"The quiet things that no one ever knows."
First, I listened to Brand New for the first time in months today. I remembered why I love them.
I haven't updated this thing in forever, but I feel like I should. I don't know what it is about having online journals, but I get this insane need to write down everything that's been happening. I don't even care if anyone reads it. It's more just to get it all out of my head because I'm slowly drowning in all of it. I don't want to burden anyone else with all my anxious/neurotic thoughts.
I have a rather large update coming. Get ready. This is it.
Christmas was unbelievably hard. Seeing Sean without Ryan was like re-living it all over again. I realized how much I miss Ryan's little comments about everything, his little half-smile when things amused him. God, I miss that kid. I don't think I realized how angry I was about it. God and I are going to have such a big conversation whenever I get up there. Seventeen? Why? Why him? Why a kid who made everyone laugh? He already had so much to deal with, couldn't You give him more time with us?
I so do not want to be angry, not at God... but I can't help it. It's boiling just beneath the surface and I just can't seem to find a way to let go of all of it.
I'm up to Chapter 8-9 in my novel. I've got 20 chapters framed out, so I know the big stuff that's happening, it's just a matter of actually sitting down and writing. After going to my 2 graduate classes, I think I can say that finishing the novel is not going to happen anytime soon. Maybe this summer. Of course, I've also framed out about 5 more stories. This stuff is constantly popping into my head. I need 40 hour days or something.
Graduate school is freaking me out, not gonna lie. I'm pretty psyched about the Harry Potter class I'm taking - it's everything I want out of my education. It's going to be hard, but it's on a subject that I just don't mind putting work into. However, my Graduate Composition class is going to kick my ass, plain and simple. I didn't understand half of what was going on in class last night. I mean, I know I have some fairly hippie-ish tendencies, but I am in no way as much of a hippie as my composition professor. I think that might be a problem. She wanted us to let go and make this mandala thing last night. I mean, it was a cool assignment, and I was into it, except that I'm ridiculously artistically challenged and way less creative than I thought I was. So, pretty much, it was 3 hours of feeling bad about myself. I mentally kicked myself after class and told myself to grow up, but it was a rough class.
I've all but given up on my poetry. I barely write anymore. The stuff I'm really proud of, well, I guess I just feel like I'll never surpass it. Dr. Torgersen did amazing things for my poetry, he really pushed me beyond the limits of what I was doing. The Queen of Darkness stuff can only go on so long, you know? I mean, I can't say that will ever be completely absent from my work, but I do need to focus on some other emotions and things happening around me.
My issues have gone and come back. I have so many of them, I can't say I'm surprised. It takes me about half a second for all of the anger I have bottled up to come flying to the surface when provoked. And there are about, oh, 2 people who can provoke me to that kind of anger. In 5 months, I will not be living with those 2 people, so hopefully, in escaping from this house, I will also be escaping the constant anger and frustration I have with living here. I'm not saying I hate my parents, but we just don't see eye-to-eye on anything. At least they realize that, once I move out, I will not be the same person. My mom's already apparently come to terms with the fact that there will be piercings and tattoos and that's just how things are going to be. I'm glad she realizes that.
Speaking of tattoos, I'm seriously thinking I want one before the wedding. I think I want my brother's 4-leaf clover, but I'm going to put it on my right foot. I'm going to put stars on my left one. Pretty sure I want to pierce my nose again, too. I miss it. It was so fun.
The wedding is beginning to take over my life, for real this time. I'm glad that my dress is already paid for and waiting to be fitted at the bridal shop. I'm supposed to go and have it fitted in March.
Ugh, that reminds me. I think I'm supposed to go and have tests run again in March. Eww.
But, anyway, back to the wedding. I went and met with the cake lady last night and we got that all situated. The cake is going to be so pretty, I'm so excited about it. I have to meet with the florist sometime soon, I should call her today. My mom and I are meeting with Alanna at Buck's Run next Friday, to go over some details that we haven't been able to iron out yet. Once that's all finished, I can put the final order stuff in for the invitations that Scott's aunt is printing for us (they're gorgeous) and then settle down for a bit, I hope.
My life is so hectic.
Oh! And I finally placed the order for my bridesmaid dress for Robert's wedding. Luckily, they went through Unique Bridal (where my wedding dress is at), so I just called them and asked them to use the same measurements as my wedding gown. Amanda, the girl at UB, said my measurements put me in a 4 for this dress, so I hope it doesn't come too small. Oh, well. I'll eat healthy.
<3
I haven't updated this thing in forever, but I feel like I should. I don't know what it is about having online journals, but I get this insane need to write down everything that's been happening. I don't even care if anyone reads it. It's more just to get it all out of my head because I'm slowly drowning in all of it. I don't want to burden anyone else with all my anxious/neurotic thoughts.
I have a rather large update coming. Get ready. This is it.
Christmas was unbelievably hard. Seeing Sean without Ryan was like re-living it all over again. I realized how much I miss Ryan's little comments about everything, his little half-smile when things amused him. God, I miss that kid. I don't think I realized how angry I was about it. God and I are going to have such a big conversation whenever I get up there. Seventeen? Why? Why him? Why a kid who made everyone laugh? He already had so much to deal with, couldn't You give him more time with us?
I so do not want to be angry, not at God... but I can't help it. It's boiling just beneath the surface and I just can't seem to find a way to let go of all of it.
I'm up to Chapter 8-9 in my novel. I've got 20 chapters framed out, so I know the big stuff that's happening, it's just a matter of actually sitting down and writing. After going to my 2 graduate classes, I think I can say that finishing the novel is not going to happen anytime soon. Maybe this summer. Of course, I've also framed out about 5 more stories. This stuff is constantly popping into my head. I need 40 hour days or something.
Graduate school is freaking me out, not gonna lie. I'm pretty psyched about the Harry Potter class I'm taking - it's everything I want out of my education. It's going to be hard, but it's on a subject that I just don't mind putting work into. However, my Graduate Composition class is going to kick my ass, plain and simple. I didn't understand half of what was going on in class last night. I mean, I know I have some fairly hippie-ish tendencies, but I am in no way as much of a hippie as my composition professor. I think that might be a problem. She wanted us to let go and make this mandala thing last night. I mean, it was a cool assignment, and I was into it, except that I'm ridiculously artistically challenged and way less creative than I thought I was. So, pretty much, it was 3 hours of feeling bad about myself. I mentally kicked myself after class and told myself to grow up, but it was a rough class.
I've all but given up on my poetry. I barely write anymore. The stuff I'm really proud of, well, I guess I just feel like I'll never surpass it. Dr. Torgersen did amazing things for my poetry, he really pushed me beyond the limits of what I was doing. The Queen of Darkness stuff can only go on so long, you know? I mean, I can't say that will ever be completely absent from my work, but I do need to focus on some other emotions and things happening around me.
My issues have gone and come back. I have so many of them, I can't say I'm surprised. It takes me about half a second for all of the anger I have bottled up to come flying to the surface when provoked. And there are about, oh, 2 people who can provoke me to that kind of anger. In 5 months, I will not be living with those 2 people, so hopefully, in escaping from this house, I will also be escaping the constant anger and frustration I have with living here. I'm not saying I hate my parents, but we just don't see eye-to-eye on anything. At least they realize that, once I move out, I will not be the same person. My mom's already apparently come to terms with the fact that there will be piercings and tattoos and that's just how things are going to be. I'm glad she realizes that.
Speaking of tattoos, I'm seriously thinking I want one before the wedding. I think I want my brother's 4-leaf clover, but I'm going to put it on my right foot. I'm going to put stars on my left one. Pretty sure I want to pierce my nose again, too. I miss it. It was so fun.
The wedding is beginning to take over my life, for real this time. I'm glad that my dress is already paid for and waiting to be fitted at the bridal shop. I'm supposed to go and have it fitted in March.
Ugh, that reminds me. I think I'm supposed to go and have tests run again in March. Eww.
But, anyway, back to the wedding. I went and met with the cake lady last night and we got that all situated. The cake is going to be so pretty, I'm so excited about it. I have to meet with the florist sometime soon, I should call her today. My mom and I are meeting with Alanna at Buck's Run next Friday, to go over some details that we haven't been able to iron out yet. Once that's all finished, I can put the final order stuff in for the invitations that Scott's aunt is printing for us (they're gorgeous) and then settle down for a bit, I hope.
My life is so hectic.
Oh! And I finally placed the order for my bridesmaid dress for Robert's wedding. Luckily, they went through Unique Bridal (where my wedding dress is at), so I just called them and asked them to use the same measurements as my wedding gown. Amanda, the girl at UB, said my measurements put me in a 4 for this dress, so I hope it doesn't come too small. Oh, well. I'll eat healthy.
<3