Some things...
I havent had this desire to just write things out in a very long time, and tonight, well, tonight is the night I guess.
Im going to graduate this semester with a BIND, or a Bachelor's of Industrial Design. A person that is a Bachelor is a person that has attended a higher form of education, is presumably smart, and is also single. I guess I got the higher education down, and def single, but the being smart, well I guess you can decide that on your own.
The past weeks have been really weird and stressful on so many levels. Last time I wrote, it was filled with chaos, hate, and anger. I could be very well doing the exact same style right now, but Im not. I did meet that amazing girl for coffee, and thats where she got me, right where Randall Proposed to Ashmo. Sad thing is, I liked her for all the right reasons. I kept in contact some of the time, we chatted, I enjoyed it, awkward good byes, and the taste of wanting nothing but more. Well, I think the answer to my question has been answered, very faintly but I understand now. This yearning to meet some one special has become nothing but a pain in the ass, and a let down more than anything. Its easy for your head to say stop giving a damn, but the heart and soul keep saying what if, keep searching, you'll find it soon. I liked her for a multitude of things, her smile, her sad eyes, her style, her presence, her faith, her humor, her sincerity, her interesting attire, her conversation, her hair, her kindness... you get the idea. But then again I realize that if that perfect special person dropped right before me, then I wouldn't give it the time, effort, dedication, and love that they deserve. I think there is something in that and is what ultimately feeds my desire to find that person and the saddening and gut wrenching idea that maybe it will come true, sadly my mind laughs and states in such an annoying authoritative/crass/condescending tone that it will never happen and takes pleasure in my own depressing situation. I do remain some what up beat, but I come to realize that the cards are stacked against me. Women make it known when they are into you, and in this case at hand weakens at every passing of every second. She loves to write too. I wonder if she were to read this, would she be able to see past the mistake in this paragraph written at 12:50 am much like if she could see past my mistakes and problems as a person and still like me. She tells me to call her to get coffee so I can return her Beck CD that she traded me after she returned my Cake CD. And of all things that happen, Kate shows up, and makes it awkward as hell. I have called her twice, the first time missing my call at which she returns a message telling me "maybe next time", I return the call again 4 days later at which I have heard nothing from since then, how ever the irony gets me at when I run into her tonight with a good friend of mine. Its hard to hold my tongue and not sound like an ass, but this is where my question of if ands and buts start to slowly trickle blood and begin to gasp for breath as they die... wow that was kind of morbid, what ever. The only thing Ive heard from her between the 4 days was when she was stuck in the mud at which she needed serious help, we went out and got her out, at which it was then she told me about swing dancing, I would love to dance with her, but this lack of regard or rather the idea that it is evident that she has no interest nor time to call is beginning to negate that silly desire now to nothing. This whole ordeal is nothing but silliness, I wish I could find a way to put it to an end and just forget about the damn thing.
I was told by a drunk hookup / booty call that I cared too much about people, cared what they thought, and invested in them too much all together. She doesn't believe in the Almighty which is not meant to discredit her, but it does make me take anything discussed with her with a grain of salt. Maybe I should become some one who cares nothing, its so much easier to not get hurt or upset, but then again, what would be the point of believing in the Almighty, we do it to him every damn day. I wish I could understand and put myself above that, put myself above this trying to figure stupid trivial things such as this questioning of the if ands or buts, and just be happy.
On a much brighter note, I have sold all my student tickets and will be purchasing a set of Dellorto Carburetors for the ghia, which runs hot right now due to the carb being older than dirt but I hope once these things are together with a good set of carbs it will run sweet and a tad bit faster, I might even get some 36-38 mpg too :) I do remain hopeful though that I can get this thing going well.
From a post/event that happened yesterday that I dont feel like doctoring up right now for here...
"So I hop in my taco(ma) and I go to the gas station to fuel up. Im in a decent mood and what not. As I pull up and get out, I look to the 4 way intersection the the gas station was at and what in the hell do I see. Two vws, non fatchik,
one being a SLAMMED later Splitty that was og'd out, rust spots on dove blue, and right next to it a MINT cyber green 63 standard height. So I walk past the pumps and some kid almost hits me in his 2000 something Mercedes but fuck that, Im on a fucking mission casue vws in general are rarer then hens teeth around here for the most part. I cross the perpendicular street (didnt almost get hit) and must have looked like a creeper and ogled the two vws sitting side by side on the white line at the stop light. Im really checking out the slammed bus which was farthest away and Im digging it. I then start eying the cyber green 63 right there. Freshly painted, not lowered, Antique Vehicle Tag, well taken care off, pretty tight... Then I notice its a chick in it... she looks really hot, and then I see her face, and thats when my week gets fucked
turns out the chick that was driving the beetle was a girl I met down here freshman year, I took her out to coffee once and never really mentioned the car addiction that I had had since ohhh, age 13 (dont like mentioning I have a car addiction, I guess I think it means I appear materialistic/shallow, you know how women are) but I sooooo wish I had. I was skittish about asking her out again / keeping my options open, we met in history blahh blahh, she contacted me a couple of times later and was totally interested
I do have one single way of contacting her (I know her full name which I could zing her an email due to Auburn's email system) as shes still here at school... but I dont know if that would be super creepy or not "
Im too mixed up and edgy to decide if I still care that I fucked up... but I do know that right now if things were at the point were I was with some one and I fucked up, and they forgave me and still loved me (other than my parents) then I would be happy... I guess that goes back to the whole thing of love, and how you don't deserve it some times, and that time some one gave me the honest and perfect answer to why they loved me, and I can still hear their voice saying it "because you are you"
So Im going to home now, and pass out
6 hr sleeping schedules suck
game this weekend
and hopefully mailing off a money order so I can fix my car... yet again
Im going to graduate this semester with a BIND, or a Bachelor's of Industrial Design. A person that is a Bachelor is a person that has attended a higher form of education, is presumably smart, and is also single. I guess I got the higher education down, and def single, but the being smart, well I guess you can decide that on your own.
The past weeks have been really weird and stressful on so many levels. Last time I wrote, it was filled with chaos, hate, and anger. I could be very well doing the exact same style right now, but Im not. I did meet that amazing girl for coffee, and thats where she got me, right where Randall Proposed to Ashmo. Sad thing is, I liked her for all the right reasons. I kept in contact some of the time, we chatted, I enjoyed it, awkward good byes, and the taste of wanting nothing but more. Well, I think the answer to my question has been answered, very faintly but I understand now. This yearning to meet some one special has become nothing but a pain in the ass, and a let down more than anything. Its easy for your head to say stop giving a damn, but the heart and soul keep saying what if, keep searching, you'll find it soon. I liked her for a multitude of things, her smile, her sad eyes, her style, her presence, her faith, her humor, her sincerity, her interesting attire, her conversation, her hair, her kindness... you get the idea. But then again I realize that if that perfect special person dropped right before me, then I wouldn't give it the time, effort, dedication, and love that they deserve. I think there is something in that and is what ultimately feeds my desire to find that person and the saddening and gut wrenching idea that maybe it will come true, sadly my mind laughs and states in such an annoying authoritative/crass/condescending tone that it will never happen and takes pleasure in my own depressing situation. I do remain some what up beat, but I come to realize that the cards are stacked against me. Women make it known when they are into you, and in this case at hand weakens at every passing of every second. She loves to write too. I wonder if she were to read this, would she be able to see past the mistake in this paragraph written at 12:50 am much like if she could see past my mistakes and problems as a person and still like me. She tells me to call her to get coffee so I can return her Beck CD that she traded me after she returned my Cake CD. And of all things that happen, Kate shows up, and makes it awkward as hell. I have called her twice, the first time missing my call at which she returns a message telling me "maybe next time", I return the call again 4 days later at which I have heard nothing from since then, how ever the irony gets me at when I run into her tonight with a good friend of mine. Its hard to hold my tongue and not sound like an ass, but this is where my question of if ands and buts start to slowly trickle blood and begin to gasp for breath as they die... wow that was kind of morbid, what ever. The only thing Ive heard from her between the 4 days was when she was stuck in the mud at which she needed serious help, we went out and got her out, at which it was then she told me about swing dancing, I would love to dance with her, but this lack of regard or rather the idea that it is evident that she has no interest nor time to call is beginning to negate that silly desire now to nothing. This whole ordeal is nothing but silliness, I wish I could find a way to put it to an end and just forget about the damn thing.
I was told by a drunk hookup / booty call that I cared too much about people, cared what they thought, and invested in them too much all together. She doesn't believe in the Almighty which is not meant to discredit her, but it does make me take anything discussed with her with a grain of salt. Maybe I should become some one who cares nothing, its so much easier to not get hurt or upset, but then again, what would be the point of believing in the Almighty, we do it to him every damn day. I wish I could understand and put myself above that, put myself above this trying to figure stupid trivial things such as this questioning of the if ands or buts, and just be happy.
On a much brighter note, I have sold all my student tickets and will be purchasing a set of Dellorto Carburetors for the ghia, which runs hot right now due to the carb being older than dirt but I hope once these things are together with a good set of carbs it will run sweet and a tad bit faster, I might even get some 36-38 mpg too :) I do remain hopeful though that I can get this thing going well.
From a post/event that happened yesterday that I dont feel like doctoring up right now for here...
"So I hop in my taco(ma) and I go to the gas station to fuel up. Im in a decent mood and what not. As I pull up and get out, I look to the 4 way intersection the the gas station was at and what in the hell do I see. Two vws, non fatchik,
one being a SLAMMED later Splitty that was og'd out, rust spots on dove blue, and right next to it a MINT cyber green 63 standard height. So I walk past the pumps and some kid almost hits me in his 2000 something Mercedes but fuck that, Im on a fucking mission casue vws in general are rarer then hens teeth around here for the most part. I cross the perpendicular street (didnt almost get hit) and must have looked like a creeper and ogled the two vws sitting side by side on the white line at the stop light. Im really checking out the slammed bus which was farthest away and Im digging it. I then start eying the cyber green 63 right there. Freshly painted, not lowered, Antique Vehicle Tag, well taken care off, pretty tight... Then I notice its a chick in it... she looks really hot, and then I see her face, and thats when my week gets fucked
turns out the chick that was driving the beetle was a girl I met down here freshman year, I took her out to coffee once and never really mentioned the car addiction that I had had since ohhh, age 13 (dont like mentioning I have a car addiction, I guess I think it means I appear materialistic/shallow, you know how women are) but I sooooo wish I had. I was skittish about asking her out again / keeping my options open, we met in history blahh blahh, she contacted me a couple of times later and was totally interested
I do have one single way of contacting her (I know her full name which I could zing her an email due to Auburn's email system) as shes still here at school... but I dont know if that would be super creepy or not "
Im too mixed up and edgy to decide if I still care that I fucked up... but I do know that right now if things were at the point were I was with some one and I fucked up, and they forgave me and still loved me (other than my parents) then I would be happy... I guess that goes back to the whole thing of love, and how you don't deserve it some times, and that time some one gave me the honest and perfect answer to why they loved me, and I can still hear their voice saying it "because you are you"
So Im going to home now, and pass out
6 hr sleeping schedules suck
game this weekend
and hopefully mailing off a money order so I can fix my car... yet again