(no subject)
this post is long. and explicit.
I was giving you the time. I was giving you the time to build trust. I was being your lover, and I thought you were being mine, because that's what it would take to build trust with me. it would take being my girlfriend for a long time without breaking up with me. I told you you couldn't break up with me again. you said you wouldn't. I told you it was okay for you to be crazy, but not okay for you to take it out on me. if you could be crazy, but stay on my side. stay with me. and let me stay with you. then we could maybe be happy together. but you can't because you don't actually love me. you aren't excited to see me, and you don't make time for me. you push me away, when being in love with someone means that you can't keep yourself away from them no matter how hard you try.
This is what I was going to do:
go up to your bedroom, shut the door. tell you this: "we aren't going to talk about it. because you don't want to talk about it. tonight I'm just going to dominate you." tell you that you aren't allowed to speak unless spoken to. tell you that you may call me "sir" if you desire, because sometimes you call me that, and sometimes I like it. but you will never call me master. tell you that there's no need for a safeword tonight, because we aren't going to take it that far. and besides, I'll know if you really want me to stop. you can trust me. get your camera. put some film in it, if you didn't already have any. tell you to take off your clothes, one at a time, and pose for me, until you're completely naked. remember that time you put on your mini skirt to tease me? and walked around the place as seductively as you could? pose for me like that. and then, when the roll of film is spent, take it out and tell you that you've got one week to get it developed. you can take it to any pharmacy you please, but you've got to hand it over in person, and collect it in person too. tell you to take my clothes off. one at a time. and do it in a way that you know I'll have an erection by the time they're off. tell you that you once told me that you really like sucking dick, and ask you why the hell you never do it if you like it so much. challenge you to make me come with your mouth. grab your hair while I stand there, and lift you up onto your tiptoes. tell you that you're doing it all wrong. throw you on the bed, and fuck you from behind. spank your left ass cheek, a bit harder each time. tell you how to suck cock: it doesn't matter how deep you go if you do it slow. show you how to do it right. put your hands on my ass, and tell you to force your mouth onto my dick, hard, and fast...
maybe some other things. afterwards, I was going to take you to the shower and kiss you a million times while I cleaned your skin. and then we would go back to the bed and talk.
but none of that matters, because you wanted to talk to me at the library and then go bowling with four men who are in love with you, while I rode my motorcycle home in the cold for forty miles. your tumblr has disappeared. maybe that means you won't come looking here. but maybe you will. so I will leave this message here for you. caitlin, or katelyn, or however she spells it, is crazy. obviously. and her tone is vicious, too. but she's not wrong. you surround yourself with men who are in love with you, or at the very least desire you. you cultivate their desires. here, some words from a person you once called a friend:
(10/23)
Christopher
that's pretty crazy, kathy
I don't know what to tell you
Kathy
me either, my brain says to quit doing this
Christopher
yeah.
I'll bet your friends say that too.
Kathy
every single one
Christopher
that's what my friends tell me about katrina.
Kathy
i'd tell you that too
Christopher
yeah
it's like
she doesn't really care about me.
Kathy
i think she does actually
but not more than she cares about herself
and cares about being an object of desire for many men
i don't have the best opinion of her right now, i don't know if i should be sharing it with you
Christopher
yeah, well
I told her never to talk to me ever again
so I don't think it matters.
Kathy
well
thats good i think
Christopher
it doesn't feel good.
but it does seem like the best thing.
Kathy
i don't think it makes sense right now but i think it will in time
Christopher
I don't know about that.
Kathy
that's how i feel too
Christopher
I think in time I will forget all of the details and just be left with the feelings.
I just wish I could understand
Kathy
yeah
understand what?
Christopher
she seems to think that she can't be with me for some reason, even though she says she's in love with me. but what is the reason?
Kathy
well if you want me to be frank i don't think she's in love with you
i think she loves you and cares about you but she's not in love
it's basically impossible to take yourself away from the person you love even if they are doing terrible things to you
so i don't know what could make her say something like that unless it is simply not true
Christopher
yeah.
Kathy
it's also because i see the way she pursues attention from other people
that's not what you do when you're in love
Christopher
I guess not. I mean, it's not what I do.
Kathy
it's not what i do
eric had to sit me down after me and my ex boyfriend broke up, not joe a different one
and i was letting my ex walk all over me
and eric took me out and sat me down and said
this is not what you do when you love someone. someone who loves you would not do this to you
this time it was mike petcher, who i don't talk to anymore what so ever
called me after he heard about me finding joe with another woman
and he tried his best to convince me that it was the focus in me it was my own habits that are keeping me in this
i don't know how to quit - i will work hard for as long as i can stand it regardless of if joe deserves it because that is my nature
and begged me to realize he was not earning that love
Christopher
yeah.
he's right.
Kathy
i could say the same for you
Christopher
okay
thank you.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
another conversation, which took place on tuesday, before I went to see you:
CHRISTOPHER.
Katrina wants me to be dominant in sex. She's not as kinky as Anne was. But I'm still upset about it. I don't know what to do.
AMELIA
Tell her you want her to be more dominant . I could give you some tips there. see what she says to that . If that is not her cup of tea you could read fifty shades of grey and add in some verbal dominanace . Most people like that.
CHRISTOPHER
I don't want to read that trash. She read some of it, and then stopped cause it was so awful.
I can't do that anyway. It's like lying. I just don't think I would enjoy sex at all if I were playing that kind of role. I'd probably go soft.
AMELIA
Okay well take that part out add in some better erotica and that's my advice
CHRISTOPHER
Thanks
AMELIA
Well do you like biting or scratches or slapping or verbal commands ?
That way you could let her be dominant and see if she likes it .
Talking about sex is also fun . Like building the anticipation before you do it
CHRISTOPHER
All of these things you are saying are good advice.
But not really helpful to me right now. She doesn't want to dominate. I don't care about power. I dont identify with people who do. they're the jerks and assholes I've hated my whole life.
AMELIA
Hmm well you could talk about it anyway. Just to see. I don't think being dominated in bed automatically makes a dude an asshole . . .adding some commands that tell her to be in charge might turn her on. Either way You should talk about it as foreplay. All the world is a stage and everything could be foreplay foreplay.
CHRISTOPHER
We talked about it a little bit, and we're going to talk about it more. I just dont think it's going to turn out well. And I still believe that dominant types are assholes. You know the expression "lone wolf" is based on real observed social behaviors in wolves. It's an animal that leaves the pack because he doesn't or can't dominate the alpha, but won't submit either. That's me. I'm just not interested in power. and I hate those who are, because I find them abusive
And I want my woman to be strong and independent too. I want her to respect and love me, but I want to be proud of her, and I find it hard to be proud of someone who is submissive.
AMELIA
There is a difference between being dominant and being aggressive. If you tell her what you want that is dominant but not at all aggressive and see how she responds
CHRISTOPHER
There's a difference between being assertive and aggressive. But I don't think there is a difference between dominance and aggression. People who want to be dominated need more than that.
AMELIA
And then that way she can feel dominated because she is performing but not submissive because you are letting her choose slash being vulnerable to her. It's all subtle psychology
CHRISTOPHER
But it's not subtle. Submissives are not at all subtle. They want to be truly controlled, overpowered, without any control
AMELIA
Yeah well offer what you can then suggest a threesome, lol jk
CHRISTOPHER
I'm just sad. How's your love life?
AMELIA
I think it depends. What you probably want is a switch. most couples are switches I think it's more interesting
my sex life is great.
CHRISTOPHER
Switch isn't the right word, either. A switch is someone who needs control sometimes and needs to be controlled others. I just want someone who likes sex, is passionate about sex, and wants to have sex with me. The problem is most people like that are ugly.
And anyway I'm in love with Katrina, and she's in love with me. So I'm not looking for someone new.
It just makes me feel like she doesn't think I'm manly enough.
And that's just fucked up
Like she doesn't think I'm sexy.
There are lots of women in the world that I could please sexually. She just isn't one of them
I don't know why it's making me so upset.
AMELIA
Listen I charge fifty bucks for a half hour couples sex therapy
it would make anyone upset
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and here's a different conversation which took place on wednesday, after:
CHRISTOPHER
This girl I've been in love with had been fucking with my heart since May, stringing me along, telling me she loves me and then breaking up with me over and over again. I finally told her never to talk to me again. A few days later she called me, left me messages, told me she wouldn't stop calling. Told me she couldn't stop being in love with me. I said, you don't want to be in a relationship with me. She said she did. I said, you'll feel differently in a week.
A couple nights ago I visited her and we had sex. She told me afterwards that she didn't like the way we do it. She wants to be dominated. I always knew that, but never acted on it, because I don't really want to dominate anyone. I want my woman to like having sex with me, and do it for that. Because she thinks I'm sexy, and because she cares about me. Also, I hate people who are dominant in other aspects of life. I despise that so much that I find it hard to imagine myself doing that sort of thing, even if it's just playing a role. It was really upsetting to me, just thinking about it for the two days since she told me that. I know how important good sex is. I know how much better our relationship could be if I was able to do this for her. [ed: and how much worse our relationship would be if it turned out that I wasn't able to.] I know enough about D/s already, but I decided to Google it anyhow. I wanted to know if they all recommend that you just split up and find a more compatible partner, or if there were other options. I found this post called "so your girlfriend wants you to dominate her" [http://domwithpen.tumblr.com/post/33347654132/so-your-girlfriend-wants-you-to-dominate-her] and it said all the shit I already knew. It also said, "dude. You're going to love it. Are you telling me you wouldn't want to see your girl on her knees looking up at you and begging, "please fuck me, sir." ?!
Well, yes. I wouldn't want that. I want my girl to be strong and independent and never to submit to anyone. And if she wants to kneel and beg for sex, that's fine, but I don't want to force her. I'm not going to change the way I treat her. That's how I feel about it.
But I decided to try it anyway. While I was waiting for her to get off work I planned a night of dominating her. I bought condoms, a roll of film, knew exactly what I was going to do. I was actually pretty excited about it. I thought it might work. Because I tried to do it in a way that wouldn't go against my nature too much, or hers. I thought I might even enjoy it. [http://thinkingdom.the-iron-gate.com/essays/132 "Give her instructions to do things that excite or arouse you."]
But things didn't go according to plan. I don't know how it might have happened if I had managed to get in her door, but she tried to meet me in town instead. And she said she was going to go bowling with her friends later.
So I was upset, because first of all, I had driven my motorcycle in the cold for miles, and waited around the library for hours, and we really needed to talk about this shit, and here she was blowing me off. To go bowling, with her friends, who she sees way more often than she sees me, and all of them are in love with her anyway.
I don't know. We had a big fight. I'm not sure if I should even talk to her anymore.
RACHEL
Well. That's quite a shitstorm. If she's continually blowing you off, that's a bad sign. If you really love someone, you make time for them and are excited to spend time with them. Kinda end of story, there. As for the sex stuff, it's good you're willing to go out of your comfort zone. Dominating someone doesn't have to mean making them crawl around on their knees or beg. A little roughness, proper use of force, and a hand/forearm around the neck can go a long way without the totally demeaning aspect of d/s. But it doesnt really sound like she's on your level.
I was giving you the time. I was giving you the time to build trust. I was being your lover, and I thought you were being mine, because that's what it would take to build trust with me. it would take being my girlfriend for a long time without breaking up with me. I told you you couldn't break up with me again. you said you wouldn't. I told you it was okay for you to be crazy, but not okay for you to take it out on me. if you could be crazy, but stay on my side. stay with me. and let me stay with you. then we could maybe be happy together. but you can't because you don't actually love me. you aren't excited to see me, and you don't make time for me. you push me away, when being in love with someone means that you can't keep yourself away from them no matter how hard you try.
This is what I was going to do:
go up to your bedroom, shut the door. tell you this: "we aren't going to talk about it. because you don't want to talk about it. tonight I'm just going to dominate you." tell you that you aren't allowed to speak unless spoken to. tell you that you may call me "sir" if you desire, because sometimes you call me that, and sometimes I like it. but you will never call me master. tell you that there's no need for a safeword tonight, because we aren't going to take it that far. and besides, I'll know if you really want me to stop. you can trust me. get your camera. put some film in it, if you didn't already have any. tell you to take off your clothes, one at a time, and pose for me, until you're completely naked. remember that time you put on your mini skirt to tease me? and walked around the place as seductively as you could? pose for me like that. and then, when the roll of film is spent, take it out and tell you that you've got one week to get it developed. you can take it to any pharmacy you please, but you've got to hand it over in person, and collect it in person too. tell you to take my clothes off. one at a time. and do it in a way that you know I'll have an erection by the time they're off. tell you that you once told me that you really like sucking dick, and ask you why the hell you never do it if you like it so much. challenge you to make me come with your mouth. grab your hair while I stand there, and lift you up onto your tiptoes. tell you that you're doing it all wrong. throw you on the bed, and fuck you from behind. spank your left ass cheek, a bit harder each time. tell you how to suck cock: it doesn't matter how deep you go if you do it slow. show you how to do it right. put your hands on my ass, and tell you to force your mouth onto my dick, hard, and fast...
maybe some other things. afterwards, I was going to take you to the shower and kiss you a million times while I cleaned your skin. and then we would go back to the bed and talk.
but none of that matters, because you wanted to talk to me at the library and then go bowling with four men who are in love with you, while I rode my motorcycle home in the cold for forty miles. your tumblr has disappeared. maybe that means you won't come looking here. but maybe you will. so I will leave this message here for you. caitlin, or katelyn, or however she spells it, is crazy. obviously. and her tone is vicious, too. but she's not wrong. you surround yourself with men who are in love with you, or at the very least desire you. you cultivate their desires. here, some words from a person you once called a friend:
(10/23)
Christopher
that's pretty crazy, kathy
I don't know what to tell you
Kathy
me either, my brain says to quit doing this
Christopher
yeah.
I'll bet your friends say that too.
Kathy
every single one
Christopher
that's what my friends tell me about katrina.
Kathy
i'd tell you that too
Christopher
yeah
it's like
she doesn't really care about me.
Kathy
i think she does actually
but not more than she cares about herself
and cares about being an object of desire for many men
i don't have the best opinion of her right now, i don't know if i should be sharing it with you
Christopher
yeah, well
I told her never to talk to me ever again
so I don't think it matters.
Kathy
well
thats good i think
Christopher
it doesn't feel good.
but it does seem like the best thing.
Kathy
i don't think it makes sense right now but i think it will in time
Christopher
I don't know about that.
Kathy
that's how i feel too
Christopher
I think in time I will forget all of the details and just be left with the feelings.
I just wish I could understand
Kathy
yeah
understand what?
Christopher
she seems to think that she can't be with me for some reason, even though she says she's in love with me. but what is the reason?
Kathy
well if you want me to be frank i don't think she's in love with you
i think she loves you and cares about you but she's not in love
it's basically impossible to take yourself away from the person you love even if they are doing terrible things to you
so i don't know what could make her say something like that unless it is simply not true
Christopher
yeah.
Kathy
it's also because i see the way she pursues attention from other people
that's not what you do when you're in love
Christopher
I guess not. I mean, it's not what I do.
Kathy
it's not what i do
eric had to sit me down after me and my ex boyfriend broke up, not joe a different one
and i was letting my ex walk all over me
and eric took me out and sat me down and said
this is not what you do when you love someone. someone who loves you would not do this to you
this time it was mike petcher, who i don't talk to anymore what so ever
called me after he heard about me finding joe with another woman
and he tried his best to convince me that it was the focus in me it was my own habits that are keeping me in this
i don't know how to quit - i will work hard for as long as i can stand it regardless of if joe deserves it because that is my nature
and begged me to realize he was not earning that love
Christopher
yeah.
he's right.
Kathy
i could say the same for you
Christopher
okay
thank you.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
another conversation, which took place on tuesday, before I went to see you:
CHRISTOPHER.
Katrina wants me to be dominant in sex. She's not as kinky as Anne was. But I'm still upset about it. I don't know what to do.
AMELIA
Tell her you want her to be more dominant . I could give you some tips there. see what she says to that . If that is not her cup of tea you could read fifty shades of grey and add in some verbal dominanace . Most people like that.
CHRISTOPHER
I don't want to read that trash. She read some of it, and then stopped cause it was so awful.
I can't do that anyway. It's like lying. I just don't think I would enjoy sex at all if I were playing that kind of role. I'd probably go soft.
AMELIA
Okay well take that part out add in some better erotica and that's my advice
CHRISTOPHER
Thanks
AMELIA
Well do you like biting or scratches or slapping or verbal commands ?
That way you could let her be dominant and see if she likes it .
Talking about sex is also fun . Like building the anticipation before you do it
CHRISTOPHER
All of these things you are saying are good advice.
But not really helpful to me right now. She doesn't want to dominate. I don't care about power. I dont identify with people who do. they're the jerks and assholes I've hated my whole life.
AMELIA
Hmm well you could talk about it anyway. Just to see. I don't think being dominated in bed automatically makes a dude an asshole . . .adding some commands that tell her to be in charge might turn her on. Either way You should talk about it as foreplay. All the world is a stage and everything could be foreplay foreplay.
CHRISTOPHER
We talked about it a little bit, and we're going to talk about it more. I just dont think it's going to turn out well. And I still believe that dominant types are assholes. You know the expression "lone wolf" is based on real observed social behaviors in wolves. It's an animal that leaves the pack because he doesn't or can't dominate the alpha, but won't submit either. That's me. I'm just not interested in power. and I hate those who are, because I find them abusive
And I want my woman to be strong and independent too. I want her to respect and love me, but I want to be proud of her, and I find it hard to be proud of someone who is submissive.
AMELIA
There is a difference between being dominant and being aggressive. If you tell her what you want that is dominant but not at all aggressive and see how she responds
CHRISTOPHER
There's a difference between being assertive and aggressive. But I don't think there is a difference between dominance and aggression. People who want to be dominated need more than that.
AMELIA
And then that way she can feel dominated because she is performing but not submissive because you are letting her choose slash being vulnerable to her. It's all subtle psychology
CHRISTOPHER
But it's not subtle. Submissives are not at all subtle. They want to be truly controlled, overpowered, without any control
AMELIA
Yeah well offer what you can then suggest a threesome, lol jk
CHRISTOPHER
I'm just sad. How's your love life?
AMELIA
I think it depends. What you probably want is a switch. most couples are switches I think it's more interesting
my sex life is great.
CHRISTOPHER
Switch isn't the right word, either. A switch is someone who needs control sometimes and needs to be controlled others. I just want someone who likes sex, is passionate about sex, and wants to have sex with me. The problem is most people like that are ugly.
And anyway I'm in love with Katrina, and she's in love with me. So I'm not looking for someone new.
It just makes me feel like she doesn't think I'm manly enough.
And that's just fucked up
Like she doesn't think I'm sexy.
There are lots of women in the world that I could please sexually. She just isn't one of them
I don't know why it's making me so upset.
AMELIA
Listen I charge fifty bucks for a half hour couples sex therapy
it would make anyone upset
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and here's a different conversation which took place on wednesday, after:
CHRISTOPHER
This girl I've been in love with had been fucking with my heart since May, stringing me along, telling me she loves me and then breaking up with me over and over again. I finally told her never to talk to me again. A few days later she called me, left me messages, told me she wouldn't stop calling. Told me she couldn't stop being in love with me. I said, you don't want to be in a relationship with me. She said she did. I said, you'll feel differently in a week.
A couple nights ago I visited her and we had sex. She told me afterwards that she didn't like the way we do it. She wants to be dominated. I always knew that, but never acted on it, because I don't really want to dominate anyone. I want my woman to like having sex with me, and do it for that. Because she thinks I'm sexy, and because she cares about me. Also, I hate people who are dominant in other aspects of life. I despise that so much that I find it hard to imagine myself doing that sort of thing, even if it's just playing a role. It was really upsetting to me, just thinking about it for the two days since she told me that. I know how important good sex is. I know how much better our relationship could be if I was able to do this for her. [ed: and how much worse our relationship would be if it turned out that I wasn't able to.] I know enough about D/s already, but I decided to Google it anyhow. I wanted to know if they all recommend that you just split up and find a more compatible partner, or if there were other options. I found this post called "so your girlfriend wants you to dominate her" [http://domwithpen.tumblr.com/post/33347654132/so-your-girlfriend-wants-you-to-dominate-her] and it said all the shit I already knew. It also said, "dude. You're going to love it. Are you telling me you wouldn't want to see your girl on her knees looking up at you and begging, "please fuck me, sir." ?!
Well, yes. I wouldn't want that. I want my girl to be strong and independent and never to submit to anyone. And if she wants to kneel and beg for sex, that's fine, but I don't want to force her. I'm not going to change the way I treat her. That's how I feel about it.
But I decided to try it anyway. While I was waiting for her to get off work I planned a night of dominating her. I bought condoms, a roll of film, knew exactly what I was going to do. I was actually pretty excited about it. I thought it might work. Because I tried to do it in a way that wouldn't go against my nature too much, or hers. I thought I might even enjoy it. [http://thinkingdom.the-iron-gate.com/essays/132 "Give her instructions to do things that excite or arouse you."]
But things didn't go according to plan. I don't know how it might have happened if I had managed to get in her door, but she tried to meet me in town instead. And she said she was going to go bowling with her friends later.
So I was upset, because first of all, I had driven my motorcycle in the cold for miles, and waited around the library for hours, and we really needed to talk about this shit, and here she was blowing me off. To go bowling, with her friends, who she sees way more often than she sees me, and all of them are in love with her anyway.
I don't know. We had a big fight. I'm not sure if I should even talk to her anymore.
RACHEL
Well. That's quite a shitstorm. If she's continually blowing you off, that's a bad sign. If you really love someone, you make time for them and are excited to spend time with them. Kinda end of story, there. As for the sex stuff, it's good you're willing to go out of your comfort zone. Dominating someone doesn't have to mean making them crawl around on their knees or beg. A little roughness, proper use of force, and a hand/forearm around the neck can go a long way without the totally demeaning aspect of d/s. But it doesnt really sound like she's on your level.