(no subject)
well this is going to be a random and probably depressing entry. but i've decided to just type what i'm thinking as i'm thinking it... while playing computer games. yes, i'm bored.
you know... why is it fair that some people have so many things that they're good at, while i don't have anything. i mean theres stuff i can do okayyyy but i'm just not awesome at anything. it just makes me so upset and jealous. and why is stuff so easy for some people.
am i jsut not putting myself out there enough? because i am hurt as often as if i were really putting myself out there. but i guess not. or i guess i'm just not putting myself out for the right people. which sucks. why is it so easy to like someone thats so wrong for you and so hard to find someone that's right for you?
and why is it soooo hard to feel good about yourself (or pretty much anything) these days? it's just unreal. being down on yourself all the time is unhealthy... but how do you stop?
i keep saying i can't wait for college. but my biggest fear in the world right now is that college is going to be the same thing, but without the comfort of my house. that i will be rejected by the same people, feel the same way, do the same things, move nowhere. i honestly don't know what i'd do if taht happened. i literally don't think that i could handle that happening.
maybe what i need to do is stop waiting for something so perfect, and just go with the best option at the moment. thats hard though, because it seems like there are none. to quote the sweetest thing (lame but oh well... awesoem movie) "stop looking for mr right and go wtih mr right now. and eventually, if its right... the now part will just drop away." you know... i think i could totally handle that. but what if there is no mr right now? what then?
you know what sucks. i'm a completely different person half the time. half the time i'm strong and funny and just let stuff roll of my back like nothing. but then if i stop or even slow down for just oooone second, that person is gone. then i'm the person who gets hurt by every word, overanalyses every second, can never ever shake that lonely feeling that's there every minute of every day. sometimes i think that if i could just find a way to keep going and going and never stop or slow down, that i would be able to be that strong, funny, cool, calm, happy girl. but i can't do that. so the other me always shows up. that feeling that comes and settles for a nice long stay, like a big cat who comes and sits on you til your legs are numb. until i can start moving again...
i just got the urge to watch phantom of the opera. isn't it wierd that when girls feel sad, sometimes all they want to do is watch a sad movie that will make them even more depressed and cry? don't you think you'd want to watch a happy movie? maybe its because i just came from a musical, or because i'm feeling sorry for myself and those sad songs can just say the things i can't or don't want to say or think and then i can forget them for a while. or maybe some other reason. i don't know. i don't know much.
also, i very very often get the urge to crawl into my bed, pull on my many many warm comforters, pillows, pairs of socks, curl up and lay there forever. i just want to be warm and comfortable. i'm guess i'm the typical girl who wants to be comforted. i would be ecstatic if i had someone who would just lay with me and cuddle and hold me every night befor i went to bed. if you just lay next to me and hold me, i'll never have to move again.
wow that was long. and depressing. i hope you didn't read that. if you did... sorry. oh and please do not feel like you should comment. this was just to get my thoughts out.
ps- secret garden was AWESOME. go see it. congrats to cast and crew.
you know... why is it fair that some people have so many things that they're good at, while i don't have anything. i mean theres stuff i can do okayyyy but i'm just not awesome at anything. it just makes me so upset and jealous. and why is stuff so easy for some people.
am i jsut not putting myself out there enough? because i am hurt as often as if i were really putting myself out there. but i guess not. or i guess i'm just not putting myself out for the right people. which sucks. why is it so easy to like someone thats so wrong for you and so hard to find someone that's right for you?
and why is it soooo hard to feel good about yourself (or pretty much anything) these days? it's just unreal. being down on yourself all the time is unhealthy... but how do you stop?
i keep saying i can't wait for college. but my biggest fear in the world right now is that college is going to be the same thing, but without the comfort of my house. that i will be rejected by the same people, feel the same way, do the same things, move nowhere. i honestly don't know what i'd do if taht happened. i literally don't think that i could handle that happening.
maybe what i need to do is stop waiting for something so perfect, and just go with the best option at the moment. thats hard though, because it seems like there are none. to quote the sweetest thing (lame but oh well... awesoem movie) "stop looking for mr right and go wtih mr right now. and eventually, if its right... the now part will just drop away." you know... i think i could totally handle that. but what if there is no mr right now? what then?
you know what sucks. i'm a completely different person half the time. half the time i'm strong and funny and just let stuff roll of my back like nothing. but then if i stop or even slow down for just oooone second, that person is gone. then i'm the person who gets hurt by every word, overanalyses every second, can never ever shake that lonely feeling that's there every minute of every day. sometimes i think that if i could just find a way to keep going and going and never stop or slow down, that i would be able to be that strong, funny, cool, calm, happy girl. but i can't do that. so the other me always shows up. that feeling that comes and settles for a nice long stay, like a big cat who comes and sits on you til your legs are numb. until i can start moving again...
i just got the urge to watch phantom of the opera. isn't it wierd that when girls feel sad, sometimes all they want to do is watch a sad movie that will make them even more depressed and cry? don't you think you'd want to watch a happy movie? maybe its because i just came from a musical, or because i'm feeling sorry for myself and those sad songs can just say the things i can't or don't want to say or think and then i can forget them for a while. or maybe some other reason. i don't know. i don't know much.
also, i very very often get the urge to crawl into my bed, pull on my many many warm comforters, pillows, pairs of socks, curl up and lay there forever. i just want to be warm and comfortable. i'm guess i'm the typical girl who wants to be comforted. i would be ecstatic if i had someone who would just lay with me and cuddle and hold me every night befor i went to bed. if you just lay next to me and hold me, i'll never have to move again.
wow that was long. and depressing. i hope you didn't read that. if you did... sorry. oh and please do not feel like you should comment. this was just to get my thoughts out.
ps- secret garden was AWESOME. go see it. congrats to cast and crew.