FIC: Excerpt from “An Exploration of Earthling Philosophers: George Michael”
Title: Excerpt from “An Exploration of Earthling Philosophers: George Michael”
Author: blue_fjords
Words: 1,300
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, OMC (Fred Fil), Owen, Tosh, Gwen
Disclaimer: I own nothing. That goes for both Torchwood and the oeuvre of George Michael.
Setting: series two, part of the continued observations of alien Fred Fil
Summary: Fred Fil tests out the songs of George Michael on the members of Torchwood in an attempt to get sex. Shockingly enough, this is for the crack, y’all.
A/N: All George Michael songs used in this fic can be found on “Ladies and Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael.” Sadly enough, some songs were hurt in the writing of this fic.
“An Exploration of Earthling Philosophers: George Michael”
Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya (Earth Alias = Fred Fil)
[Translation by Toshiko Sato]
In my travels on Earth, I have come across several fundamental truths about Earthlings. One, sometimes Earthlings say things they do not mean. Two, Earthlings prefer their food with white grains (some are salt and some are sugar). Three, some Earthlings achieve a lot more sex than others. And four, Earthlings need help to make decisions. This is why they rely on the words of mighty philosophers. A “philosopher” is an Earthling with astounding powers of persuasion and eloquence. Some famous sayings of the philosophers include “To thine own self be true” by Shake Speare and “Tough titty to you, but the milk’s still good” by Grand Ma.
In exploring the sayings of Earthling philosophers, I found that many set their words to music in a song. The music actually helps Earthlings to remember exactly what is being said. That way, they do not have to make a decision on their own, but can recall the words of a philosopher and find the proper guidance for their current situation.
I decided to put this theory to test during my time with Torchwood. I visited a store in Cardiff, Wales, UK that sold many philosophical “records.” These “records” are the words of the philosophers set to music, and come stored on things called compact discs, cassettes, albums, 8-tracks, and MPreGs (Earthlings love their variety - you see why it is important to have someone make decisions for them!) [Editorial Note: Fred, I think you may mean “MPG” back there. - TS]. It appears that some philosophers lose popularity over time, so shopkeepers sell their records for next to nothing. Not being an Earthling myself, I already had a decision in mind when I consulted the philosophers. However, for scientific purposes, I decided to use a philosopher to help me with my decision, just like an Earthling. I wanted to save money, though, so I looked through many, many of the cheaper records until I found one that contained songs that I believed would help me with my decision: to finally achieve sex.
The Songs of George Michael
George Michael is obviously a brilliant philosopher because the titles of his songs are very forthright. Earthlings are asked, “What do you want?” all the time. One song clearly provides a decision - “I Want Your Sex!” Again, I say brilliant! (This is Part 2 of George Michael’s quest for sex. Part 1 is called “Fastlove,” which I did not use as the title did not contain sex.)
Now that my initial decision was made, I decided to use the rest of the record to 1.) select a member of Torchwood to achieve sex with me and 2.) persuade that member to achieve sex with me. George Michael’s other songs provided additional encouragement. If I failed, I should give it “One More Try.” I would need “Faith” to be successful. (I was at first confused by the Earthling term “faith” - it is to think something is there that you cannot touch. However, since Earthlings can say one thing while meaning another, it follows that they can also hallucinate things that are not there.)
According to George Michael, it’s possible I wanted to select a “Father Figure.” Luckily, I already knew what a father was, as I have done an extensive amount of research on the Earthling family structure. The father is the Earthling who takes out the garbage and fixes things. At Torchwood there were two fathers: the Button-nosed One and My Translator. I had seen the Button-nosed One achieve sex many times, so approached him first. I played him “I Want Your Sex” and sang along to this bit:
It's playing on my mind
It's dancing on my soul
It's taken so much time
So why don't you just let me go
I'd really like to try
He listened to my offer, but politely declined, citing that he had had a “Hard Day.” I then approached My Translator, and asked her to make a decision to achieve sex with me. I sang along to this bit here to try to influence her decision:
Just look in my eyes
I've waited so long baby
Out in the cold
I can't take much more girl
I'm losing control
However, she also turned me down! [Editorial Note: Sorry about that, Fred! - TS] She said she was interested in “A Different Corner” - here is an example of Earthlings saying things they do not mean. She was not, in fact, interested in achieving sex with a corner, but rather a person. I know this because I asked. If it was possible to achieve sex with a corner, I wanted to know about it.
I consulted my George Michael record again. I should approach the “Star People” next. This was tricky, as a star is a ball of gas burning in the air thousands of kilometers from Earth. However, Earthlings also call a person a star if they smile a lot. There are two “Star People” at Torchwood (the Cleft-chinned One and the Eye-lined One), and again, I decided to start with the one I had seen achieve a lot of sex. I played my chosen song for him and sang this bit:
What's your definition of dirty baby
What do you consider pornography
Don't you know I love it till it hurts me baby
Don't you think it's time you had sex with me
He seriously considered it, but then told me that he was “Too Funky” for my first achievement. I was a little disappointed, but he encouraged me to keep trying, saying that surely someone was “Waiting for That Day.”
I turned to the Eye-lined One, but she shook her head in spite of this bit from the song:
Sex is something that we should do
Sex is something for me and you
She told me that she already had “Somebody to Love” and she prefers to achieve sex with him.
Well! I was now seriously at a loss and thinking that no one in Torchwood would want to achieve sex with me! I was even starting to doubt the brilliance of George Michael! That is when the last member of Torchwood, the Squinty One, approached me. He explained that I had the correct music, but the incorrect setting. Aha! If I didn’t want to wind up “Kissing a Fool,” I would have to go “Outside.” He told me that he would have gladly achieved sex with me, seeing as how I was so persuasive, but because of a tragic accident, he could no longer achieve sex at all. This was very upsetting news! He said not to worry, however; he would take me to a place where I could find a little “Freedom.”
I said my goodbyes to the other members of Torchwood (and discovered yet again that Earthlings say things they do not mean quite frequently, as his “Hard Day” was not preventing the Button-nosed One from loudly achieving sex with the Cleft-chinned One when I went to their room).
The Squinty One took me to a club, where Earthlings go to drink yummy drinks and dance to the songs of the philosophers. I drank many yummy drinks and played my George Michael songs to many Earthlings. Further scientific research will have to be done on the achievement of sex, though. I am not sure I did it correctly. An Earthling agreed to achieve sex with me, so I fused our bodies together and yelled “Ianto!” when I achieved sex, but the Earthling did not look pleased. The Button-nosed One always looks pleased when this happens. I must return to Torchwood and discuss this with the Cleft-chinned One.
Regardless of the outcome, I am grateful to the brilliant philosopher George Michael, as his songs helped me to “Heal the Pain” of not achieving sex.
Author: blue_fjords
Words: 1,300
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, OMC (Fred Fil), Owen, Tosh, Gwen
Disclaimer: I own nothing. That goes for both Torchwood and the oeuvre of George Michael.
Setting: series two, part of the continued observations of alien Fred Fil
Summary: Fred Fil tests out the songs of George Michael on the members of Torchwood in an attempt to get sex. Shockingly enough, this is for the crack, y’all.
A/N: All George Michael songs used in this fic can be found on “Ladies and Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael.” Sadly enough, some songs were hurt in the writing of this fic.
“An Exploration of Earthling Philosophers: George Michael”
Zavakstic X. Fil'oomneya (Earth Alias = Fred Fil)
[Translation by Toshiko Sato]
In my travels on Earth, I have come across several fundamental truths about Earthlings. One, sometimes Earthlings say things they do not mean. Two, Earthlings prefer their food with white grains (some are salt and some are sugar). Three, some Earthlings achieve a lot more sex than others. And four, Earthlings need help to make decisions. This is why they rely on the words of mighty philosophers. A “philosopher” is an Earthling with astounding powers of persuasion and eloquence. Some famous sayings of the philosophers include “To thine own self be true” by Shake Speare and “Tough titty to you, but the milk’s still good” by Grand Ma.
In exploring the sayings of Earthling philosophers, I found that many set their words to music in a song. The music actually helps Earthlings to remember exactly what is being said. That way, they do not have to make a decision on their own, but can recall the words of a philosopher and find the proper guidance for their current situation.
I decided to put this theory to test during my time with Torchwood. I visited a store in Cardiff, Wales, UK that sold many philosophical “records.” These “records” are the words of the philosophers set to music, and come stored on things called compact discs, cassettes, albums, 8-tracks, and MPreGs (Earthlings love their variety - you see why it is important to have someone make decisions for them!) [Editorial Note: Fred, I think you may mean “MPG” back there. - TS]. It appears that some philosophers lose popularity over time, so shopkeepers sell their records for next to nothing. Not being an Earthling myself, I already had a decision in mind when I consulted the philosophers. However, for scientific purposes, I decided to use a philosopher to help me with my decision, just like an Earthling. I wanted to save money, though, so I looked through many, many of the cheaper records until I found one that contained songs that I believed would help me with my decision: to finally achieve sex.
The Songs of George Michael
George Michael is obviously a brilliant philosopher because the titles of his songs are very forthright. Earthlings are asked, “What do you want?” all the time. One song clearly provides a decision - “I Want Your Sex!” Again, I say brilliant! (This is Part 2 of George Michael’s quest for sex. Part 1 is called “Fastlove,” which I did not use as the title did not contain sex.)
Now that my initial decision was made, I decided to use the rest of the record to 1.) select a member of Torchwood to achieve sex with me and 2.) persuade that member to achieve sex with me. George Michael’s other songs provided additional encouragement. If I failed, I should give it “One More Try.” I would need “Faith” to be successful. (I was at first confused by the Earthling term “faith” - it is to think something is there that you cannot touch. However, since Earthlings can say one thing while meaning another, it follows that they can also hallucinate things that are not there.)
According to George Michael, it’s possible I wanted to select a “Father Figure.” Luckily, I already knew what a father was, as I have done an extensive amount of research on the Earthling family structure. The father is the Earthling who takes out the garbage and fixes things. At Torchwood there were two fathers: the Button-nosed One and My Translator. I had seen the Button-nosed One achieve sex many times, so approached him first. I played him “I Want Your Sex” and sang along to this bit:
It's playing on my mind
It's dancing on my soul
It's taken so much time
So why don't you just let me go
I'd really like to try
He listened to my offer, but politely declined, citing that he had had a “Hard Day.” I then approached My Translator, and asked her to make a decision to achieve sex with me. I sang along to this bit here to try to influence her decision:
Just look in my eyes
I've waited so long baby
Out in the cold
I can't take much more girl
I'm losing control
However, she also turned me down! [Editorial Note: Sorry about that, Fred! - TS] She said she was interested in “A Different Corner” - here is an example of Earthlings saying things they do not mean. She was not, in fact, interested in achieving sex with a corner, but rather a person. I know this because I asked. If it was possible to achieve sex with a corner, I wanted to know about it.
I consulted my George Michael record again. I should approach the “Star People” next. This was tricky, as a star is a ball of gas burning in the air thousands of kilometers from Earth. However, Earthlings also call a person a star if they smile a lot. There are two “Star People” at Torchwood (the Cleft-chinned One and the Eye-lined One), and again, I decided to start with the one I had seen achieve a lot of sex. I played my chosen song for him and sang this bit:
What's your definition of dirty baby
What do you consider pornography
Don't you know I love it till it hurts me baby
Don't you think it's time you had sex with me
He seriously considered it, but then told me that he was “Too Funky” for my first achievement. I was a little disappointed, but he encouraged me to keep trying, saying that surely someone was “Waiting for That Day.”
I turned to the Eye-lined One, but she shook her head in spite of this bit from the song:
Sex is something that we should do
Sex is something for me and you
She told me that she already had “Somebody to Love” and she prefers to achieve sex with him.
Well! I was now seriously at a loss and thinking that no one in Torchwood would want to achieve sex with me! I was even starting to doubt the brilliance of George Michael! That is when the last member of Torchwood, the Squinty One, approached me. He explained that I had the correct music, but the incorrect setting. Aha! If I didn’t want to wind up “Kissing a Fool,” I would have to go “Outside.” He told me that he would have gladly achieved sex with me, seeing as how I was so persuasive, but because of a tragic accident, he could no longer achieve sex at all. This was very upsetting news! He said not to worry, however; he would take me to a place where I could find a little “Freedom.”
I said my goodbyes to the other members of Torchwood (and discovered yet again that Earthlings say things they do not mean quite frequently, as his “Hard Day” was not preventing the Button-nosed One from loudly achieving sex with the Cleft-chinned One when I went to their room).
The Squinty One took me to a club, where Earthlings go to drink yummy drinks and dance to the songs of the philosophers. I drank many yummy drinks and played my George Michael songs to many Earthlings. Further scientific research will have to be done on the achievement of sex, though. I am not sure I did it correctly. An Earthling agreed to achieve sex with me, so I fused our bodies together and yelled “Ianto!” when I achieved sex, but the Earthling did not look pleased. The Button-nosed One always looks pleased when this happens. I must return to Torchwood and discuss this with the Cleft-chinned One.
Regardless of the outcome, I am grateful to the brilliant philosopher George Michael, as his songs helped me to “Heal the Pain” of not achieving sex.