FIC: An Excerpt from “A Guide to Earth’s Botanical Customs”
Title: An Excerpt from “A Guide to Earth’s Botanical Customs” (Red Is My Colour Prompt for Day Twenty-two)
Author: blue_fjords
Rating: PG
Words: 600
Setting: series two
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, OC
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Alien observation of the mistletoe plant
Prompt: a sprig of mistletoe
"A Guide to Earth's Botanical Customs" by Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya (Earth Alias = Fred Fil)
[Translation by Toshiko Sato]
Earthlings have a peculiar relationship with the plant-life of their planet. Many plants are trampled underfoot, and the plants that are valued are oftentimes fed concoctions to get them to grow higher and faster. Take corn, for instance. Corn is a miraculous plant that can serve for the following purposes: food for humans and animals, fuel to power Earthlings’ favorite modes of transportation, and as a delightful syrup that sweetens carbonated beverages. I suppose it is understandable that Earthlings would strive to make the biggest kind of corn possible. The same courtesy is not extended for all plant-life, however. Take, for instance, the plight of the dandelion. This beautiful plant is regarded as a weed (Earth term for mood-altering drug - dandelions always make my mood happy!), and little children yank it from the ground and use their thumbs to deflower the stalks! Many times, they will chant the following while doing this: "Mama had a baby and its head popped off!" Disgusting little tossers (Earth term for someone who likes to throw balls - or dandelion heads).
That being said, there are some plants that are treated with a great deal of respect and reverence by Earthlings. This first chapter shall be dedicated to the most beloved of these, the mistletoe.
"Mistletoe"
Earthlings see the mistletoe as a gateway drug, if you will, to sex (Earth term for fusing bodies together with sweat and, in some instances, a sticky substance called semen). Since sex is so highly-craved by the Earthlings, it is only logical that they would look for help in procuring it. For this, they turn to mistletoe.
The mistletoe is a green, leafy little plant, and sprouts tiny white berries. It lives in host trees, but is not actually part of the tree itself. Warning: do not eat the mistletoe! It will cause diarrhea (Earth term for rapid expulsion of unwanted fecal matter). In spite of these reasons, it is still the Earthlings’ preferred method of ensuring sex. In order to illustrate this, I must turn to a personal recollection.
I had the honor of observing the mistletoe in action one Christmas season ("Christmas" is a confusing Earth term, referring to a baby's birthday and the adventures of a fat man who breaks into houses). I was temporarily stranded in Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom, Europe and was required to check in with the local alien-monitoring organization, Torchwood.
Two members of Torchwood came together underneath a sprig of mistletoe. They soon initiated sex, beginning with frantic kissing (Earth term for using saliva to bind two bodies together). The mistletoe caused the Earthlings to moan and groan in a painful manner, and it appeared that clothing became quite restrictive and uncomfortable at this juncture, as both Earthlings tugged and pulled at each other until they were both completely naked. This was followed by more kissing as each Earthling used their hands and feet to continually stroke the other. At this point, the moans and groans that had sounded painful before changed tone and sounded very pleased. This is when sex was achieved, as both Earthlings became very sticky and fused together.
After achieving its goal, the mistletoe stayed quietly in place, waiting for a chance to cause more sex. Under my careful observation, I was able to document the mistletoe at work twice more during my brief stay at Torchwood. All three times involved the same two members of the organization. Clearly, further research is needed to see if certain Earthlings are immune to the mistletoe.
Author: blue_fjords
Rating: PG
Words: 600
Setting: series two
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, OC
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Alien observation of the mistletoe plant
Prompt: a sprig of mistletoe
"A Guide to Earth's Botanical Customs" by Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya (Earth Alias = Fred Fil)
[Translation by Toshiko Sato]
Earthlings have a peculiar relationship with the plant-life of their planet. Many plants are trampled underfoot, and the plants that are valued are oftentimes fed concoctions to get them to grow higher and faster. Take corn, for instance. Corn is a miraculous plant that can serve for the following purposes: food for humans and animals, fuel to power Earthlings’ favorite modes of transportation, and as a delightful syrup that sweetens carbonated beverages. I suppose it is understandable that Earthlings would strive to make the biggest kind of corn possible. The same courtesy is not extended for all plant-life, however. Take, for instance, the plight of the dandelion. This beautiful plant is regarded as a weed (Earth term for mood-altering drug - dandelions always make my mood happy!), and little children yank it from the ground and use their thumbs to deflower the stalks! Many times, they will chant the following while doing this: "Mama had a baby and its head popped off!" Disgusting little tossers (Earth term for someone who likes to throw balls - or dandelion heads).
That being said, there are some plants that are treated with a great deal of respect and reverence by Earthlings. This first chapter shall be dedicated to the most beloved of these, the mistletoe.
"Mistletoe"
Earthlings see the mistletoe as a gateway drug, if you will, to sex (Earth term for fusing bodies together with sweat and, in some instances, a sticky substance called semen). Since sex is so highly-craved by the Earthlings, it is only logical that they would look for help in procuring it. For this, they turn to mistletoe.
The mistletoe is a green, leafy little plant, and sprouts tiny white berries. It lives in host trees, but is not actually part of the tree itself. Warning: do not eat the mistletoe! It will cause diarrhea (Earth term for rapid expulsion of unwanted fecal matter). In spite of these reasons, it is still the Earthlings’ preferred method of ensuring sex. In order to illustrate this, I must turn to a personal recollection.
I had the honor of observing the mistletoe in action one Christmas season ("Christmas" is a confusing Earth term, referring to a baby's birthday and the adventures of a fat man who breaks into houses). I was temporarily stranded in Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom, Europe and was required to check in with the local alien-monitoring organization, Torchwood.
Two members of Torchwood came together underneath a sprig of mistletoe. They soon initiated sex, beginning with frantic kissing (Earth term for using saliva to bind two bodies together). The mistletoe caused the Earthlings to moan and groan in a painful manner, and it appeared that clothing became quite restrictive and uncomfortable at this juncture, as both Earthlings tugged and pulled at each other until they were both completely naked. This was followed by more kissing as each Earthling used their hands and feet to continually stroke the other. At this point, the moans and groans that had sounded painful before changed tone and sounded very pleased. This is when sex was achieved, as both Earthlings became very sticky and fused together.
After achieving its goal, the mistletoe stayed quietly in place, waiting for a chance to cause more sex. Under my careful observation, I was able to document the mistletoe at work twice more during my brief stay at Torchwood. All three times involved the same two members of the organization. Clearly, further research is needed to see if certain Earthlings are immune to the mistletoe.