What if
What if I can't trust anymore? What if I impose my mistrust of intimacy on the next person? I mean, from what I hear I had a reason to mistrust Dan. And I did mistrust him but I needed him more than I didn't trust him so I believed my own little truth. The real truth would've hurt hurt too much at the time.
If someone tells me they want to be with me, how do I know they really do? How do I know it's not just for sex? If someone says they love me, should I believe them? The first time Dan told me he loved me he had already stood me up for the evening and then I saw him cruise through town with his supposedly ex-girlfriend in his car and the man had the audacity to wave! That takes some serious balls, ya gotta give him that. I was pissed. I went home and he showed up. I tried to ignore him but what the heck was it that ultimately made me let him in? I even saw a hotel receipt from a night he spent with her, which he subsequently denied of course (yes, he got her a room but he didn't stay. huh???), and I still held onto him. Did I find myself that unworthy of someone more worthy?
So when someone new doesn't call or doesn't text am I going to wonder who they're with or what they're doing? I don't like insecure people so why on earth am I becoming one? It scares me to turn into something I loathe. I don't want to be the girlfriend who stalks her boyfriend to see what he's doing or who he's with. I have better things to do with my time! Say nothing about the stress that can cause I'm sure. I've never been a stalker but I'm sure there's a lot of anxiety there. And what if I see him talking to another girl? Am I going to automatically assume that he's cheating? This is SO NOT me! But now that I've become this person can I go back to the person I was? Or am I going to be psyco-girlfriend???
If someone tells me they want to be with me, how do I know they really do? How do I know it's not just for sex? If someone says they love me, should I believe them? The first time Dan told me he loved me he had already stood me up for the evening and then I saw him cruise through town with his supposedly ex-girlfriend in his car and the man had the audacity to wave! That takes some serious balls, ya gotta give him that. I was pissed. I went home and he showed up. I tried to ignore him but what the heck was it that ultimately made me let him in? I even saw a hotel receipt from a night he spent with her, which he subsequently denied of course (yes, he got her a room but he didn't stay. huh???), and I still held onto him. Did I find myself that unworthy of someone more worthy?
So when someone new doesn't call or doesn't text am I going to wonder who they're with or what they're doing? I don't like insecure people so why on earth am I becoming one? It scares me to turn into something I loathe. I don't want to be the girlfriend who stalks her boyfriend to see what he's doing or who he's with. I have better things to do with my time! Say nothing about the stress that can cause I'm sure. I've never been a stalker but I'm sure there's a lot of anxiety there. And what if I see him talking to another girl? Am I going to automatically assume that he's cheating? This is SO NOT me! But now that I've become this person can I go back to the person I was? Or am I going to be psyco-girlfriend???