she's the one that makes me fall
Sitting here at my laptop, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I can't be like everyone else. I'm angry because I envy so many people. Please I know, people I pass by in the stores, and people I see on TV. People that look like they're enjoying life. People that smile. People that laugh. The commercials about following your dreams make me cry. Seeing ads for colleges make me want to scream. I feel as though I'll never have that. I'll never be able to live the life I want to live. The life I've always dreamed of living. People with bipolar have 3 choices: 1) Take NO medication at all, 2) Take light medication, or the least you can, and 3) Heavily medicated. Well, the first choice will most likely lead to disaster. You might get so bad that you end up killing yourself. You're distraught, you're up, and you’re down. It's dangerous. Choice number two allows for some medication to help with the mood swings, but it's not enough to help when things go bad. You can't handle the little stressors in life. You burst into tears when pushed. You don't want to leave your house. You push your friends and family away. You aren't manic very often, but you're life is spent at home, wanting to be alone. You can't work. You can't go to school. You can't sleep regularly. Yeah you aren't swinging from high to low, but you can't handle company coming over b/c of the stress it puts on you. Choice three puts you into a catatonic state. You sleep all of the time. When you aren't sleeping, you are like a zombie. You can't think clearly, you have a hard time doing anything at all. Getting out of bed seems like a big feat. So where does this leave us? What choices do we really have?? Are any of these really that great of a life?
I go to therapy once a month or so. I want to talk. I want to tell everything that I'm feeling but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what she'll say, what she'll think. Will they send me away? Will they think I'm dangerous to myself, or crazy enough to be sent to the psych ward? We talk, but it only skims the surface. I feel like I have this huge neon arrow above my head that says, "Needs help" and I'm hoping she'll see it and ask the right questions. If she leaves it up to me to talk about things, I won't do it. I can't do it. When I walk out of her office I feel like there were so many things I should have said. So many things I wanted to say and I feel stupid for not saying them.
My quality of life sucks right now. It pure sucks. It revolves around taking my meds, trying to sleep at the right times and trying to stay awake when I need to stay awake. I can't work. I can't go back to school. I don't leave my house b/c I feel so stressed when I do. I can't stay in Wal-Mart for more than an hour or so b/c I panic and start feeling sick. I feel like everyone is watching me wherever I go, criticizing me. My husband gets upset with me b/c I don't feel like leaving the house on his days off. He calls me a hermit, says that all I do is stay in the bedroom. He's right most of the time. I sit and I watch TV, I read, I play on the computer. Anything to occupy my mind so I don't lose what I have left. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have to make up reasons and excuses as to why I don't go visit my family, why I can’t call them or my friends, why I was sleeping when I was. I have to make up excuses for everything I do. I get angry so fast and I take it out on people that don't deserve it. I clench my teeth and tighten my jaw till it aches. There are many times when my upper thighs start hurting and then I realize it's because my muscles were tense. I have to forcibly relax them. Do you know how this feels? Do you understand? Probably not. Who really does understand? The doctors know only what their patients tell them. They haven't actually experienced it. My family doesn't understand. My husband tries, but he isn't even close. What does one do in this situation? What can one do?
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of living the way that I do. I'm tired of the struggle, anger, resentment, envy, depression, disgust, self-hate, tears, worry, arguments, confrontations, everything. I want to fix it, I want to change it but I have no idea how or even if I can. What can I change it to? Choice number one? Or three? My therapist tells me that there are people who live perfectly normal lives bipolar. Well their situation is not like mine. Everyone is different. I don't think I have the surroundings and the factors that I need to have to have that perfectly normal life.
I go to therapy once a month or so. I want to talk. I want to tell everything that I'm feeling but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what she'll say, what she'll think. Will they send me away? Will they think I'm dangerous to myself, or crazy enough to be sent to the psych ward? We talk, but it only skims the surface. I feel like I have this huge neon arrow above my head that says, "Needs help" and I'm hoping she'll see it and ask the right questions. If she leaves it up to me to talk about things, I won't do it. I can't do it. When I walk out of her office I feel like there were so many things I should have said. So many things I wanted to say and I feel stupid for not saying them.
My quality of life sucks right now. It pure sucks. It revolves around taking my meds, trying to sleep at the right times and trying to stay awake when I need to stay awake. I can't work. I can't go back to school. I don't leave my house b/c I feel so stressed when I do. I can't stay in Wal-Mart for more than an hour or so b/c I panic and start feeling sick. I feel like everyone is watching me wherever I go, criticizing me. My husband gets upset with me b/c I don't feel like leaving the house on his days off. He calls me a hermit, says that all I do is stay in the bedroom. He's right most of the time. I sit and I watch TV, I read, I play on the computer. Anything to occupy my mind so I don't lose what I have left. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have to make up reasons and excuses as to why I don't go visit my family, why I can’t call them or my friends, why I was sleeping when I was. I have to make up excuses for everything I do. I get angry so fast and I take it out on people that don't deserve it. I clench my teeth and tighten my jaw till it aches. There are many times when my upper thighs start hurting and then I realize it's because my muscles were tense. I have to forcibly relax them. Do you know how this feels? Do you understand? Probably not. Who really does understand? The doctors know only what their patients tell them. They haven't actually experienced it. My family doesn't understand. My husband tries, but he isn't even close. What does one do in this situation? What can one do?
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of living the way that I do. I'm tired of the struggle, anger, resentment, envy, depression, disgust, self-hate, tears, worry, arguments, confrontations, everything. I want to fix it, I want to change it but I have no idea how or even if I can. What can I change it to? Choice number one? Or three? My therapist tells me that there are people who live perfectly normal lives bipolar. Well their situation is not like mine. Everyone is different. I don't think I have the surroundings and the factors that I need to have to have that perfectly normal life.