Its been long... far too long
I have to say that I haven't updated in quite some time. At times I hate this thing, others I love it. Its interesting how I find myself yearning to write and when I finally get here infront of this blank screen it all escapes me. I miss writing. I miss recording my life. While this place has seemed to become desolate of posters and other writers, some of who I cared about, some I didn't, I miss recording thoughts and feelings, its interesting. I find myself becoming distant to every one right now. Things arent how they used to be, but then again this is always a reoccurring issue. I am how ever happy to see that LJ has fixed the problem of right click spell check... its kinda nice.
Now getting to the hard part I guess. But lets start with me. I have to say that I have not been myself for quite some time, its not acceptable but it happened. Ive lost interest in things I used to love while becoming more encapsulated with other things. Ive lost touch with others and with myself. I havent gotten back in shape, I havent quit smoking, I havent gotten into graduate school, I havent finished the Ghia, I havent touched the mercedes, I havent cleaned my apartment, I have not become who I wanted to be. Thats a hard realization. The world owes me nothing. The world owes no one anything. Thats hard to swallow for sure. No one will do these things for me and few will or would be able to help. All I have is me to hold accountable. No more excuses for having other people intervene on my life, its bull shit and I wont accept it.
I just got out of a semi serious relationship with a girl. While I maintain a good amount of angst and anger on the situation I believe it is good for me. Its funny how it works out but I accept it. It has taught me a lot though. I am worried that I am developing a good amount of baggage though, but then again who doesnt have that to at least some extent. Now that I look back it was not healthy for me to be with her. She held me back in a lot of things, some things I held myself back because of her whether I wanted to or not, its not all her fault but a good bit my own. I learned about loving some one and being in love, they are two completely different things. I learned about being with some one, and being with some one all the time. Its not healthy, we need space, a concept that she refused to accept. I feel I was ensnared in the thought of what could be, the sensless hope of what "could be". Its a sticky trap and one you set for yourself. You can not change people and how they are. I have grown up quite a lot. I handled this relationship better then others, this doesnt mean I executed it flawlessly because Ive still got stuff I need to work on. Theres so much to do and its hard to look at the big picture. Women are funny and weird. Never forget that ever. While I was not exposed to the psychotic examples that I have had in the past, this past one still stung on other levels. I understand that women want to be special, they want to be able to do something for a guy that no other girl can. Its even more frustrating when they bring that fact to light over and over and over again. It becomes agonizing. Maybe one day I will find some one who does that over analyze everything I say to the nth degree and try to find some secret message that I have cleverly hidden. While it may come across that I am angry at her, Im not. Im upset for other reasons. Im not really that upset that she is either interested/seeing someone else. I have a bone to pick with how it went down. Long story short I was ready to be at this state back in November. Then she kept calling me and such. She was not ready for it thats for sure. I went to visit and hang out with her that next week and she broke down on me harder then a Ferrari with a thrown con rod. I was there for her, I held her, I talked her through, I embraced her and showed I cared for her. Then things continued on as not in a relationship but as just dating. After this we continued to see each other on fairly often occasions including Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have Christmas eve dinner with her family including my own. Then last week happened. We stayed together one night and the next day she told me things are going to change. It was a blow in the sense that I hadnt expected that things would change indefinitely, she said we were going to split ways. It didn't bother me a whole lot but it did a little. Enter this week and a talk with Geoff. Apparently I am blind now and not very cognizant of how things were going down this whole time. Apparently I was holding onto her while she pushed away. Maybe I missed the fine print some where. Then to top it off shes either interested/seeing another person. Its just frustrating. To be sucked in then spat out at a time thats right for you... and that bothers me a lot. It bothered me a lot last night but this pain feels good.
Pain... I know the definition but its a little bit different in this sense. This pain feels good, it is freeing and cold, like walking outside when the air is so cold and it burns your lungs. Its crisp and sharp. It is motivating and eye opening. I love the feeling of anger in this sense. Its so empowering and liberating. To have feelings of disgust. It probably sounds like Im a swollen pissed pig right now but look past that. Look into the fact that its making me change my life, its giving me power to focus on self improvement, to hope that I can achieve something more in my life. Its making me see differently, feel differently, act differently. Im still the same person, just much more determined to see things through, to work for them, to sweat blood and tears.
Angles do exist. I dont care what others say they do. Its much like the fact that some say the antichrist is not a person but a collective thought that happen upon people. Ashmo and Randall still continue to teach me to this day. Some of them painful lessons that I must apply if I am to get to where I need to be. They are on a level so much higher above me in the hard areas of life its amazing. They are not godly in this sense, but loving and caring, so I guess to a certain point yes they are godly but not in the common way. I love them.
This has been harder then I thought. Hopefully more to come. Ive been on a diet for 2 weeks. Need to start working out. It will happen next week. As for tonight Im going home to clean and organize the apartment for once, its getting bad. And a grocery run.
out
Now getting to the hard part I guess. But lets start with me. I have to say that I have not been myself for quite some time, its not acceptable but it happened. Ive lost interest in things I used to love while becoming more encapsulated with other things. Ive lost touch with others and with myself. I havent gotten back in shape, I havent quit smoking, I havent gotten into graduate school, I havent finished the Ghia, I havent touched the mercedes, I havent cleaned my apartment, I have not become who I wanted to be. Thats a hard realization. The world owes me nothing. The world owes no one anything. Thats hard to swallow for sure. No one will do these things for me and few will or would be able to help. All I have is me to hold accountable. No more excuses for having other people intervene on my life, its bull shit and I wont accept it.
I just got out of a semi serious relationship with a girl. While I maintain a good amount of angst and anger on the situation I believe it is good for me. Its funny how it works out but I accept it. It has taught me a lot though. I am worried that I am developing a good amount of baggage though, but then again who doesnt have that to at least some extent. Now that I look back it was not healthy for me to be with her. She held me back in a lot of things, some things I held myself back because of her whether I wanted to or not, its not all her fault but a good bit my own. I learned about loving some one and being in love, they are two completely different things. I learned about being with some one, and being with some one all the time. Its not healthy, we need space, a concept that she refused to accept. I feel I was ensnared in the thought of what could be, the sensless hope of what "could be". Its a sticky trap and one you set for yourself. You can not change people and how they are. I have grown up quite a lot. I handled this relationship better then others, this doesnt mean I executed it flawlessly because Ive still got stuff I need to work on. Theres so much to do and its hard to look at the big picture. Women are funny and weird. Never forget that ever. While I was not exposed to the psychotic examples that I have had in the past, this past one still stung on other levels. I understand that women want to be special, they want to be able to do something for a guy that no other girl can. Its even more frustrating when they bring that fact to light over and over and over again. It becomes agonizing. Maybe one day I will find some one who does that over analyze everything I say to the nth degree and try to find some secret message that I have cleverly hidden. While it may come across that I am angry at her, Im not. Im upset for other reasons. Im not really that upset that she is either interested/seeing someone else. I have a bone to pick with how it went down. Long story short I was ready to be at this state back in November. Then she kept calling me and such. She was not ready for it thats for sure. I went to visit and hang out with her that next week and she broke down on me harder then a Ferrari with a thrown con rod. I was there for her, I held her, I talked her through, I embraced her and showed I cared for her. Then things continued on as not in a relationship but as just dating. After this we continued to see each other on fairly often occasions including Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have Christmas eve dinner with her family including my own. Then last week happened. We stayed together one night and the next day she told me things are going to change. It was a blow in the sense that I hadnt expected that things would change indefinitely, she said we were going to split ways. It didn't bother me a whole lot but it did a little. Enter this week and a talk with Geoff. Apparently I am blind now and not very cognizant of how things were going down this whole time. Apparently I was holding onto her while she pushed away. Maybe I missed the fine print some where. Then to top it off shes either interested/seeing another person. Its just frustrating. To be sucked in then spat out at a time thats right for you... and that bothers me a lot. It bothered me a lot last night but this pain feels good.
Pain... I know the definition but its a little bit different in this sense. This pain feels good, it is freeing and cold, like walking outside when the air is so cold and it burns your lungs. Its crisp and sharp. It is motivating and eye opening. I love the feeling of anger in this sense. Its so empowering and liberating. To have feelings of disgust. It probably sounds like Im a swollen pissed pig right now but look past that. Look into the fact that its making me change my life, its giving me power to focus on self improvement, to hope that I can achieve something more in my life. Its making me see differently, feel differently, act differently. Im still the same person, just much more determined to see things through, to work for them, to sweat blood and tears.
Angles do exist. I dont care what others say they do. Its much like the fact that some say the antichrist is not a person but a collective thought that happen upon people. Ashmo and Randall still continue to teach me to this day. Some of them painful lessons that I must apply if I am to get to where I need to be. They are on a level so much higher above me in the hard areas of life its amazing. They are not godly in this sense, but loving and caring, so I guess to a certain point yes they are godly but not in the common way. I love them.
This has been harder then I thought. Hopefully more to come. Ive been on a diet for 2 weeks. Need to start working out. It will happen next week. As for tonight Im going home to clean and organize the apartment for once, its getting bad. And a grocery run.
out