Hahahahahahaha!! Ted Cruz Just Tanked His Entire Campaign!!
I have a really passionate love-hate relationship with current Presidential candidate and former United States Flightless Bird Ted Cruz, in that I really passionately hate him, but at the same time I really love writing about how much I hate him. I've already written an article about how literally nobody likes Ted Cruz, and I've written an article about how nobody would want to have weird, greasy sex with Ted Cruz. Every time I write an entire article about Ted Cruz, I tell myself it will be the last article I write about Ted Cruz because I find it unfair to Ted Cruz and unchallenging to myself to keep writing about Ted Cruz because Ted Cruz is such an easy target for ridicule, which probably offers quite a bit of insight into the formation of Ted Cruz's personality.
Plus, it's just really fun to say "Ted Cruz." It just shoots from your mouth like an obscenity. "I ended things with Billy. For a while he was such a nice guy, but after I said I wanted to wait he turned into a real Ted Cruz." "What in Ted Cruz is going on around here??" "Yippe-ki-yay, Ted Cruz!" Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz. TedCruz. Okay, I think I got it out of my system. Ted Cruz. It's like Tourette's.
Every time I think I'm done with Ted Cruz, that there's nothing more Ted Cruz could do that could fill several hundred more words, Ted Cruz proves me wrong and draws me back in by pulling some absurd, new Ted Cruz stunt. Maybe he will read from the Dr. Suess book that most effectively disproves his entire premise while working to deny health care to Americans for 21 straight hours on the Senate floor. Maybe he will petition to dismantle the IRS, presumably relying solely on bribes and corporate donations to fund his salary. Maybe news will break of five more women somehow willing to dab their finger in his slime trail. Maybe he will be the keynote speaker at a Republican gala event where literally no one will so much as notice he's even talking. Maybe he's secretly a Canadian.
Early Wednesday morning, Ted Cruz announced (since using the word "teased" in relation to Ted Cruz elicits disturbing mental images which can't be erased by taking a belt sander to your brain) a bigger, groundbreaking, game-changing announcement would be announcing later in the day, at precisely 4 PM, leaving many expert political analysts little choice but to spend the day speculating on whether or not this sentence will ever actually end. (It will.)
The only thing everyone knew for sure was he wouldn't be suspending his campaign. The fundraising goals of the remaining Republican candidates has switched from "getting our guy elected" to "not getting Donald Trump elected." The only way to accomplish this revised goal now is pulling enough votes away from Trump to keep him from hitting the magic number of delegates by July so they can contest the convention and nominate whomever they damn well please.
There was a lot of speculation throughout the day between such political experts as my fiancé and I that he might be announcing he really is, in fact, the Zodiac killer, the frontman for Stryper, a large flightless bird, a humanoid reptile, any combination of the previous two possibilities, a Morlock, or a Canadian, any one of which would dramatically improve his public perception at this point. Most people just assumed he would be announcing his Vice Presidential pick and went about their day continuing to not care less. The dwindling handful of voters who still pick Ted Cruz because they don't like Trump and can't remember what a "John Kasich" is would have something to look forward to at four o'clock, but that would be the extent of it.
I didn't watch Ted Cruz make his announcement because, much like the entire population of New York, I didn't care to listen to him mansplain his lunatic ramblings as if he were addressing a group of schoolchildren. (Has anyone else noticed this is Ted Cruz's default speaking style? He seriously could have been an elementary school teacher if only his face alone wouldn't haunt young children's nightmares for life.) I read about his announcement where I read all of my news: the "Trending" articles on Facebook, because I rightly assume people who write "FART" as a comment on YouTube will give me a more honest take than paid television pundits on all the news worth knowing.
In this case, I didn't even need to read the article. All I needed to read was the headline to take away everything I needed to know about the story, which was exactly this: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! TED CRUZ JUST TANKED HIS ENTIRE CAMPAIGN!!!"
Everybody who assumed Ted Cruz was going to announce his Vice Presidential pick and went back to masturbating furiously all day was right. Ted Cruz did pick his Vice Presidential running mate. He picked Carly Fieri FallopionaTubes Purina Whatever to be his running mate. I cannot begin to tell you how happy and excited this makes me because I thought I'd never have the chance to intentionally misspell her stupid last name again.
I'm sure there are some ardent supporters who still applaud the many triumphs of the Carly FuriousBallerina campaign, such as her sheer incompetence at running a successful corporation, her equal incompetence at running a successful Presidential campaign, her steadfast commitment to claims based solely on known falsified evidence, and possessing a thoroughly unelectable last name, to name just a few. Everybody else is left scratching their heads, wondering if even Ted Cruz is invested in Ted Cruz becoming President anymore.
He is literally copying the identical strategy that crashed John McCain's Presidential campaign in 2008. If you're potentially running against a woman, and you discover you have the sex appeal of, in John McCain's case, a Rolodex museum, or in Ted Cruz's case, some cross between a bucket of zit pus and a serial killer, you need to find some way to trick women into voting exclusively with their vaginas because that's apparently a thing we're doing now. Just like John McCain in 2008, Ted Cruz looked at his prospects and asked, "Who is the absolute craziest Republican woman we can get?" Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) Sarah Palin threw all of her stream of consciousness support behind Donald Trump, and I have no idea who Michele Bachmann is supporting but I'd venture to guess probably Invisible Jesus Riding a Majestic Flying Sea Turtle, so he was left with no choice but the second most lizard-faced Republican candidate from 2016 besides himself.
Other than the obvious indication that he has completely given up and is now just in it purely for the lulz, Ted Cruz's selection of Carly FieryPenis makes perfect sense. No matter how effective of a President you may think you will be, you always want your Vice President to be a less appealing option than yourself so people are less tempted to shoot you. Unfortunately for Ted Cruz, the list of people less appealing than Ted Cruz falls pretty short, and one of the top picks is currently crushing him in the Republican primary. When compared to Ted Cruz in a recent survey that I just made up, Skynet was rated higher than Ted Cruz for at least making the trains run on time, and a video of a chicken hatchery set to Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" was found to be easier to watch than five minutes of Ted Cruz talking.
Of course, this primary Vice Presidential vetting criterion begs the question who Donald Trump might eventually choose as his Vice Presidential running mate. There are the obvious possibilities of either the undead shell of the former Chris Christie or Ben "Sleepy" Carson, both of whom are pretty far up Donald Trump's posterior. We could always entertain the idea of Sarah Palin, but I don't think even Trump is stupid enough to choose the one person more likely to tank his campaign faster than a close facsimile of Sarah Palin. It's far more likely Donald Trump would choose either a life-size cardboard standee of Donald Trump, a mirror, or that terrifying, bronze Lucille Ball statue in New York because it looks a slightly like him, if you squint.
However, I can think of no single person more fitting to crown this side show of utter ridiculousness the Trump campaign has transformed the 2016 Presidential election into than Ted Nugent. Donald Trump is a former reality TV star turned armchair politician with a questionable record of demonstrable business acumen and no real justification for his level of popularity. Ted Nugent is a former rock star turned badly misguided political mouthpiece with mediocre guitar skills and absolutely no excuse for his level of popularity.
With Ted Nugent as his running mate, Donald Trump could finally get a musician to approve of the music he plays at his rallies. He could walk out on stage to the opening guitar licks of "Stranglehold," which as a song is a perfect description of what Donald Trump is doing to the Republican Party right now. These two massive egos must team up to dominate the election. The only downside is, together, they might actually be able to win.