Mitch McConnell Is Now America's Least-Deserving Taxpayer Assistance Recipient
I have a theory that the more people you add to any decision-making process, the more impossible it becomes to make a decision. If you're by yourself, you can get out of bed, choose your own clothes, decide what you want to eat, drive to that place and eat that thing pretty easily, right? Now add your spouse to the equation and you're texting "idk" back and forth for forty-five minutes before deciding on a Chili's because at that point the risk of death is a welcomed alternative, then you complain about having to change out of your pajamas. If there are three or more people involved, you'd better just hope one of you is assertive enough to tell everyone else what they're hungry for, otherwise you might just have to resort to eating each other like that movie "Alive," or that other movie "The Donners' Holiday Special."
The United States government is kind of like the third example, only instead of just three people trying to figure out where to eat, (and possibly how to dress each other, I guess, but I didn't really get into that much detail), the United States government is more like hundreds of thousands of people trying to figure out what to do with the hundreds of millions of people who honestly believe they have any say in the matter. People often get frustrated with the tremendous speed and efficiency at which our government constantly fails to perform, demanding Senators to (Hashtag) Do Their Job, but the truth is the Senators are doing the best they can...trying to figure out how the chamber doors work.
The United States government moves so slowly that it took nearly a full century after declaring that "all men are created equal" for the government to come to the rather obvious conclusion that human beings owning other human beings kind of contradicts that premise, and it took ANOTHER full century after THAT to decide that the human beings we once OWNED are actually HUMAN BEINGS, and they are still TO THIS DAY, more than ANOTHER HALF-CENTURY after THAT, struggling to be recognized as equals like the Founding Fathers tell us they should have been in the first place.
The United States Senate, in particular, moves so slowly that its current majority leader and mascot, Mitch McConnell, literally looks like the tortoise in the Bugs Bunny cartoons where he races the tortoise. (Bugs Bunny, not Mitch McConnell, because as funny as it might be in theory to consider who would win in a race between Mitch McConnell and an actual tortoise, in practice I don't think anybody would want to see Mitch McConnell in running shorts.) I know Jon Stewart has already famously made the comparison, but I'm pretty sure there's a hefty fine for satirists who invoke the name of Mitch McConnell without making any form of turtle reference. Mitch McConnell looks more like a turtle than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who actually ARE human turtles.
Okay, now that I've gotten the obligatory Mitch-McConnell-looks-like-a-turtle jokes out of the way, I can move on to the topic at hand and get to the actual point, unlike the United States Senate which will vote on a resolution to consider a vote to approve a future vote to obstruct a vote to repeal the topic at hand and any related points sometime after the elections, because Americans should have a voice in choosing the topics at hand and the actual point of said aforementioned topics.
Last month, Supreme Court Justice and known jiggery-pokery argle-bargler Antonin Scalia finally succumbed to a fatal battle with his pillow, leaving behind not only a litany of grieving family and friends, but a very significant Supreme Court vacancy. Prior to this vacancy, the Supreme Court was comprised of nine Justices: Scalia, Ginsberg, Thomas, Sneezy, Dopey, Stinky, Larry, His Brother Darryl, and His Other Brother Darryl. The Supreme Court was set up in a way to guarantee a tie could never happen. Until now. There are only eight Justices, which means if a verdict reaches a tie, I'm sure there's a Constitutional provision somewhere that tells us what to do. Presumably rock, paper, scissors, best two out of three.
In less time than it would take for the body to get cold, sad-clown-without-makeup Ted Cruz was first to jump on the Internet's second most widely-used forum for awful people, Twitter, to announce that Senate should wait until after the election to approve any replacement for the vacant Supreme Court seat. Seeing this as a perfect opportunity to contradict his own words a decade ago for political convenience, Senate Majority Leader Mitch "Neck Pouch" McConnell quickly jumped on the bandwagon with a definitive "Ah-hyup!"
Last week, Utah Republican Orrin Hatch (Seriously? Where do they get these names?) dropped the name of a man he thought Obama could "easily name" because he is "a fine man." Orrin Hatch is not only a man whose name sounds like a euphemism for sex in the Navy, but he is also the longest serving Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, so of course President Obama automatically nominated the one man the longest serving Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee suggested by name, Merrick Garland, because at this point President Obama absolutely does not give a fuck and is just trolling Congress.
Despite Merrick Garland being probably the most qualified criminal justice investigator and judge in the entire nation, Senate Majority Leader "Lipless" Mitch McConnell refused to even consider the nomination on the grounds that a) Merrick Garland sounds like the name of a wizard in a Dungeons & Dragons game, b) Merrick Garland sounds like his name is in reverse order, and c) "the American people should have a say in the [Supreme] Court's direction," (actual quote).
Mitch McConnell forgets, possibly due to his advanced tortoise age of 215, that the American people have already had a say in the Supreme Court's direction. The American people overwhelmingly chose Obama, twice. The American people, for some absurd reason, woke up one morning with a terrible hangover and realized they must've gotten blackout drunk and chose Mitch McBlobfish as a United States Senator.
At this point, Mitch McConnell is refusing to do his job on the grounds that somebody else should be doing his job, making him literally the nation's biggest and least-deserving recipient of taxpayer assistance. Perhaps by his own reasoning he should first submit to random drug testing as a welfare recipient, and then stop receiving government assistance until such time as he decides to do the work he was hired by the people of his state to do. Obama is doing his job by nominating a Supreme Court Justice. By refusing to even consider the nomination, Mitch McConnell has just proven himself lower than Obama.
If Mitch McConnell wants the American people to have a say in the Supreme Court's direction, the first thing the American people should do is FIRE MITCH MCCONNELL, the first chance that we get.