And back
I dropped off of LJ for awhile, mostly stuck to chatting with people. I didn't really want to deal with life.
My brother passed away at the beginning of April. I'm mostly dealing with it but I still have days where I just start crying. I was on my way home the other day and went passed the Baskins Robbins he took me to the last time I saw him and just completely broke down and started crying. Didn't stop for the next 30 minutes. Hell, I'm starting to cry right now just thinking about it. The littlest things make me think of him and then I just cry and I have no idea when that's going to stop.
A month later, one of my cousins killed himself when his depression became too much. We weren't close, hell, we hadn't spoken in years. We hung out when we happened to be in the same town but it was still horrible to hear. But it still makes me sad because I remember him as a kid and he was always laughing and running around and I hate that that changed for him.
Most recently, I worked myself to the point of sickness. Going in early, staying late. And now I've been sick for over a week and because where I work doesn't give separate bereavement leave, I had to use my sick leave after my brother died. So I've been going in to work because I've got basically no sick leave left.
I didn't feel like writing for pretty clear reasons but I also wanted to try and use writing as a way to deal. Didn't really work, I mostly ended up reading for the next month and nothing else and it's just been in the last month or so that I've started getting really back in to things. I'll have to catch up on posting some of those to LJ soon. And I'm forever grateful to the Legends Crew because they're some of the only people that have been able to really make me smile and haven't made me feel weird about going quiet and then just popping back in whenever I'm ready. Legends fandom in general has been pretty great.
Still, I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of having to put on a happy face on days when I feel anything but. I'm tired of people that I'm supposed to be able to trust using me.
I suppose I'm just waiting for things to start getting better again.
My brother passed away at the beginning of April. I'm mostly dealing with it but I still have days where I just start crying. I was on my way home the other day and went passed the Baskins Robbins he took me to the last time I saw him and just completely broke down and started crying. Didn't stop for the next 30 minutes. Hell, I'm starting to cry right now just thinking about it. The littlest things make me think of him and then I just cry and I have no idea when that's going to stop.
A month later, one of my cousins killed himself when his depression became too much. We weren't close, hell, we hadn't spoken in years. We hung out when we happened to be in the same town but it was still horrible to hear. But it still makes me sad because I remember him as a kid and he was always laughing and running around and I hate that that changed for him.
Most recently, I worked myself to the point of sickness. Going in early, staying late. And now I've been sick for over a week and because where I work doesn't give separate bereavement leave, I had to use my sick leave after my brother died. So I've been going in to work because I've got basically no sick leave left.
I didn't feel like writing for pretty clear reasons but I also wanted to try and use writing as a way to deal. Didn't really work, I mostly ended up reading for the next month and nothing else and it's just been in the last month or so that I've started getting really back in to things. I'll have to catch up on posting some of those to LJ soon. And I'm forever grateful to the Legends Crew because they're some of the only people that have been able to really make me smile and haven't made me feel weird about going quiet and then just popping back in whenever I'm ready. Legends fandom in general has been pretty great.
Still, I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of having to put on a happy face on days when I feel anything but. I'm tired of people that I'm supposed to be able to trust using me.
I suppose I'm just waiting for things to start getting better again.