Unfulfilled
Valentine's Day. Yes I spent some of it with Drew, but my parents came up this weekend to take us out to dinner, bring me my great-grandmother's dresser, and generally catch up.
As a result, I'm feeling tired, relieved, dispirited, encouraged, and full of delicious food.
I'm working full time. While I don't have a 5-day work week (which is nice) I do have a... 3 days on, one day off, 3 days on, 3 days off, 2 days on and 2 days off cycle for my two-week pay period in which all of those "days on" start at 10pm and end at 8am, unless my clients still need me until 9am, which happens a lot. Plus I've been picking up an odd shift during one of those days off periods, which will be stopping at the beginning at March. My sleeping pattern doesn't fully exist yet--despite the fact that I've been doing this for a month and a half already. I don't sleep well at all yet when I work the night before and the night after, which means that I'm tired most of the time and sometimes my sleep gets reduced to a series of naps when I try to hang out with friends. Plus, my coworkers and clients are still adjusting to the changes in their lives, which means that everybody is grumbling and rebelling at least a little bit. I keep waiting for a time when I won't be horribly sleep-deprived; I don't think I've managed to maintain a regular sleep schedule for longer than a month since middle school.
I'm relieved that the visit with my parents is over--as much as I love seeing them I stress out over the appearance of my apartment and what we'll end up talking about. But my parents were pretty supportive this time around, treated me to dinner at Stella Blue and breakfast at Nucleus before going home today. My mom didn't twit me about my weight, the cleanliness of my apartment, nothing at all. Relief. My parents assured me that they don't resent the fact that I'm not using my biochemistry degree (which they paid for) right now; they reminded me that my dad has 2 bachelor degrees because he changed his mind about what he wanted to do with life, and that neither of them had gone straight onto their advanced their degrees once they graduated college. Relief. The only remotely awkward topic was taxes: my mom was going to help me go over my tax information when she came up but I had managed to lose my tax information (all of it) about a week and a half ago. But it wasn't all that awkward. This is a parent-child dynamic that I could get used to. And I am totally going to raz my brother about his new girlfriend on his birthday.
I'm dispirited because I keep waiting for each sunrise to wash away my past worries and my current problems. It never does and I never get enough done in order to please everybody. Every sunset is like a paper-extension: it offers a reprieve and a heavier burden all at once. Of course that metaphor and simile doesn't quite work because I don't sleep at night anymore (at least I try not to).
I'm encouraged because I'm still managing to get by and I'm discovering little tricks along the way--such as good cheap crockpot recipes. And thanks to April having a third paycheck in that month, I'll finally be able to afford a futon.
And I'm full of delicious food. Life seems pretty good right now.