(no subject)
This may or may not be my last post before going friends only.
Does anyone else ever feel like they haven't suffered enough? Like they don't deserve what they have- like they shouldn't deserve what they have?
There's are time when I truly believe this is the basis of my problems. About a year ago, I was young, and naive, and cut my wrists because I felt I needed punishment. I figured there were people with far less, who were far better people. I screamed at myself inside my head that I should be thrown on the street, live alone, injured and starving, and cold; deep down I knew even then I wouldn't be satisfyed. I realized cutting was the stupidest thing ever- it would get me nowhere- worse- it would get me pity. I stopped screaming at myself too. Well... at least I thought I did.
I want to be stabbed, shot, abused, but not so much that I die. No, enough so that I can live in misery.
I want to be robbed and choked and blinded, because there are times when I'm glad of what I have, but also times when I don't want any of it.
I want to be raped, and broken, and slapped. And sometimes I get confused whether of not all this is something to live by, or just a twisted sexual fantasy.
I want these things because I don't fear them anymore- or vice versa. Somehow, I got in my head a tragedy would make me a better person. That these selfish things would in turn make me selfless.
Yet among all this certainty, I'm confused. I want to break down and cry, but not because of this. I actually don't know why. Perhaps because I thought I knew everything.
Edit:
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
Wow. That cheered me right up.
Edit numero two: OMFG DIPMEINCHOCALTE I GOT INTO GD_ASSHOLES!!! *is way more happy than she should be* YES YES YES YES! I am now a CERTIFIED geek. *dawns Bill Nye Glasses* And I'm off to make people jealous, yes.
Does anyone else ever feel like they haven't suffered enough? Like they don't deserve what they have- like they shouldn't deserve what they have?
There's are time when I truly believe this is the basis of my problems. About a year ago, I was young, and naive, and cut my wrists because I felt I needed punishment. I figured there were people with far less, who were far better people. I screamed at myself inside my head that I should be thrown on the street, live alone, injured and starving, and cold; deep down I knew even then I wouldn't be satisfyed. I realized cutting was the stupidest thing ever- it would get me nowhere- worse- it would get me pity. I stopped screaming at myself too. Well... at least I thought I did.
I want to be stabbed, shot, abused, but not so much that I die. No, enough so that I can live in misery.
I want to be robbed and choked and blinded, because there are times when I'm glad of what I have, but also times when I don't want any of it.
I want to be raped, and broken, and slapped. And sometimes I get confused whether of not all this is something to live by, or just a twisted sexual fantasy.
I want these things because I don't fear them anymore- or vice versa. Somehow, I got in my head a tragedy would make me a better person. That these selfish things would in turn make me selfless.
Yet among all this certainty, I'm confused. I want to break down and cry, but not because of this. I actually don't know why. Perhaps because I thought I knew everything.
Edit:
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
Wow. That cheered me right up.
Edit numero two: OMFG DIPMEINCHOCALTE I GOT INTO GD_ASSHOLES!!! *is way more happy than she should be* YES YES YES YES! I am now a CERTIFIED geek. *dawns Bill Nye Glasses* And I'm off to make people jealous, yes.