Tea Party Wedding Crasher 3D!
MINISTER: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss.
[Bride and groom kiss and guests clap and cheer. Except for the desperate-looking guy we'll call Teep Artie running down the aisle.]
ARTIE: Samantha! I'm here to rescue you!
[Artie has a bloody bandage around his head and is limping. He looks like he hasn't changed his clothes for a month.]
SAM: Artie? What are you doing here? I told you to take a hike! This is my wedding!
ARTIE: Yes, but it's not too late! You haven't consummated it yet. We can just get you an annulment and--
SAM: Why would I do that? I rejected you over and over. Why don't you get that? I'm married to Barry now. I never wanted to be with you. That's why I got the restraining order. How did you get in here? Why can't you take a hint?
ARTIE: You just don't understand what I can give you!
SAM: Don't care is more like it. And didn't you have to file for bankruptcy because you couldn't pay for your appendectomy?
ARTIE: That was just a bump in the road.
SAM: You don't look so good. How's your asthma?
ARTIE: Well, I can't get an inhaler now for less than $500. I changed jobs, and it's a pre-existing condition--
SAM: Oh, that's not an issue any more. Thanks to Barry.
[Sam bats her eyes at Barry, who smiles benevolently at Artie.]
BARRY: And if I'd had my way, you wouldn't have had to file for bankruptcy because you couldn't pay for an operation.
ARTIE: That's socialist propaganda! I deserved to go bankrupt! Sam, please, I still love you. Just say you love me and we'll run away together!
SAM: Artie, you're delusional. I never loved you, I told you over and over again, and now I'm married. Just go away and stop bothering me! You have to accept that this is how it is!
[Artie suddenly pulls an elderly woman from her seat on the aisle and pulls a gun out of his pocket; he holds the woman around her neck with one arm and presses the gun against her temple with the other.]
ARTIE: Okay, how much do you love me now? Say you love me!
SAM: Don't hurt Nana!
ARTIE: I'm not the one who wants to hurt Nana! It's Barry, with his--his--DEATH PANELS!
[Barry curses.]
BARRY: Listen, asshat, there's no such thing as death panels! Why do you keep trying to scare Sam and her Nana about freaking death panels? You're the only one threatening Nana!
ARTIE: To get Sam to listen! And get her to hate you!
SAM: You're the only one you've made me hate, Artie! I've given you my answer over and over. Now let go of Nana!
ARTIE: Maybe--maybe we can negotiate something. Maybe you can spend Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays with me--
SAM: I'm not going to negotiate with you, Artie!
ARTIE: You negotiated with that other guy--
SAM: That was to buy my house, Artie.
ARTIE: But you hated the guy selling it to you. So you'll negotiate with someone you hate but not me?
BARRY: We hate you too, Artie, but we don't negotiate with terrorists. Let Nana go.
[Artie pouts.]
ARTIE: I'll turn off the electricity! The doors are electronic--we won't be able to leave! And you'll either all die of starvation or have to start eating each other! And--there aren't any bathrooms here, so you'll have to pee in the corner, and it'll start to smell!
[Sam sighs.]
SAM: For Pete's sake--why won't you quit? You can't make me love you, Artie. And even if I were on the fence, you wouldn't be helping your case with this bullshit. I'm married. It's a done deal. I'm happy. This is what I want. GO AWAY NOW.
ARTIE: What if I--what if I make it impossible for you all to see cute videos of baby pandas?
SAM: Then we'll all hate you even more! More threats aren't going to make me change my mind. What part of IT IS OVER do you not get?
[Artie blinks in confusion.]
ARTIE: Um, all of it.
[Suddenly, Nana, puts her elbow in Artie's ribs, takes the gun from his grasp and aims it at him.]
NANA: Shut up and go away, asshole. Before I shoot. I may be mostly blind and can't remember my address most of the time, or what year it is, but I've had a license to carry a gun since 1960 and I'm a crack shot, so go ahead--try me.
[Artie looks down the barrel of the gun and faints dead away. Nana puts the gun in her purse and sits down again.]
NANA: I never liked him anyway. Those stories about death panels always sounded like something he'd thought way too much about, like he'd been planning them for years. Good riddance.
[The music starts up and Sam and Barry walk down the aisle arm in arm, stepping over Artie on the way out of the chapel. The guests clap and cheer again and when they leave, Artie is left alone, lying in the aisle, drooling onto the carpet.]
THE END
[Bride and groom kiss and guests clap and cheer. Except for the desperate-looking guy we'll call Teep Artie running down the aisle.]
ARTIE: Samantha! I'm here to rescue you!
[Artie has a bloody bandage around his head and is limping. He looks like he hasn't changed his clothes for a month.]
SAM: Artie? What are you doing here? I told you to take a hike! This is my wedding!
ARTIE: Yes, but it's not too late! You haven't consummated it yet. We can just get you an annulment and--
SAM: Why would I do that? I rejected you over and over. Why don't you get that? I'm married to Barry now. I never wanted to be with you. That's why I got the restraining order. How did you get in here? Why can't you take a hint?
ARTIE: You just don't understand what I can give you!
SAM: Don't care is more like it. And didn't you have to file for bankruptcy because you couldn't pay for your appendectomy?
ARTIE: That was just a bump in the road.
SAM: You don't look so good. How's your asthma?
ARTIE: Well, I can't get an inhaler now for less than $500. I changed jobs, and it's a pre-existing condition--
SAM: Oh, that's not an issue any more. Thanks to Barry.
[Sam bats her eyes at Barry, who smiles benevolently at Artie.]
BARRY: And if I'd had my way, you wouldn't have had to file for bankruptcy because you couldn't pay for an operation.
ARTIE: That's socialist propaganda! I deserved to go bankrupt! Sam, please, I still love you. Just say you love me and we'll run away together!
SAM: Artie, you're delusional. I never loved you, I told you over and over again, and now I'm married. Just go away and stop bothering me! You have to accept that this is how it is!
[Artie suddenly pulls an elderly woman from her seat on the aisle and pulls a gun out of his pocket; he holds the woman around her neck with one arm and presses the gun against her temple with the other.]
ARTIE: Okay, how much do you love me now? Say you love me!
SAM: Don't hurt Nana!
ARTIE: I'm not the one who wants to hurt Nana! It's Barry, with his--his--DEATH PANELS!
[Barry curses.]
BARRY: Listen, asshat, there's no such thing as death panels! Why do you keep trying to scare Sam and her Nana about freaking death panels? You're the only one threatening Nana!
ARTIE: To get Sam to listen! And get her to hate you!
SAM: You're the only one you've made me hate, Artie! I've given you my answer over and over. Now let go of Nana!
ARTIE: Maybe--maybe we can negotiate something. Maybe you can spend Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays with me--
SAM: I'm not going to negotiate with you, Artie!
ARTIE: You negotiated with that other guy--
SAM: That was to buy my house, Artie.
ARTIE: But you hated the guy selling it to you. So you'll negotiate with someone you hate but not me?
BARRY: We hate you too, Artie, but we don't negotiate with terrorists. Let Nana go.
[Artie pouts.]
ARTIE: I'll turn off the electricity! The doors are electronic--we won't be able to leave! And you'll either all die of starvation or have to start eating each other! And--there aren't any bathrooms here, so you'll have to pee in the corner, and it'll start to smell!
[Sam sighs.]
SAM: For Pete's sake--why won't you quit? You can't make me love you, Artie. And even if I were on the fence, you wouldn't be helping your case with this bullshit. I'm married. It's a done deal. I'm happy. This is what I want. GO AWAY NOW.
ARTIE: What if I--what if I make it impossible for you all to see cute videos of baby pandas?
SAM: Then we'll all hate you even more! More threats aren't going to make me change my mind. What part of IT IS OVER do you not get?
[Artie blinks in confusion.]
ARTIE: Um, all of it.
[Suddenly, Nana, puts her elbow in Artie's ribs, takes the gun from his grasp and aims it at him.]
NANA: Shut up and go away, asshole. Before I shoot. I may be mostly blind and can't remember my address most of the time, or what year it is, but I've had a license to carry a gun since 1960 and I'm a crack shot, so go ahead--try me.
[Artie looks down the barrel of the gun and faints dead away. Nana puts the gun in her purse and sits down again.]
NANA: I never liked him anyway. Those stories about death panels always sounded like something he'd thought way too much about, like he'd been planning them for years. Good riddance.
[The music starts up and Sam and Barry walk down the aisle arm in arm, stepping over Artie on the way out of the chapel. The guests clap and cheer again and when they leave, Artie is left alone, lying in the aisle, drooling onto the carpet.]
THE END