(no subject)

Oct 18, 2005 15:13

I really dont know whats wrong with me. How many times have I started an entry like that? But really, I dont know whats up with me inside. one second im fine and the next Im depressed. I think it has something to do with the fact that i hate myself. Everyone that I have hated in high schools right. Im a peice of shit. Nothing in my life has really been worth having except for rachael. But shes not here anymore. I have to fend on my own and be my own person. I think that all the people that i have offended and told that they are conformist, I was wrong. Im a conformist. I pretend I know what im saying and doing and in reality Im some fucking joke. I go to a community college. Im majoring in History and Im a lost cause. I have followed people since I entered high school and mimicked all who I enjoyed being around. Sometimes I wish that I wasnt around anymore. I wish that I could have the courage to just move to Boston and cook for the rest of my life, instead of worrying about being poor. Im always going to be poor. And whats saddens me the most, is everyone is right. I fought so hard because I was blind, and fought so hard because I didnt want it to be true. In reality, Im just a big asshole. A fucking asshole. I dress all different to make a statment that doesnt need to be made. I march for a cause that doesnt exist. I march to a beat of a drummer that doesnt exist but only in my head. Im a fraud. A nobody. And i need to stop living in this fantasy world were i exist. because in real life, dreams dont come true, they just become deferred.
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