home...but not...
so yea, i'm home now from portcon and it was awesome and so much fun. i had such a great time with everyone and meeting the new people that i did and making new friends and just being there and having fun and getting to spend more time with RJ before i go to McIntosh this weekend. i'm so nervous. i almost don't want to go. it's all happening too fast. my life is changing in what feels like a big way and i'm nervous and kinda scared and i do really almost not want to leave. it feels too soon. but i know it'll be a good thing in the end. at least..i hope it will. i've never really admitted this to anyone but there's really only one reason why i decided to leave early and that reason isn't completely a definate thing. so much can change in a year, so much can happen, so much can go wrong...but it can also go right. i really hope things go right. i'd really be the happiest person on this planet in the universe in all existence if things go right, if things end up good. god, i'm gonna miss everyone and everything here sooooooooo much. i'm really looking forward to it, it'll be a great time and experience and i know i'll learn so much and have a great time and meet lots of new people and make new friends. i just hate moving so far away from all my other friends and especially from RJ. at times i really just want to not go to college yet and just move up there. but, it's ok cus i know i'll get to see him again a a couple of weeks or so. and i'll be coming back to litchfield whenever i can on the weekends since my classes are monday thru thursday so i'll get to visit and hangout with people every so often. but even still.....i don't want to leave everyone. i want to go to college and travel and go to school for photography at McIntosh. i've grown too comfortable living here. everythings been pretty easy. life has been pretty easy. i want independence and all that. but i want to keep what i have too. arg. oh well. it'll be ok. i'll be ok. as long as i have RJ and all my great friends i can do anything. it's just scary starting something new and big like this that totally changes your life. god, i wish i wasn't leaving so sooon. this is my last week here. it's just to depressing to think about. RJ, we really do need to think of a way to smuggle you down there and hide you in my dorm for the summer lol just kidding.
i just really wish i could get up there to see him just one more time before i leave. grrr, if only i didn't have to work tomorrow. then i could've just gone home with him and the guys and stayed there till wednesday when i have to work again (and it's also my last day working there. 4:30-7pm, feel free to stop by and say hi if you're in town or can get there.) i never can get enough of seeing his beautiful face (he looks like an angel when he sleeps) and being near him, holding his hand, hugging him. PortCon was so wonderful.
*sigh*
arg. i think i'm gonna go to bed now. i'm still tired and worn out from the weekend. i've gotta stop thinking about this and everything else so much. it's not helping my mood. i really don't feel like being depressed my last week here. but i already an getting a bit depressed. grrr. stupid brain. stupid heart. stupid stupid stupid distance.
((why does my heart hurt so much right now? why does it hurt this much? and why won't it stop? hum, i'll be ok tomorrow. but it's always the now that gets me the most.))
i just really wish i could get up there to see him just one more time before i leave. grrr, if only i didn't have to work tomorrow. then i could've just gone home with him and the guys and stayed there till wednesday when i have to work again (and it's also my last day working there. 4:30-7pm, feel free to stop by and say hi if you're in town or can get there.) i never can get enough of seeing his beautiful face (he looks like an angel when he sleeps) and being near him, holding his hand, hugging him. PortCon was so wonderful.
*sigh*
arg. i think i'm gonna go to bed now. i'm still tired and worn out from the weekend. i've gotta stop thinking about this and everything else so much. it's not helping my mood. i really don't feel like being depressed my last week here. but i already an getting a bit depressed. grrr. stupid brain. stupid heart. stupid stupid stupid distance.
((why does my heart hurt so much right now? why does it hurt this much? and why won't it stop? hum, i'll be ok tomorrow. but it's always the now that gets me the most.))