Where do I go from here?
i just need to write... i technically have no home to call my own so i figured id use what i have ... which is nothing really. i have a doller and some change to my name, i have a cell phone that has no service, i have a laptop which i am writing on now, i have the power cord to that and i have a few items of clothing. so, really i have nothing of value to anyone. i mean, material pocessions are one thing but ... i have nothing as a person to offer anyone. i dont have a job or many friends, mainly cuz i choose to stay inside alot. i dont have a boyfriend anyone becuase the only person that has ever cared about me left because i pushed him away. i lied to him and cheated on him and i basically did everything i could to make him hate me. im sitting outside now plottting where im going to go tonight. i cant go home. josh and grandma were right. she's chosen someone else over me. and im continuing to hold onto that like she actually cares. i mean, i sit at home with amanda and stephen and i watch tv and play online ... what kind of life is that. i dont go to school anymore cuz i dropped out and now im a bum. i know im a dissapointment to everyone around me -- josh, grandma, mom, even stephen im sure isnt very proud of me. i just want the last 6 months of my life back. i wanna redo so many things. i wanna make things right but i dont know how. if i say i wanna go to church, mom calles me a hypocrite. i feel stuck because i cant leave... not because i dont want to or anything but just because of the fact that i dont wanna accept that my mom has chosen someone else over me. and you know... josh was right. its time i started thinking about my life and what i want ... i mean, shes lived her life and im just beginning mine. I just, feel like i wanna die sometimes. i had the best day today too thats what i dont understand. i had a really good day. stephen and i talked about recent events and some of the things he said made me cry -- they were so sweet and i never thought id hear them from a guy -- towards me anyways. but then mom comes home and suddenly my world flips upside down and now im faced with the possibility of being homeless. i dont know what to do or who to turn to... i mean i cry and get it out and then mom thinks everything will go back to normal. but it wont -- she says these awful hurtful things to me and expects me to just nodd and be ok and accept them because apparently ive said it to her. but ive never told her any of the things shes said to me ... ever. but instead shes gone to the gym and then to marks -- it doesnt matter that i wanna die right now and i just need her but no, shes gone and wont be home until the morning and then its back to gieco for another day of *pretend happy rae* and then back to the gym and back to marks... and so on and so on.... it never ends. i tried to go to autumns tonight and she threatened to call the cops on me and then i was going to stephens and she did the same thing so i have no way of talking to stephen and telling him that i cant come ... so theres this big mess and i have no way of fixing it. well im tired and i just wanna sleep so i think ill lay down for a while... maybe try to forget about this and maybe if im lucky, forget im alive...