Cat and Cat: The other half
I'm nervous like a teenager about to embark on their first date.
It's ridiculous but also funny, hah. I called the hotel, got the answering service. It's 2am for him so he's probably snoozing. I feel like the past is about to catch up with me - in a good way, that is - in form of this person whom I've loved to death since I was 13 and who has loved me back in that same way... I still do, nothing ever changes. Regardless of what's happened in between. It makes me so emotional it's crazy..... but I can't have tears now. I *really* have to pull myself together. I wonder how he feels about it, about me these days. Probably far less involved than I am but who knows. Neither of us is the kind who would ever discuss this or talk about it much. Maybe we should. We were like brother and sister, always. I still feel that way. I thought that we would always be together, in touch at least. It didn't happen after I left Europe the last time. We have seen each other since but now it's been more than 3 years. The last time was just... strange. Pink elephants in the room.
At the time, I was in no mindset to do this properly. I felt so overwhelmed and he seemed to pick up on it and probably felt rejected, or at the very least, figured that I didn't care as I should have. The truth is I *did* care, and a whole lot. I've never stopped caring. He knows me so he should know this. But I guess we all get insecure at times. For me that was such a difficult and tumultuous time that I couldn't enjoy the visit the way I had planned to. I had a million things on my mind, life-changing events had taken place. I felt so out of it and disconnected from everyone. Even him. Or maybe, especially him as he was the past, the place, the people. When he left, I felt so empty. And also guilty, sad. But that's in the past; no use to dwell. Now is now.
I feel like I have a million things to tell him, things to catch up on, things to get his opinion on. Will I though? I don't know. It depends on how it goes. Atmospheric considerations, like a weather forecast. We know each other so well that we pick up on each other's moods anyway. A lot has always been said with just a glance.
I continue to slide along the edge of emotion as I type. I hope I won't bawl like a baby when we meet.