"or whatever..."
i'm supposed to be studying, because I have a final at 8 in the morning and have so so so much to read.
I know I was able to get away with not reading and missing lectures for the last exam, but that was only 1:15 worth of writing, and this is 3 hrs... its much harder to have to bs your way through a 3hr exam!
but im much to exhausted...emotionally drained to want to concentrate. to care enough. I always procrastinate, but this is more than that. its just a tired feeling, of just wanting to curl up in bed, under the warmth of covers and a night of rest where you dont have to think about how people will react, what they'll say or how they'll see you differently.
we talked in the car after going to target and I would just stare at the speedometer, at the dashboard of the car. sometimes feeling sad, sometimes just angry. i always knew it would be difficult. somehow i knew it would be so hard, so exhausting. i didnt really think why or how but i just knew it. i guess i felt it and that was why i always avoided it.
she's trying, i know she is but sometimes she says things that upset me. that dissapoint me and that make me realize that even someone as open and loving as she is, can still fall into the same logic that the worst of them have, the same thoughts the same questions, those same constraints.
and sometimes it even seems contradicting, the things she says. i hate that this even has to be a big deal. that its an "issue." that its a "problem" we'll just have to work through and manage. that it becomes something people are willing to look past as if its a defect, an error some sort of imperfection that isnt ideal, but manageable...of course if you're lucky enough to have people who are willing to work through it all the way through.
i dont like that i have to worry about maybe finding somwhere to stay "in the meantime" (because he may just dissapoint you like he did in the past). and the worry isnt in the finding and the looking, because there would be somewhere, but that fact that it would even come to that. that it would even be possible to think in that way. it may not be as bad as he was, but it would still be sad.and it just wouldnt be okay.
i dont think it hurts me as much as it upsets me with him.
but maybe you are just worrying to much. although now its just made me worry too. what about my dogs? i thought of that, and if there would be as much willingness to take care of them and love them. but i didnt ask. there's was already a bit much going on.
is it dumb that i just want to go into the bathroom so i can cry?
even though its not that bad. not that bad because you are here and talking and asking and accepting.
and thats why i wish you were here b, to remind me that we're going to be okay. because even though i know it, it feels so much better when you're actually here to say it and then give me a big big hug which feels like it can make anything go away.
we slept under the stars (kind of) since we stayed out on the balcony. It was cold at first but it felt so nice to see the sky, and i saw it start to change colors when the morning began to creep in. i didnt wake up during the night once, and that rock hard futon that i hated so much before felt as soft and comfortable as any other bed i have slept on.
my mom leaves tomorrow and will be back on saturday with dad and grandma for the grad.
sophia will be here on wednesday and im really looking forward to allie's party that day. we all are. this little family we have here. im going to miss all of them. all of us living under the same roof, sharing food and ideas and jokes and so much love.
a despeito de
life is better...
I know I was able to get away with not reading and missing lectures for the last exam, but that was only 1:15 worth of writing, and this is 3 hrs... its much harder to have to bs your way through a 3hr exam!
but im much to exhausted...emotionally drained to want to concentrate. to care enough. I always procrastinate, but this is more than that. its just a tired feeling, of just wanting to curl up in bed, under the warmth of covers and a night of rest where you dont have to think about how people will react, what they'll say or how they'll see you differently.
we talked in the car after going to target and I would just stare at the speedometer, at the dashboard of the car. sometimes feeling sad, sometimes just angry. i always knew it would be difficult. somehow i knew it would be so hard, so exhausting. i didnt really think why or how but i just knew it. i guess i felt it and that was why i always avoided it.
she's trying, i know she is but sometimes she says things that upset me. that dissapoint me and that make me realize that even someone as open and loving as she is, can still fall into the same logic that the worst of them have, the same thoughts the same questions, those same constraints.
and sometimes it even seems contradicting, the things she says. i hate that this even has to be a big deal. that its an "issue." that its a "problem" we'll just have to work through and manage. that it becomes something people are willing to look past as if its a defect, an error some sort of imperfection that isnt ideal, but manageable...of course if you're lucky enough to have people who are willing to work through it all the way through.
i dont like that i have to worry about maybe finding somwhere to stay "in the meantime" (because he may just dissapoint you like he did in the past). and the worry isnt in the finding and the looking, because there would be somewhere, but that fact that it would even come to that. that it would even be possible to think in that way. it may not be as bad as he was, but it would still be sad.and it just wouldnt be okay.
i dont think it hurts me as much as it upsets me with him.
but maybe you are just worrying to much. although now its just made me worry too. what about my dogs? i thought of that, and if there would be as much willingness to take care of them and love them. but i didnt ask. there's was already a bit much going on.
is it dumb that i just want to go into the bathroom so i can cry?
even though its not that bad. not that bad because you are here and talking and asking and accepting.
and thats why i wish you were here b, to remind me that we're going to be okay. because even though i know it, it feels so much better when you're actually here to say it and then give me a big big hug which feels like it can make anything go away.
we slept under the stars (kind of) since we stayed out on the balcony. It was cold at first but it felt so nice to see the sky, and i saw it start to change colors when the morning began to creep in. i didnt wake up during the night once, and that rock hard futon that i hated so much before felt as soft and comfortable as any other bed i have slept on.
my mom leaves tomorrow and will be back on saturday with dad and grandma for the grad.
sophia will be here on wednesday and im really looking forward to allie's party that day. we all are. this little family we have here. im going to miss all of them. all of us living under the same roof, sharing food and ideas and jokes and so much love.
a despeito de
life is better...