Apparently I'm in the mood to use this journal...
Occasionally I get the urge to do something that I know violates friendships, trusts, and more... however I have the habit of doing the things anyway. Does this make me a bad person? I don't think so. But I do need to start to remember that curiosity killed the cat, and it could kill more if I'm not careful.
I've recently decided that I'm done with some of the people that I've spent this spring hanging around. Done with their games, done with their shit, done with their need to act certain ways to impress certain people. I have never been one to impress. It's been 10 years since I put effort into fitting in, into working with a group of people to be their favorite. I'm not going to start those games now.
And yet there are things that I am still hiding.
I hate having grown up with a catholic babysitter on a virgo/libra mind. It's caused guilt complexes beyond what I wish they were. Although my urges don't make me feel guilty other things do.. it's a very strange mental fuck.
I'm aware that most of this doesn't make sense. That's fine. If this is bad, my random trains of thoughts must be hell half the time.
Some things I wish were different. Things I wish had never happened, things I wish had happened differently. I think the next year of my life will be different. On that note anyway - moving. Saving. We'll see which really comes first.
I hit a point about 2 months ago where I wanted to tell Moscow to fuck off. I wanted out. I wanted to leave. And now it's worse. But for the right reasons? The original ones are still there... but have new reasons added to it? Or is my desire just generally growing?
Before I confuse myself, I need to stop this.
Oh, and I took the job. I didn't see any reason not to do it for at least the summer.
I've recently decided that I'm done with some of the people that I've spent this spring hanging around. Done with their games, done with their shit, done with their need to act certain ways to impress certain people. I have never been one to impress. It's been 10 years since I put effort into fitting in, into working with a group of people to be their favorite. I'm not going to start those games now.
And yet there are things that I am still hiding.
I hate having grown up with a catholic babysitter on a virgo/libra mind. It's caused guilt complexes beyond what I wish they were. Although my urges don't make me feel guilty other things do.. it's a very strange mental fuck.
I'm aware that most of this doesn't make sense. That's fine. If this is bad, my random trains of thoughts must be hell half the time.
Some things I wish were different. Things I wish had never happened, things I wish had happened differently. I think the next year of my life will be different. On that note anyway - moving. Saving. We'll see which really comes first.
I hit a point about 2 months ago where I wanted to tell Moscow to fuck off. I wanted out. I wanted to leave. And now it's worse. But for the right reasons? The original ones are still there... but have new reasons added to it? Or is my desire just generally growing?
Before I confuse myself, I need to stop this.
Oh, and I took the job. I didn't see any reason not to do it for at least the summer.