(no subject)
my mind is racing. i've got so much on my mind right now... way too much. some of which i can say and some of which i cant. the stuff i cant say i'm going to make a private post and get it all out.
pops was supposed to come home today... doctors changed their mind b/c he has xrays in the morning. i love him, everyone knows that, but i know we cant take care of him at home. its only grandma, aunt pat, and me here. grandma and pat cant lift him if her were to fall, and i am not in the shape to deal with him emotionally. my meds have me all mixed up inside, drowzy, exhausted most of the time. just doubling them. it will take my body some time to get used to them and i just cant do it here. grandma wants me to run the dog (bigass boxer) to the vet in ozark tomorrow. its always something here. there is never time to just sit here. i have had time today b/c i didnt go to the hospital with grandma and pat has been in her room all day. today has been nice, but not really b/c all this shit i'm thinking off. i feel like i'm all over the damn place. i wish we could find a nice place for pops to go to, a home, but i hate that. i hate even thinking that. but if we put him in a home, all of his money that he's getting from va and everything will stop. grandma will not be getting ANY money at all. how can she stay here? she wont be able to. so there is that problem.
i've been so sick and tired of my weight. i've been this way for a long time now. since i found out i was bipolar and have been struggling with all of these different meds, i have gained almost 100 pounds. i know its not what i'm eating, i know that. i dont eat much at all. the problem is the meds. not only do they cause you to gain weight, but they are making me so tired and so exhausted that i cant get out and do anything at all. i'm tired of it. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of me. i got on the treadmill today for 30 min. it said i walked a mile and a quarter. over 251 cal burned and 73 fat cal. it felt good.. but it was hard to keep going. i wanted to stop, but i kept going. i'm going to do it again later on tonight. i need this at home, but since its here, while i'm here, i'm going to do this. i have had it. i've had enough. i dont know how else to change this though. i either need to stop my meds, or stop eating all together and just die. i dont know what to do!! i wish i could explain to people how i feel when i'm on this medication, i feel dead almost, my head is foggy and i physically cant lift my arms or legs without effort b/c they feel so heavy... i'm that tired. i sleep almost all day... i dont know if its just b/c i have doubled it and havent given it time to settle yet.. or what. i'm tired of hearing anymore advice. i'm tired of hearing people say "i think you should do this.. or i would do that" b/c they dont know how this feels!!!!
and everyone knows how much i love my family, but being here at grandma's its like every other conversation is about god this and god that. look, i'm happy that my grandma is such a strong believer, but i feel like its being thrown in my face in hopes that i'll think, "hey, maybe i should start feeling like that.." well i'm not going to. i have my own beliefs, but i hate sitting through conversation after conversation about how god has given pat this job and he knows the way he wants her to go and hes done this for her, and ahhh!! grandma had me pray with her last night. i know she needed to pray, and i'm so glad that she gets strength from god and praying, but grandma, i'm not christian. I'M NOT CHRISTIAN.... how do i get that through to them that its not a phase?? i dont go around and shove what i believe in their faces. i dont go and say, "hey grandma, lets go and pray the way i pray" and stuff like that. i dunno. i'm just letting everything get to me more that it should. ben called and we got into it b/c i told him all of this and he said that it happens everytime i come down here and he's getting to the point that he doesnt want me to come down here and stay anymore. he said that its not good for me - i dont eat when i'm here, i don't sleep like i'm supposed to, i have anxiety probs, i get so upset about stuff... and he's right. it isnt good for me. but what should i do? no one else is here?? no one. pat is here, yeah. but she works. grandma cant do this alone. i dont want her to and i will not let her do it alone.. but i feel like its killing me slowly. i dont know what to do. i just dont know.......
pops was supposed to come home today... doctors changed their mind b/c he has xrays in the morning. i love him, everyone knows that, but i know we cant take care of him at home. its only grandma, aunt pat, and me here. grandma and pat cant lift him if her were to fall, and i am not in the shape to deal with him emotionally. my meds have me all mixed up inside, drowzy, exhausted most of the time. just doubling them. it will take my body some time to get used to them and i just cant do it here. grandma wants me to run the dog (bigass boxer) to the vet in ozark tomorrow. its always something here. there is never time to just sit here. i have had time today b/c i didnt go to the hospital with grandma and pat has been in her room all day. today has been nice, but not really b/c all this shit i'm thinking off. i feel like i'm all over the damn place. i wish we could find a nice place for pops to go to, a home, but i hate that. i hate even thinking that. but if we put him in a home, all of his money that he's getting from va and everything will stop. grandma will not be getting ANY money at all. how can she stay here? she wont be able to. so there is that problem.
i've been so sick and tired of my weight. i've been this way for a long time now. since i found out i was bipolar and have been struggling with all of these different meds, i have gained almost 100 pounds. i know its not what i'm eating, i know that. i dont eat much at all. the problem is the meds. not only do they cause you to gain weight, but they are making me so tired and so exhausted that i cant get out and do anything at all. i'm tired of it. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of me. i got on the treadmill today for 30 min. it said i walked a mile and a quarter. over 251 cal burned and 73 fat cal. it felt good.. but it was hard to keep going. i wanted to stop, but i kept going. i'm going to do it again later on tonight. i need this at home, but since its here, while i'm here, i'm going to do this. i have had it. i've had enough. i dont know how else to change this though. i either need to stop my meds, or stop eating all together and just die. i dont know what to do!! i wish i could explain to people how i feel when i'm on this medication, i feel dead almost, my head is foggy and i physically cant lift my arms or legs without effort b/c they feel so heavy... i'm that tired. i sleep almost all day... i dont know if its just b/c i have doubled it and havent given it time to settle yet.. or what. i'm tired of hearing anymore advice. i'm tired of hearing people say "i think you should do this.. or i would do that" b/c they dont know how this feels!!!!
and everyone knows how much i love my family, but being here at grandma's its like every other conversation is about god this and god that. look, i'm happy that my grandma is such a strong believer, but i feel like its being thrown in my face in hopes that i'll think, "hey, maybe i should start feeling like that.." well i'm not going to. i have my own beliefs, but i hate sitting through conversation after conversation about how god has given pat this job and he knows the way he wants her to go and hes done this for her, and ahhh!! grandma had me pray with her last night. i know she needed to pray, and i'm so glad that she gets strength from god and praying, but grandma, i'm not christian. I'M NOT CHRISTIAN.... how do i get that through to them that its not a phase?? i dont go around and shove what i believe in their faces. i dont go and say, "hey grandma, lets go and pray the way i pray" and stuff like that. i dunno. i'm just letting everything get to me more that it should. ben called and we got into it b/c i told him all of this and he said that it happens everytime i come down here and he's getting to the point that he doesnt want me to come down here and stay anymore. he said that its not good for me - i dont eat when i'm here, i don't sleep like i'm supposed to, i have anxiety probs, i get so upset about stuff... and he's right. it isnt good for me. but what should i do? no one else is here?? no one. pat is here, yeah. but she works. grandma cant do this alone. i dont want her to and i will not let her do it alone.. but i feel like its killing me slowly. i dont know what to do. i just dont know.......