(no subject)
I've been doing all I can to NOT think about what's happening right now. I went to my iWPS committee meeting on Monday night, even hung out a little afterwards to ensure that once I got home, I would be exhausted and immediately fall asleep. I threw myself into work yesterday, got so much ish done I almost have nothing to do today. I was going to try and hit the open mic last night, but I forgot all about having to be subsitute care-giver for my friend's mom who has Parkinson's and can't be alone for long. Anyway, in my very conscious attempt to NOT think about things, God/the Universe/fate/whatever had other plans for me (as usual) because as I'm driving to work this morning I realize that my daughter left the radio on. So I start channel flipping and hear this:
"Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I doan need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot BETTER
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life"
My brain gathers these words for processing while my heart relates to them and I find myself looking for tissue....AGAIN, dayum. I listen for the artist and song title and find out it's the dude that won the Entertainer of the Year award at the Country Music Awards. It didn't even sound like a country song....although the line "take your cat and leave my sweater" should have been some indication. I guess the moral of this story is, there are some forces stronger than me and if I am "supposed" to be thinking about and dealing with this situation, those forces are going to make sure I do it....no matter how I fight it. Maybe I wouldn't be so intent on fighting it if I could get some deep down, nitty gritty, honest answers from HIM....but I know I won't. So even in thinking about it and trying to deal with it, I'll be thinking about and dealing with the same old stuff....I'll be no more enlightened and the truth will still be out there, so what's the point?
The poem I started last week has been swimming around in my head. I want to finish it but I kept feeling a block. Finally, I sent it to a friend yesterday for some "professional" advice on it. I got some really good pointers and suggestions, things that could make a good piece extra good...only if I were to take his advice, I'd have to open up and REALLY put the passion in the piece....and I'm afraid to do that. He said that the poem is really good, but he could feel that I was holding back. I started thinking, maybe that is why I felt blocked....like I couldn't finish it...maybe *I* was blocking it by not allowing myself to fully open up and just let it all out on the page. So I started to revise it yesterday...and it was too painful (translation: I could no longer see the paper through the tears)....so I stopped. I did get some good revisions in though and my friend said he'll even help me turn it into something I can do at an open mic....when I'm ready.
I've decided to do some volunteer stuff. I need to be helping someone, doing something in the community...something. I can help others, feel good about myself again, and keep my mind off HIM. Sounds like a win/win situation.
I just wish I could see the purpose for good people going through so much pain.