, who was probably just toying with him. Masa was one more person on that endless list of people, who were trying to mess with his head…and even Jin was one of them.
“I know where you belong and why you can belong only there.”
“I don’t think I belong anywhere.” Kame replied.
“To know yourself and to know your place in this world can be one of the hardest things to figure out.” Masa said, daring a few steps across the border. “Some never do. I almost didn’t, I walked for years on the wrong path, but then you showed me.”
Kame doubtfully looked over at the man stopping a small distance away from him, approximately halfway across the border.
“Now let me show you.” Masa added. “Tonight I’m here on my own accord, Johnny has nothing to do with this, so let me return the favor with an offer you can’t refuse.”
“Another offer?” Kame asked.
“I need you, Kame-chan. There is something only you can do.” Masa said and Kame was surprised to hear that. He couldn’t think of one thing that someone else couldn’t do just as well as him if not better, including hacking. There had to be more hackers out there Johnny or Masa could recruit. “Let’s stop pretending you’re satisfied with your life as it is. You can never be because they do things you can’t stand. Help me put an end to that.”
“You want me to turn on the Johnny’s?” Kame concluded. “You’re out of your mind. As if I couldn’t figure out you just want to lure me out of here to get the Johnny’s to come save me-”
“As if you’re not on your way out by yourself without any help from me.” Masa said before Kame could make another attempt to leave and Kame fell silent. “So hear me out.”
~*~*~*~
Jin cursed for himself for the umpteenth time.
Where the hell was Kame? He had run up and down every street, but his boyfriend was nowhere to be found. How could he have been so stupid and not noticed Kame’s presence there a little earlier? He had let his guard down, but he had never imagined Kame coming there. Why had Kame? Had Kame…wanted to spend time with him?
Who knows where Kame was now. No one had found the smaller boy, meaning Kame was probably not even in these blocks anymore. Had Kame really left? What about the boy’s belongings?
Jin hurried back to their apartment to check if they were still there and as he entered the bedroom he was shocked at the sight of Kame sitting on the bed, obviously waiting for him.
“N-no way!” he managed to stutter out, not believing his eyes. “You were here?!”
“Yes and am I only here because you feel guilty? Is that why you’re finally letting me be with you?” Kame asked, standing up from the bed. He was straying from his plan to listen and have Jin apologize first, but what Masa had just told him had left him in a whole other state of mind. “Because you wouldn’t have let me be part of your life before. Did you just say all those nice things to me because you wanted to heal me as soon as possible?”
“I know how it sounded back in the bar, but-” Jin tried to explain.
“I thought you wanted to be with me! I thought you were serious!” Kame cut him off. “I thought you…l-loved me.”
Jin had no idea how hard he had tried all along. He might be far from the perfect boyfriend, but how many would ever even consider going out with someone who had forced them into bed?
“You said that…you told me you did…” Kame added, as if doubting it now that Jin was just quietly returning his gaze.
“I am serious.” Jin replied then. “I’m serious about you.”
“The hell you are!” Kame shot back. “You’re still just showing me what you want me to see, letting me believe things are actually all right between us when they’re not!”
“Kazu, I-”
“I know you’re not what you seem!” Kame interrupted again. “I’ve seen you punch bricks because you’ve been so frustrated with me!”
It was seldom he caught Jin aback, but judging from the look upon Jin’s face this time he had.
“You tell me to be truthful towards you and to show you everything! Why don’t you try that yourself? It’s not so easy, is it? It makes you feel quite vulnerable, believe me I know.” Kame continued. “If I’m your boyfriend then you should be able to tell me what you told Yamapi!”
That made the surprised look upon Jin’s face turn to a more troubled one, as the leader answered, “Kame, I just talk that way with Pi, it doesn’t mean that it’s all I-”
“Stop pretending!” Kame cut in. “Don’t be so nice to me when I know you don’t want to be! I know this isn’t you! This isn’t all you’ve got. I know you’re frustrated with me, so don’t pretend you’re not! I’ve seen how frustrated you were before I had a mental breakdown and you obviously haven’t changed since! Why can’t you ever be honest with me?”
“Of course I am frustrated! I’ve barely gotten to touch you for as long as we’ve been in Korea!” Jin replied finally and Kame fell silent. Was Jin finally showing his true self now? “I want to be close to you! I long to be close to you!”
Kame didn’t know how to reply. He had pushed Jin to say those words aloud, but now that they were out in the opening he could barely meet Jin’s eyes.
“At first I admit I was frustrated by you not opening up to me, but I couldn’t blame you because I hadn’t exactly encouraged you to do that during the time you had known me. I didn’t even have the faintest clue of why you suddenly shut me out completely.” Jin continued. “But now that I know why…how can you even think I’d blame you? This is something I did, not you.”
“So you have to fix it by playing my boyfriend?” Kame finished and Jin grabbed him tightly, making him let out a small yelp.
“This is not a game.” the older boy said the words he knew were true, but he had needed to hear in order to believe them. “I’m not dating you out of pity or guilt. Why would I spend so much time on curing only you? You’ve said it yourself, you’re not the only one I’ve hurt. You’re most likely not the only one who feels like this either…”
Kame’s eyes were glued onto Jin’s. He kept forgetting that even if he forgave Jin there were plenty who haven’t and probably never would. There were many Jin still owed apologizes to and the majority of them would probably never get to hear Jin say it either.
“Yet after everything I did to you I still want to make you mine.” Jin added, taking a few steps forwards and Kame stumbled backwards, seeing a different look in Jin’s eyes now than a few seconds ago and it had him aimlessly escaping despite Jin hadn’t let go of him. The wardrobe he backed into made him finally stop and Jin stopped in front of him, trapped him there. “I want you so badly.”
Fingers danced through his hair in a familiar way, quite like they had in his previous, pleasant dream.
“I’m going crazy having to stay away from you, but at the same time I feel as if I’m actually dating you by doing it all properly and I like that thought.” Jin continued. “I want to be a boyfriend you’ll love. I want to make you happy and give you everything someone with my background can. I want to be so close to you and make you feel out of this world.”
Kame pressed further backwards, stiffening a bit as that made Jin lean in even more towards him.
“I long to cover you, to be one with you, to feel heaven inside you…” Jin trailed off, finally talking to him the way Jin probably did about him to Yamapi, and Kame wondered if he should not have asked for this honesty after all as it was making him uncomfortable. “I hate the fact that my presence scares you, that you budge away from me, that you have nightmares about me…that I’ve brought all of that upon you myself.”
The intensity and need behind Jin’s words made his heartbeat fasten, yet he couldn’t interrupt. He wasn’t even totally sure he wanted to.
“Sex…isn’t enough anymore.” Jin continued as he stayed silent. “No matter how many times we’d do it I’ll always be hungry for more, but if our relationship only exists between the sheets then even the sex will turn impersonal and then it wouldn’t matter who it was with anymore. I want you by my side, I want you in my everyday life and I want you in my bed.”
“I can’t see sex as something enjoyable anymore.” Kame finally managed to say, wondering why it tasted a lie. But surely whatever had come over him last night had simply been memories of their past. He would never be able to act upon the feelings those memories had brought him. Obviously even if he was turned on he would still not want to do anything. “I could go on perfectly fine without ever having it again.”
“I can’t.” Jin said. “And I don’t want it to be with anyone but you.”
Kame found it hard to even swallow at the moment. “Why can’t you?” he had to ask. After all, sex was only a momentarily pleasure. “Why isn’t love enough?”
“I can love you without sex.” Jin replied. Gods knew he had, even though he had had plenty of opportunities to get it elsewhere if Kame denied it of him. “But the problem is that I can’t keep my hands off of you for all eternity.”
He was barely managing that now and Kame knew it too, otherwise the smaller boy wouldn’t be this uneasy around him.
“I’ll remind you how good it can feel.” Jin added and Kame really didn’t want to be reminded any further. He jumped as Jin took a hold on his arms. “You may not have enjoyed it every night, but there were many more when you did. I’ll remind you of them.”
How was Jin planning on doing that? By forcing him into bed and making him remember?
“You will know what it was like.” Jin insisted. “I’m not giving up until you’re mine and once you are I’m never going to do anything to lose you again. I’m lucky you must still want to be with me otherwise you wouldn’t still be here.”
“My first thought was to leave.” Kame confessed. “But then I started to think that the decent thing would be to stay and listen if there’s something you have to say to me. I know what it’s like to wake up alone, not knowing where you are or why you had to go somewhere in the middle of the night… Did things get too rough just sleeping next to me? Did you go and punch brick walls because I didn’t open up to you?”
The look he received as he had said that made Kame fall silent and Jin answered to his question, “I took a walk around the blocks because I was going crazy lying there knowing I keep causing you nightmares about what I did to you.”
Kame frowned. “Why do you keep talking about nightmares? I haven’t seen nightmares since that one time after you had just moved in.”
Did Jin really think he had seen a nightmare? Jin ought to know by now how he sounded like when in pleasure, but maybe Jin always expected the worst and so couldn’t imagine him having such a pleasant dream. He found it hard to believe himself.
Jin paused, surprise painted on his face, and Kame felt incredibly awkward right then, seeing Jin finally put two and two together. “…Really?”
Kame crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively. “I don’t know…what came over me that night.”
A somewhat victorious smirk rose to Jin’s face, as the older boy said in a teasing voice, “So…you can’t see sex as something enjoyable anymore, eh?”
Kame felt like he should defend himself somehow, but no words came out of his mouth. He settled at glaring as Jin lifted his chin, forcing his gaze back to the leader’s eyes as it had escaped to the floor.
“Believe me there’s no way you’ll go on perfectly fine without ever doing it again either.” Jin added and as Kame still refused to respond in any way the older boy added, “Shall we call it a night then?”
Kame gave a curt nod, spending the rest of the night sending Jin suspicious glances just in case Jin would try something funny now that Kame’s growing needs had gotten exposed like this. He just hoped he wouldn’t see any more dreams tonight…
Jin was more than satisfied that night as he lay down on their bed. He was so relieved. It was like he had known after all. Kame hadn’t reacted badly to his approaches, but better than he had had expected. But he couldn’t stop wondering what it was that had made Kame dream about them like that again. What had he done? Had he triggered something in Kame or had Kame’s body just had enough and given into pleasure?
Either way, Kame was heading into the right direction and maybe faster than Kame realized himself.
Light-hearted, Jin went to sleep that night, hooking an arm around Kame and his boyfriend slowly accepted it, hugging it into his chest.
In contrast to Jin, Kame’s heart felt heavy as he lay awake that night, unable to shut out all the things Masa had said to him earlier. He didn’t want to believe the detective’s words, he wanted to brush them off as Masa’s manipulative ways of trying to get him to do something stupid, but maybe Masa had been telling him the truth. Some things had been frighteningly accurate.
Maybe the offer was real too and it was all he could think about that night and the following day as he went to work.
~*~*~*~
part 2