There's No Beauty In Bleeding Mascara...
So, can I just say that as much as things seem to have fallen apart so much in the past year, I feel like everything/everyone is slowly recuperating. I guess this is a completely random statement to most, since the extent of the past year or so is basically unknown...It's just like, everything that could possibly go wrong did. Everything from my parents (all 3 of them lol), to my friends, to my "relationships", to just me. All of it was SO incredibly fucked over. I could very easily go into excruciating detail, but I will do my best to avoid that.
What I am trying to say is that I really feel like things are kind of starting to come back together. Like, I have always tried to forgive everyone for shit (logically of course) But it has always been one of the hardest things, especially when it comes to my parents. My real Dad specifically, but my mom included as well. I respect my mom so much more now, and I really have let go of most of the stupid shit I have been holding on to.
The biggest thing though, is that I am slowly forgiving my father. I feel like I am sounding selfish, but I'm really not. I guess just because almost no one knows my reasoning behind all of this stuff. But, anyway, I am able to talk to my father without cringing. I can ask him for stuff, I can check my e-mail and not like break down if he has e-mailed me. I can reply without having to plan my words so he can't turn things around on me. I know my relationship will never be normal with him, but it is getting better, and that is all I care about right now.
This past year has gone by so fast, but so slow at the same time. I can honestly say it has been one of the best and the worst ever. I have learned more in this year than ever before. It is quite amazing actually. I must say thank god it is coming to an end and summer is nearly here. It feels like last summer and all of it’s troubles was merely a few months ago.
I guess that basically what I am saying is, I feel like my world is healing, and I really like that. Myself much included in that. Like, not only am I coming closer and closer to what I aspired to be when I was little, with a good job at a resturaunt and a licence and stuff…But just shit like confidence and individuality and being able to be yourself, and not dwelling on what people think, I’m getting better at that stuff too. I’m proud of myself…It is weird to say it all outloud, or type it or whatever. I most likely sound like a nut case, but you know, it is my journal, and it is me. And whoever doesn’t accept that, well, I don’t really care. haha
"I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fucking fate
What did you take me for a fool?
Or were you just too blind to see,
That every effort made has failed
And there is no destroying me?
Hate can be a positive emotion
When it forces you to better yourself
You built me, constructed my desire
Perfected my hatred
Now I'm driven to be ten times better than you think you are"
♥
What I am trying to say is that I really feel like things are kind of starting to come back together. Like, I have always tried to forgive everyone for shit (logically of course) But it has always been one of the hardest things, especially when it comes to my parents. My real Dad specifically, but my mom included as well. I respect my mom so much more now, and I really have let go of most of the stupid shit I have been holding on to.
The biggest thing though, is that I am slowly forgiving my father. I feel like I am sounding selfish, but I'm really not. I guess just because almost no one knows my reasoning behind all of this stuff. But, anyway, I am able to talk to my father without cringing. I can ask him for stuff, I can check my e-mail and not like break down if he has e-mailed me. I can reply without having to plan my words so he can't turn things around on me. I know my relationship will never be normal with him, but it is getting better, and that is all I care about right now.
This past year has gone by so fast, but so slow at the same time. I can honestly say it has been one of the best and the worst ever. I have learned more in this year than ever before. It is quite amazing actually. I must say thank god it is coming to an end and summer is nearly here. It feels like last summer and all of it’s troubles was merely a few months ago.
I guess that basically what I am saying is, I feel like my world is healing, and I really like that. Myself much included in that. Like, not only am I coming closer and closer to what I aspired to be when I was little, with a good job at a resturaunt and a licence and stuff…But just shit like confidence and individuality and being able to be yourself, and not dwelling on what people think, I’m getting better at that stuff too. I’m proud of myself…It is weird to say it all outloud, or type it or whatever. I most likely sound like a nut case, but you know, it is my journal, and it is me. And whoever doesn’t accept that, well, I don’t really care. haha
"I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fucking fate
What did you take me for a fool?
Or were you just too blind to see,
That every effort made has failed
And there is no destroying me?
Hate can be a positive emotion
When it forces you to better yourself
You built me, constructed my desire
Perfected my hatred
Now I'm driven to be ten times better than you think you are"
♥