FIC: An Excerpt from “An Exploration of Earth Weather: Things Fall from the Sky”
winter came down to our home one night
quietly pirouetting in on
silver-toed slippers of snow
and we, we were children once again
-Bill Morgan, Jr.
“An Exploration of Earth Weather: Things Fall from the Sky”
Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya (Earth Alias = Fred Fil)
[Translation by Toshiko Sato]
Of all the things one must get used to when travelling the Earth, its bizarre weather patterns are up there at the top of the list. On my home planet of Z’Xil, plants and aliens alike are watered through geysers that burst forth from the crust of the planet on regular intervals. Earth is very confusing, as their geysers do not produce water one would want to drink; their drinking water sources are replenished by “rain” that falls from the sky (rain is an Earth term for water that must travel hundreds of kilometers through the air to reach the ground). And apparently, Earth’s air is so dirty, the rain that falls into bodies of water on Earth must then be purified (Earth term for a cleaning technique performed by machines - do not attempt this at home - see “Blood Should Not Go There: A Guide to Earth Technology” by Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya for further proof).
Perhaps the most unusual aspect of Earth’s weather is its extreme unpredictability. Earthlings, in fact, take pride in living in the most disagreeable climates. In my travels, I met an old man from Michigan, United States of Ameerica [sp] who proudly told me that he had lost two toes in freak snowstorms that came from nowhere. There are two toes running around Michigan, United States of Ameerica [sp] looking for their feet! And this man had no intention of ever living anywhere else! Well. Needless to say, it was with great trepidation that I agreed to venture forth from my brief stay at Torchwood in Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom during threat of a snowstorm in order to catch my ship home. I would be accompanied to my rendezvous location (rendezvous is an Earth term for a time to have sex, though I think I must be missing something in translation, as I did not get to have any sex) by two operatives from Torchwood. They were able to rendezvous quite a lot, so perhaps I should have brought some mistletoe with me. At any rate, along with the rendezvous, there was also quite a bit of snow, which is the main theme of my next chapter.
“Snow”
Snow is a frozen form of rain. Practically speaking, that means it is a squishy solid and falls when it is very cold. It is white, but gets dirty very easily. Earthlings tend to have one of two reactions to snow: some view it with child-like wonder, and some curse it as a damn inconvenience. My two companions from Torchwood fell into the former group, which made my first experience with snow quite delightful.
As we were unsure as to the exact time my ship would be arriving, upon driving several kilometers outside of Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom, we proceeded to set up a tent and start a fire. Earthlings call this camping, which is an Earth term for doing things outside that one would normally do inside. I took the opportunity to question them about snow, as I was worried for their toes. I have transcribed the conversation here. There are many interesting facts about snow contained therein:
ZXF: I would like to take this opportunity to question you about snow.
Button-nosed Torchwood Operative: Of course, Mr. Fil. What would you like to know?
ZXF: Are you in any danger from losing your toes?
Cleft-chinned Torchwood Operative: I will guard Ianto’s toes with my very life.
ZXF: What about your toes? Are they in any danger?
B-nTO: Jack can grow his toes back.
ZXF: That is quite fascinating! Would you be willing to demonstrate?
C-cTO: Perhaps at a later time.
ZXF: Very good.
At this point in the conversation, the first few snowflakes began to fall.
ZXF: How is it that snow falls in tiny flakes like this instead of in balls? I have seen several moving pictograms of snowy scenes on Earth, and the snow falls from the sky in clumps and snuggles the land like a blanket.
B-nTO: We call those “cartoons” and they appear like that because people are drawing them and it would be too much work to draw each flake. If enough snow falls, it will look like a blanket when it’s done, though. Right now, the ground is hard enough that the snow will stick and pile up, like a blanket.
ZXF: What are some uses for snow?
C-cTO: I like to catch it on my tongue, like this. You should try it.
This turned into a rather complicated process. The other operative also attempted to demonstrate for me, but the first operative kept covering that one’s tongue with his own. From my earlier research, I divined that this was another way of kissing. It was quite noisy.
ZXF: That is quite noisy.
C-cTO: My humblest apologies. Let’s see, other uses for snow . . . I like to make snowballs and forts, snowangels, write my name in the snow . . .
B-nTO: Perhaps a bit more acceptable, Mr. Fil, would be an activity like skiing. To go skiing, you have to wear special boots and strap on a pair of skis, which are long narrow strips of wood. You push yourself across the snow with poles. Some people go down hills, and others travel across the country-side.
ZXF: Is it fun?
B-nTO: For some. Especially if you have any skill at it.
The snow began to fall much faster now, and I decided to take a walk in it for research purposes, leaving the two operatives to themselves. I discovered that snow, although solid, was very wet. My boots were soon soaked. Thankfully, I do not have any toes, just the fake ones for my disguise, and was in no danger of losing them. I attempted to catch a snowflake on my tongue, and discovered that snow melts very quickly when it does not land on a frozen surface. I returned to the tent and further discovered that snow shares some properties with mistletoe! The two Torchwood operatives were actively engaged in the process of sex. They were probably unaware that my species can see heat signatures. The Button-nosed one was draped over the back of the Cleft-chinned one, and they were quite firmly fused together. As I watched, they achieved sex!
Their heat signatures were quite high, which leads me to believe that the cold of snow can be combated with sex. I took an hour or so to transcribe my notes for this publication before joining them in the tent. Neither issued an invitation to have sex with me. I think the Cleft-chinned one would have offered to share, but his hands were full with the sleeping Button-nosed one, so I contented myself with waiting for my ship in silence.
The next morning, we discovered to our mutual delight that the snow had indeed snuggled the land in a blanket! My ship landed soon after sunrise, but we still had time to create “snowangels” (made by lying on one’s back in the snow and dragging one’s arms and legs through the snow), snowballs and a fort (for use in an impromptu battle - but for fun, not violence), and we also created a snow sculpture of my species in our natural form. I learned that wet snow can be molded, and powdery snow is good for skiing. Since this was wet snow, as a special gift to the Torchwood operatives, I created a sculpture of them achieving sex. The Cleft-chinned one especially liked it, and the Button-nosed one turned bright red. I was happy to warm him up, as I was still a little worried about his toes.
I have every intention of working with Torchwood in the future to discover more about Earthlings and their planet. There are lots more weather phenomena to explore, for example, and I am curious as to what will join mistletoe and snow as triggers for sex.
quietly pirouetting in on
silver-toed slippers of snow
and we, we were children once again
-Bill Morgan, Jr.
“An Exploration of Earth Weather: Things Fall from the Sky”
Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya (Earth Alias = Fred Fil)
[Translation by Toshiko Sato]
Of all the things one must get used to when travelling the Earth, its bizarre weather patterns are up there at the top of the list. On my home planet of Z’Xil, plants and aliens alike are watered through geysers that burst forth from the crust of the planet on regular intervals. Earth is very confusing, as their geysers do not produce water one would want to drink; their drinking water sources are replenished by “rain” that falls from the sky (rain is an Earth term for water that must travel hundreds of kilometers through the air to reach the ground). And apparently, Earth’s air is so dirty, the rain that falls into bodies of water on Earth must then be purified (Earth term for a cleaning technique performed by machines - do not attempt this at home - see “Blood Should Not Go There: A Guide to Earth Technology” by Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya for further proof).
Perhaps the most unusual aspect of Earth’s weather is its extreme unpredictability. Earthlings, in fact, take pride in living in the most disagreeable climates. In my travels, I met an old man from Michigan, United States of Ameerica [sp] who proudly told me that he had lost two toes in freak snowstorms that came from nowhere. There are two toes running around Michigan, United States of Ameerica [sp] looking for their feet! And this man had no intention of ever living anywhere else! Well. Needless to say, it was with great trepidation that I agreed to venture forth from my brief stay at Torchwood in Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom during threat of a snowstorm in order to catch my ship home. I would be accompanied to my rendezvous location (rendezvous is an Earth term for a time to have sex, though I think I must be missing something in translation, as I did not get to have any sex) by two operatives from Torchwood. They were able to rendezvous quite a lot, so perhaps I should have brought some mistletoe with me. At any rate, along with the rendezvous, there was also quite a bit of snow, which is the main theme of my next chapter.
“Snow”
Snow is a frozen form of rain. Practically speaking, that means it is a squishy solid and falls when it is very cold. It is white, but gets dirty very easily. Earthlings tend to have one of two reactions to snow: some view it with child-like wonder, and some curse it as a damn inconvenience. My two companions from Torchwood fell into the former group, which made my first experience with snow quite delightful.
As we were unsure as to the exact time my ship would be arriving, upon driving several kilometers outside of Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom, we proceeded to set up a tent and start a fire. Earthlings call this camping, which is an Earth term for doing things outside that one would normally do inside. I took the opportunity to question them about snow, as I was worried for their toes. I have transcribed the conversation here. There are many interesting facts about snow contained therein:
ZXF: I would like to take this opportunity to question you about snow.
Button-nosed Torchwood Operative: Of course, Mr. Fil. What would you like to know?
ZXF: Are you in any danger from losing your toes?
Cleft-chinned Torchwood Operative: I will guard Ianto’s toes with my very life.
ZXF: What about your toes? Are they in any danger?
B-nTO: Jack can grow his toes back.
ZXF: That is quite fascinating! Would you be willing to demonstrate?
C-cTO: Perhaps at a later time.
ZXF: Very good.
At this point in the conversation, the first few snowflakes began to fall.
ZXF: How is it that snow falls in tiny flakes like this instead of in balls? I have seen several moving pictograms of snowy scenes on Earth, and the snow falls from the sky in clumps and snuggles the land like a blanket.
B-nTO: We call those “cartoons” and they appear like that because people are drawing them and it would be too much work to draw each flake. If enough snow falls, it will look like a blanket when it’s done, though. Right now, the ground is hard enough that the snow will stick and pile up, like a blanket.
ZXF: What are some uses for snow?
C-cTO: I like to catch it on my tongue, like this. You should try it.
This turned into a rather complicated process. The other operative also attempted to demonstrate for me, but the first operative kept covering that one’s tongue with his own. From my earlier research, I divined that this was another way of kissing. It was quite noisy.
ZXF: That is quite noisy.
C-cTO: My humblest apologies. Let’s see, other uses for snow . . . I like to make snowballs and forts, snowangels, write my name in the snow . . .
B-nTO: Perhaps a bit more acceptable, Mr. Fil, would be an activity like skiing. To go skiing, you have to wear special boots and strap on a pair of skis, which are long narrow strips of wood. You push yourself across the snow with poles. Some people go down hills, and others travel across the country-side.
ZXF: Is it fun?
B-nTO: For some. Especially if you have any skill at it.
The snow began to fall much faster now, and I decided to take a walk in it for research purposes, leaving the two operatives to themselves. I discovered that snow, although solid, was very wet. My boots were soon soaked. Thankfully, I do not have any toes, just the fake ones for my disguise, and was in no danger of losing them. I attempted to catch a snowflake on my tongue, and discovered that snow melts very quickly when it does not land on a frozen surface. I returned to the tent and further discovered that snow shares some properties with mistletoe! The two Torchwood operatives were actively engaged in the process of sex. They were probably unaware that my species can see heat signatures. The Button-nosed one was draped over the back of the Cleft-chinned one, and they were quite firmly fused together. As I watched, they achieved sex!
Their heat signatures were quite high, which leads me to believe that the cold of snow can be combated with sex. I took an hour or so to transcribe my notes for this publication before joining them in the tent. Neither issued an invitation to have sex with me. I think the Cleft-chinned one would have offered to share, but his hands were full with the sleeping Button-nosed one, so I contented myself with waiting for my ship in silence.
The next morning, we discovered to our mutual delight that the snow had indeed snuggled the land in a blanket! My ship landed soon after sunrise, but we still had time to create “snowangels” (made by lying on one’s back in the snow and dragging one’s arms and legs through the snow), snowballs and a fort (for use in an impromptu battle - but for fun, not violence), and we also created a snow sculpture of my species in our natural form. I learned that wet snow can be molded, and powdery snow is good for skiing. Since this was wet snow, as a special gift to the Torchwood operatives, I created a sculpture of them achieving sex. The Cleft-chinned one especially liked it, and the Button-nosed one turned bright red. I was happy to warm him up, as I was still a little worried about his toes.
I have every intention of working with Torchwood in the future to discover more about Earthlings and their planet. There are lots more weather phenomena to explore, for example, and I am curious as to what will join mistletoe and snow as triggers for sex.