Anyway, I think I made it up just now...
Anyway, I think...I made it up just now. But, It sounds like something that one goth friend of his would say. Goth did not actually exist back then. But he always came up with Goth excursions to distract our friends from tedious sameness...
"I don't want to go to an old abandoned grave yard at midnight and repeat 'Bloody Marie.'" One of us piped up.
Lap Dance cheerfully exclaimed "I DO!"
Goth smiled wickedly "OK. Let's dig up some Graves!"
"He won't come with us if he thinks we're Grave Diggers!"
"Yeah he will. Leave that to me." Goth smiled confidently.
"I don't really want to dig up graves and Lap Dance you are NOT allowed to say 'Bloody Marie' at anytime at ANY Graveyard and NEVER EVER at Midnight! But I'm in!"
"Me too. I want a skull for a still life I'm drawing."
"You draw?"
"Yeah, I'm an artist."
"Really? I thought I was the only artist out here."
"Nope, I need a naked model will you pose for me?"
"That's insulting! You don't ask other artists to pose naked for you. Ask Lap Dance!"
"OK we all meet back here tomorrow night at ten. It's a long drive."
He stands there on that porch in 1993 waiting for me to hear the doorbell ring and answer. Some moments I'm in the shower washing blood and shit and semen off of me when he rings the doorbell. I can see him there, his back to the door staring at the car that drove up as he left. His expression untroubled except for a slight puzzled frown. He just won everything he ever wanted in his life at that moment.
We plotted excursion to distract him from schoolwork, he plotted later. He plotted how to win without being in there debt. Debt is a new concept to teenagers. The old men around Universities understand debt and they understand obligation. They understand guilt and they understand a carrot in front of a pony's face. They understand marriage. They understand sex. They understand the Bible or think they do. They understand youth. They understand power. They understand friendship. They understand Gay.
But they didn't understand LOVE. We were already married when someone threw out the word "Puppy Love" to describe what we felt. "Infatuation" was the more usual response. It's just "Eros" it will go away. "You'll get over him!" "It will be a fond memory when you're my age nothing more." "There are billions of 'fish' in the sea."
He said something different. He remembered stuff I didn't remember. When we met at his brother's 1st Birthday. He remembered the day he was twelve, I punched him in the nose for announcing quite arrogantly "I am going to rape you!" Horrid terrible awful boy! He remembered every single day I did not. Those old men knew of some of those days. The young men did not. I never understood then what they wanted from him from every one of us. Sincere Religious peity and Christian belief is what I believed they wanted from all of us. But I'm the key that unlocks that lie of there's. Every single one of us at school then rebelled throwing up "IF they want this much Religion from us that we are in Hell on Earth then we will have no Religion." I wasn't there the year we all rebelled. I obeyed my Mother and stayed home. I went to Church, I prayed everyday, I sang religious songs in the shower, I danced with spiritual Joy. I didn't talk the talk much. I just walked the walk when I was not drugged into senselessness. "Perfection is not a thing to be grasped by man...All have sinned and fallen Short of the Glory of God." I had sex with a man. I enjoyed it at some point and wanted to keep having sex with that man. He insisted we Marry. I didn't much care either way. I had no Vows of Celibacy, no Nuns habit. My Parents weren't even particularly upset by me having sex with a man. And I have no desire to have sex with every man I meet. Where do men get that idea? I married him. I wasn't sure it was Love. I did not even know what Love was then. He enjoyed it and wanted to do it again. What's the problem?
What makes this entire group want to punish every single teenager that has sex & marries young? You're punished with poverty and endless social chastisement. You're expected to drop out of College and "be married" and take your pill of life long destitution. While you take your pill of poverty, your Love is suppose to wither and die from hardship and bitterness. Or you become impoverished Church mice kissing up to mildewing old men for bread crumbs. You have one single chance to admit you were wrong, beg forgiveness of the old men and old women, and forsake whom you Love. THAT is the WORLD they created for teenagers who married young. For women caught simply having sex with a boyfriend or fiancé the WORLD they created was even WORSE. Rape victims were often considered "Fornicators." Teenage marriages were considered "Fornicators." Our Parents permission to Marry was ignored because we did not have the permission of the Group. A handful of geriatric Old men we barely knew who had NO POWER over any member of our families except us. A handful of young men & women with even less power over us and our families. It's a Cult characteristic. I have never really understood what they wanted from
Him that they were willing to do what they did to us, to him. Everyone knew what they wanted from me... a beautiful stupid whore out of a Religious innocent. I flirted with the geriatric old men like every other woman raised among them. Innocently. I didn't insult. I didn't argue. I didn't embarrass any of them. The interactions were friendly and respectful on my part. I was not having geriatric old men propose marriage among the pews. I got called a "Lolita" and had to ask what that meant. Things boys occasionally fantacized about and said was like watching a stupid bad porn movie, pretty absurd to a teenager. So what exactly is the big deal with a couple of teenagers having sex and getting married?
A cousin or maybe my Grandmother believed it was about an old man's grudge against my Family. My Grandpa was the Hero. Teenagers don't know about old men's grudges. I don't know, it's just something that was said.
I don't know what I want from this.
I see his face looking at that car while he stands on my porch waiting for me to answer the door.
"I don't want to go to an old abandoned grave yard at midnight and repeat 'Bloody Marie.'" One of us piped up.
Lap Dance cheerfully exclaimed "I DO!"
Goth smiled wickedly "OK. Let's dig up some Graves!"
"He won't come with us if he thinks we're Grave Diggers!"
"Yeah he will. Leave that to me." Goth smiled confidently.
"I don't really want to dig up graves and Lap Dance you are NOT allowed to say 'Bloody Marie' at anytime at ANY Graveyard and NEVER EVER at Midnight! But I'm in!"
"Me too. I want a skull for a still life I'm drawing."
"You draw?"
"Yeah, I'm an artist."
"Really? I thought I was the only artist out here."
"Nope, I need a naked model will you pose for me?"
"That's insulting! You don't ask other artists to pose naked for you. Ask Lap Dance!"
"OK we all meet back here tomorrow night at ten. It's a long drive."
He stands there on that porch in 1993 waiting for me to hear the doorbell ring and answer. Some moments I'm in the shower washing blood and shit and semen off of me when he rings the doorbell. I can see him there, his back to the door staring at the car that drove up as he left. His expression untroubled except for a slight puzzled frown. He just won everything he ever wanted in his life at that moment.
We plotted excursion to distract him from schoolwork, he plotted later. He plotted how to win without being in there debt. Debt is a new concept to teenagers. The old men around Universities understand debt and they understand obligation. They understand guilt and they understand a carrot in front of a pony's face. They understand marriage. They understand sex. They understand the Bible or think they do. They understand youth. They understand power. They understand friendship. They understand Gay.
But they didn't understand LOVE. We were already married when someone threw out the word "Puppy Love" to describe what we felt. "Infatuation" was the more usual response. It's just "Eros" it will go away. "You'll get over him!" "It will be a fond memory when you're my age nothing more." "There are billions of 'fish' in the sea."
He said something different. He remembered stuff I didn't remember. When we met at his brother's 1st Birthday. He remembered the day he was twelve, I punched him in the nose for announcing quite arrogantly "I am going to rape you!" Horrid terrible awful boy! He remembered every single day I did not. Those old men knew of some of those days. The young men did not. I never understood then what they wanted from him from every one of us. Sincere Religious peity and Christian belief is what I believed they wanted from all of us. But I'm the key that unlocks that lie of there's. Every single one of us at school then rebelled throwing up "IF they want this much Religion from us that we are in Hell on Earth then we will have no Religion." I wasn't there the year we all rebelled. I obeyed my Mother and stayed home. I went to Church, I prayed everyday, I sang religious songs in the shower, I danced with spiritual Joy. I didn't talk the talk much. I just walked the walk when I was not drugged into senselessness. "Perfection is not a thing to be grasped by man...All have sinned and fallen Short of the Glory of God." I had sex with a man. I enjoyed it at some point and wanted to keep having sex with that man. He insisted we Marry. I didn't much care either way. I had no Vows of Celibacy, no Nuns habit. My Parents weren't even particularly upset by me having sex with a man. And I have no desire to have sex with every man I meet. Where do men get that idea? I married him. I wasn't sure it was Love. I did not even know what Love was then. He enjoyed it and wanted to do it again. What's the problem?
What makes this entire group want to punish every single teenager that has sex & marries young? You're punished with poverty and endless social chastisement. You're expected to drop out of College and "be married" and take your pill of life long destitution. While you take your pill of poverty, your Love is suppose to wither and die from hardship and bitterness. Or you become impoverished Church mice kissing up to mildewing old men for bread crumbs. You have one single chance to admit you were wrong, beg forgiveness of the old men and old women, and forsake whom you Love. THAT is the WORLD they created for teenagers who married young. For women caught simply having sex with a boyfriend or fiancé the WORLD they created was even WORSE. Rape victims were often considered "Fornicators." Teenage marriages were considered "Fornicators." Our Parents permission to Marry was ignored because we did not have the permission of the Group. A handful of geriatric Old men we barely knew who had NO POWER over any member of our families except us. A handful of young men & women with even less power over us and our families. It's a Cult characteristic. I have never really understood what they wanted from
Him that they were willing to do what they did to us, to him. Everyone knew what they wanted from me... a beautiful stupid whore out of a Religious innocent. I flirted with the geriatric old men like every other woman raised among them. Innocently. I didn't insult. I didn't argue. I didn't embarrass any of them. The interactions were friendly and respectful on my part. I was not having geriatric old men propose marriage among the pews. I got called a "Lolita" and had to ask what that meant. Things boys occasionally fantacized about and said was like watching a stupid bad porn movie, pretty absurd to a teenager. So what exactly is the big deal with a couple of teenagers having sex and getting married?
A cousin or maybe my Grandmother believed it was about an old man's grudge against my Family. My Grandpa was the Hero. Teenagers don't know about old men's grudges. I don't know, it's just something that was said.
I don't know what I want from this.
I see his face looking at that car while he stands on my porch waiting for me to answer the door.