One of those things I hate
When a person I know, whether closely or tangentially, passes me and says "How are you?" my skin boils. Yes, I know this is a common greeting, and that I am even sometimes (*gasp*) prone to saying it. Furthermore, I understand it is the equivalent of a "Hello" with the added delusional empathy. But, nonetheless, I loathe it. If you were sitting next to me on a couch, or we were locked together in a prison cell, then I see it being OK for you to ask me "How are you?". Because what the fuck is the point of you asking that question if you aren't going to stop and hear the mother fucking answer.
So, there is this guy in my house whose name I will not release (although I will say he is from Spain and is my next-door neighbor), who continually and with never-failing constancy, asks me when me sees me (even if from 40 feet away), "How are you?". Although it sounds a little more like "Ow arrr yooou?". AND I GET SO FUCKING PISSED OFF EACH AND EVER TIME HE DOES IT. I am really actually a nice guy and, in fact, I like this guy. But it just makes no damn sense to ask me how I am when we're walking by each other in the fucking hall, or on the street, or while I'm walking into the stall in our bathroom to take a shit. If you are going to ask me such a poignant question, sit me down like fucking Dr. Phil and ask with a tear in your mother fucking eye, "So Andrew Williams Flowers, how the fuck are YOU buddy?".
Shit.
So today I had enough of it. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have to teach this world a lesson in compassion--true, genuine compassion. So as I was walking down the stairs of my dorm today I spotted the perpetrator in time to prepare myself. As we were about to cross paths, without even so much as looking in my direction, this cock-whore stabs me with the "How are you?". I stop, look him in the eye, and retort quickly, succinctly, and seriously with a Tonnie-the-Tiger-like "I'MMM GRRRRREAAAAAAT!!!", all wide-eyed and happy. Then I straight-faced ask "What's your favorite book?". (*Long pause*) He slowly stops climbing the stairs, realizing that I actually responded, and turns around with a confused, foriegn look on his face. "Godfather I or Godfather II: Which is better in your opinion?" His face tightens, he is out of his fucking element, perplexed by my prodding. "How is your sex life? Masturbate often?" Like Barbara Walters on 20/20 I ask him.
I seriously pull a Leslie Nelson "Naked Gun"/"Airplane" deadpan act. No emotion, just straight absurd question after absurd question. After the last one he scurries off quickly, as if I just stole something and he knew and was running to call the police and expected to get a "citizens' service" medal.
I apologize for this digression, but this is really a mother fucking shame in our society. WEIGH YOUR WORDS BITCHES. And if, damnit, I say to any of you "How are you?", punch me in the nuts.
So, there is this guy in my house whose name I will not release (although I will say he is from Spain and is my next-door neighbor), who continually and with never-failing constancy, asks me when me sees me (even if from 40 feet away), "How are you?". Although it sounds a little more like "Ow arrr yooou?". AND I GET SO FUCKING PISSED OFF EACH AND EVER TIME HE DOES IT. I am really actually a nice guy and, in fact, I like this guy. But it just makes no damn sense to ask me how I am when we're walking by each other in the fucking hall, or on the street, or while I'm walking into the stall in our bathroom to take a shit. If you are going to ask me such a poignant question, sit me down like fucking Dr. Phil and ask with a tear in your mother fucking eye, "So Andrew Williams Flowers, how the fuck are YOU buddy?".
Shit.
So today I had enough of it. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have to teach this world a lesson in compassion--true, genuine compassion. So as I was walking down the stairs of my dorm today I spotted the perpetrator in time to prepare myself. As we were about to cross paths, without even so much as looking in my direction, this cock-whore stabs me with the "How are you?". I stop, look him in the eye, and retort quickly, succinctly, and seriously with a Tonnie-the-Tiger-like "I'MMM GRRRRREAAAAAAT!!!", all wide-eyed and happy. Then I straight-faced ask "What's your favorite book?". (*Long pause*) He slowly stops climbing the stairs, realizing that I actually responded, and turns around with a confused, foriegn look on his face. "Godfather I or Godfather II: Which is better in your opinion?" His face tightens, he is out of his fucking element, perplexed by my prodding. "How is your sex life? Masturbate often?" Like Barbara Walters on 20/20 I ask him.
I seriously pull a Leslie Nelson "Naked Gun"/"Airplane" deadpan act. No emotion, just straight absurd question after absurd question. After the last one he scurries off quickly, as if I just stole something and he knew and was running to call the police and expected to get a "citizens' service" medal.
I apologize for this digression, but this is really a mother fucking shame in our society. WEIGH YOUR WORDS BITCHES. And if, damnit, I say to any of you "How are you?", punch me in the nuts.