my jake & amir script contest entries. . .
for anyone who might give a shit (and most of you probably shouldn't), these are the three scripts i submitted to the jake & amir script contest:
Jake and Amir: Identity
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Amir: (late for work, rushes in taking off his shoulder bag) Sorry! Sorry!
Jake: Where the hell've you been? Our meeting with Ricky is in like five minutes!
Amir: I was up all night crunching the numbers for the meeting like you asked.
Jake: What're you talking about? What "numbers"? This meeting is about you pinning down Pat to fart in his face and accidentally dropping a load! And, now that I think about it, I would never ask you to do anything with numbers. Ever.
Amir: Uh, doi, the numbers to check the feasibility of the upcoming projected cost overruns based on the actuarial tables generated by the algorithms i developed last week?
Jake: (blank stare, head tilted, furrowed brow, jaw open)
Amir: (pulling out a legal pad and handing it to Jake) Here, these numbers. I think Ricky's gonna be happy.
Jake: (looking at the legal pad that just has a big "8" written on it) Eight?! (holds out his hands in a "what the hell?" manner)
Amir: Eigh- Hey! What're you doing with my credit card number?! (snatches back the legal pad)
Jake: First of all, that's not a credit card number, and two, what the hell is that?
Amir: Uh, *one*, why are you idonkity thieving me, and *b*, what?
Jake: a) I think you mean "identity thieving" and b) I don't think that's actually how you say it.
Amir: How would you like it if I stole your i'drathernotb...
Jake: Identity
Amir: Identity! Here, I'll identity thieve you right now and give you a taste of your own mediseeingeyedog. (takes off his glasses)
Jake: Medicine, and what are you doing?
Amir: I am now Jake.
Pat: (Pat walks up to glassless amir) Hey Jake, did you get those numbers for the meeting?
Jake (speechless and incredulous)
Amir: (deepening his voice in a lame Jake impersonation) Why yes Pat, here you go. (hands the legal pad to Pat)
Pat: Awesome! Oh yeah, these figures look great! (walks off looking at the pad)
Jake: What the hell was that? (Sarah walks up and Jake tries to look cool) Oh, hey, sarah.
Sarah: Uh, hey. (turns to glassless amir) Hey Jake, I've been thinking about it and you were right - "Where the Wild Things Are" *is* kind of a gay-ass book.
Jake: (speechless and incredulous)
Amir: (still doing a lame Jake impersonation, glancing at jake) Uh, Amir is my bbf.
Sarah: (to amir) Dinner tonight? I was thinking maybe we could hit the D and get some McNuggets.
Amir: (speechless, eyes widening)
Jake: (jerks awake at his desk) Oh man, I just had the weirdest dream.
Jake: (sitting at amir's desk but wearing amir's glasses and with amir's voice) Yeah? What was it about?
Amir: (jerks awake at his desk) Wow, I just had the chillest dream.
Amir: (sitting at jake's desk, no glasses, with jake's voice) That sounds ace. Dinner tonight?
Sam: (this was all Sam's dream so cut to him sleeping with his head on his desk, puddle of drool at his mouth (like in that one scene in ferris bueller), mumbling) mcnougats.
END.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Jake and Amir: Bubbles at the Border
-------
(Sam runs up to Amir to show him something unseen by the camera, Jake is wearing headphones, working, and ignoring Sam and Amir)
Sam and Amir: (giggling excitedly while looking at the mysterious item)
Jake: (fed up, pulls off headphones) Okay, what?
Amir: Y'know how everyone in the office thinks you're big loser? (Sam nods, Pat walks by and nods directly at the camera)
Jake: What? No they don't!
Amir: Ah, um, yeah they do. (Sam nods, Sarah walks by and nods directly at the camera) But forget all that! I've got something that should make you and I...
Sam: (pointing to himself)...and I...
Jake: It's "you and me".
Sam: (pointing to himself)...and me...
Amir: Yeah, grammar nazis aren't losers. (chuckles with Sam) Anyway, it should make *us* the cool kids.
Jake: What is it?
Amir: Droogs! (holds out a crumpled disgustoid teensy little baggie of something that could pass for drugs, for example, flour or rocksalt or rock candy)
Jake: What the hell?! (snatches the baggie then loudly whispers) Drugs don't make you cool, drugs screw up your life!
Amir: Uh, I don't think so, Bubbles on "The Powerpuff Girls" took drugs and became cool.
Jake: There was never an episode of powerpuff girls in which Bubbles took drugs and became cool.
Amir: Okay, so maybe it was Bubbles on "The Wire".
Jake: That's even worse! Drugs will mess up your life. (gets calm and very serious) You know what you need to do, right?
Amir: Poop?
Jake: No! You need to take this (shakes the baggie), go to the bathroom...
Amir: ...and poop?
Jake: and flush it down the toilet!
Sam: Ooooo, no, I don't think so.
Jake: What?!
Sam: If you flush drugs down the toilet, the alligators...
Amir: ...and crocodiles...
Sam: ...and crocodiles, thank you, will take them, get hopped up, and eat the ninja turtles.
Jake: First of all, alligators...
Amir: ...and crocodiles...
Jake: ...and crocodiles don't live in the sewers. And the ninja turtles were just a cartoon.
Amir: Really? (sam cocks his head to the side in a silent "really?")
Jake: But if you really care, just take this (shakes the baggie), go to the bathroom...
Amir: ...and poop?
Jake: ...and throw it into the garbage! Why do you keep bringing up pooping?!
Amir: 'cuz I pooped that out earlier today. Sam just pulled it out of my dook. (Sam proudly does that "job finished" motion with his hands)
Jake: Oh, jeez! (throws the baggie aside) Why was it in your poop?! Wait, I don't wanna know.
Amir: Well I got it in central park last week and I remembered from that episode of powerpuff girls that I had to swallow it to smuggle it across the border.
Jake: (counting off with his fingers) That was never in an episode of powerpuff girls, you didn't cross any border, and you swallowed it last week? It took you a week to pass that? You should see a doctor. Seriously. That's not normal.
Amir: It *is* normal, if you had to poop all this out in one sitting too (pulls out one or two of those large ziploc freezer bags *completely* packed with the drugs (i.e., the flour or rock salt or rock candy or whatever you end up using to depict the drugs)).
Jake: What the fu- (cut to black)
END.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Jake and Amir: Finders Keepers
-------
Jake: (walks up to his desk, takes off and puts down his bag, looks around his desk) Huh, weird. Hey, have you seen that bag of cookies I got from the vending machine? I left it right here next to my computer.
Amir: (eating from a bag of cookies) Nope.
Jake: (noticing Amir eating the cookies) Oh, okay, so those aren't my cookies?
Amir: (eating another cookie) Nope, they're mine. I found 'em.
Jake: And where exactly did you "find" them?
Amir: Not that it's any of your earswax, but I found 'em somewhere on some desk.
Jake: That's beeswax, and by "somewhere on some desk" do you mean here (points to the spot next to his computer where he left the cookies), on *my* desk?
Amir: Shyah, like bees make wax. (eats another cookie) Anyway, not giving a shit 'cuz it's the law.
Jake: What "law"?
Amir: The law of finders keepers. I'm afraid there's not much we can do about it.
Jake: Uh, *I'm* afraid "finders keepers" isn't so much a law as it is something that little kids do.
Amir: Uh, *I'm* afraid you're mistaken. How else do you explain why I haven't had to go to the grocery store since I started working here?
Jake: Yeah, I've always wondered about that. Where *do* you get your food from?
Amir: The fridge in the kitchen! It's awesome! I'm always finding food in there and it gets restocked every morning!
Jake: Wait, *you're* the lunch thief? We all beat up that one guy from accounting 'cuz we thought he...
Amir: (interrupting) And check out this awesome stapler I found! (holds up a stapler that has masking tape on the top with "JAKE" written on it)
Jake: Hey, I've been looking for that!
Amir: And this cool mug. (holds up a mug with masking tape on it that says "JAKE'S MUG" written on it)
Jake: Wait, are you the one who's been stealing all the stuff from my desk?
Amir: If by "stealing" you mean "finding", then yes, guilty as charged. (then quickly adds) but I'm not guilty of anything.
Jake: It's because of you that I've had to start locking my desk 24/7!
Amir: Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
Jake: Oh, really?
Amir: Yeah really. It's kind of rude.
Jake: It's rude? It's *rude*? You're stealing all of my stuff! How am *I* being rude?!
Amir: *Finding* your stuff. And it's rude 'cuz what if I need to get into your desk?
Jake: And why would you *ever* need to get into my desk? To get a TPS report cover sheet? 'Cuz there's a stack over there by the copier!
Amir: Psh, no! To get to the *porn* you have hidden *underneath* your TPS report cover sheets.
Jake: (embarrassed) I don't have, um, porn, hidden in my, uh, desk.
Amir: Not hidden very well at least. But just think of how well your Hustlers would look in this new bag I found! (holds up the bag Jake set down in the beginning of this skit).
Jake: (looks at the bag Amir's holding, looks down to where his bag used to be, looks back at Amir) Wait, that's *my* bag!
Amir: And check out my new computer that I found! (points to Jake's computer & 2nd monitor which, at the beginning of the skit was on Jake's desk but has now magically appeared on Amir's desk)
Jake: (looks at the empty spot on his desk where his computer & 2nd monitor used to be) How did you do that?
Amir: And what do you think of my new outfit? Pretty ace, yeah? (holds up the shirt and pants Jake was just wearing)
Jake: (looks down at his body to see that he's only wearing underpants, then, silently and pissed, looks up at Amir)
Amir: (silent with eyebrows raised in expectation of an approving comment from Jake)
Jake: Gimme my damn cookies!!! (lunges across the cubicle wall at Amir as we cut to black)
END.
Jake and Amir: Identity
-------
Amir: (late for work, rushes in taking off his shoulder bag) Sorry! Sorry!
Jake: Where the hell've you been? Our meeting with Ricky is in like five minutes!
Amir: I was up all night crunching the numbers for the meeting like you asked.
Jake: What're you talking about? What "numbers"? This meeting is about you pinning down Pat to fart in his face and accidentally dropping a load! And, now that I think about it, I would never ask you to do anything with numbers. Ever.
Amir: Uh, doi, the numbers to check the feasibility of the upcoming projected cost overruns based on the actuarial tables generated by the algorithms i developed last week?
Jake: (blank stare, head tilted, furrowed brow, jaw open)
Amir: (pulling out a legal pad and handing it to Jake) Here, these numbers. I think Ricky's gonna be happy.
Jake: (looking at the legal pad that just has a big "8" written on it) Eight?! (holds out his hands in a "what the hell?" manner)
Amir: Eigh- Hey! What're you doing with my credit card number?! (snatches back the legal pad)
Jake: First of all, that's not a credit card number, and two, what the hell is that?
Amir: Uh, *one*, why are you idonkity thieving me, and *b*, what?
Jake: a) I think you mean "identity thieving" and b) I don't think that's actually how you say it.
Amir: How would you like it if I stole your i'drathernotb...
Jake: Identity
Amir: Identity! Here, I'll identity thieve you right now and give you a taste of your own mediseeingeyedog. (takes off his glasses)
Jake: Medicine, and what are you doing?
Amir: I am now Jake.
Pat: (Pat walks up to glassless amir) Hey Jake, did you get those numbers for the meeting?
Jake (speechless and incredulous)
Amir: (deepening his voice in a lame Jake impersonation) Why yes Pat, here you go. (hands the legal pad to Pat)
Pat: Awesome! Oh yeah, these figures look great! (walks off looking at the pad)
Jake: What the hell was that? (Sarah walks up and Jake tries to look cool) Oh, hey, sarah.
Sarah: Uh, hey. (turns to glassless amir) Hey Jake, I've been thinking about it and you were right - "Where the Wild Things Are" *is* kind of a gay-ass book.
Jake: (speechless and incredulous)
Amir: (still doing a lame Jake impersonation, glancing at jake) Uh, Amir is my bbf.
Sarah: (to amir) Dinner tonight? I was thinking maybe we could hit the D and get some McNuggets.
Amir: (speechless, eyes widening)
Jake: (jerks awake at his desk) Oh man, I just had the weirdest dream.
Jake: (sitting at amir's desk but wearing amir's glasses and with amir's voice) Yeah? What was it about?
Amir: (jerks awake at his desk) Wow, I just had the chillest dream.
Amir: (sitting at jake's desk, no glasses, with jake's voice) That sounds ace. Dinner tonight?
Sam: (this was all Sam's dream so cut to him sleeping with his head on his desk, puddle of drool at his mouth (like in that one scene in ferris bueller), mumbling) mcnougats.
END.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Jake and Amir: Bubbles at the Border
-------
(Sam runs up to Amir to show him something unseen by the camera, Jake is wearing headphones, working, and ignoring Sam and Amir)
Sam and Amir: (giggling excitedly while looking at the mysterious item)
Jake: (fed up, pulls off headphones) Okay, what?
Amir: Y'know how everyone in the office thinks you're big loser? (Sam nods, Pat walks by and nods directly at the camera)
Jake: What? No they don't!
Amir: Ah, um, yeah they do. (Sam nods, Sarah walks by and nods directly at the camera) But forget all that! I've got something that should make you and I...
Sam: (pointing to himself)...and I...
Jake: It's "you and me".
Sam: (pointing to himself)...and me...
Amir: Yeah, grammar nazis aren't losers. (chuckles with Sam) Anyway, it should make *us* the cool kids.
Jake: What is it?
Amir: Droogs! (holds out a crumpled disgustoid teensy little baggie of something that could pass for drugs, for example, flour or rocksalt or rock candy)
Jake: What the hell?! (snatches the baggie then loudly whispers) Drugs don't make you cool, drugs screw up your life!
Amir: Uh, I don't think so, Bubbles on "The Powerpuff Girls" took drugs and became cool.
Jake: There was never an episode of powerpuff girls in which Bubbles took drugs and became cool.
Amir: Okay, so maybe it was Bubbles on "The Wire".
Jake: That's even worse! Drugs will mess up your life. (gets calm and very serious) You know what you need to do, right?
Amir: Poop?
Jake: No! You need to take this (shakes the baggie), go to the bathroom...
Amir: ...and poop?
Jake: and flush it down the toilet!
Sam: Ooooo, no, I don't think so.
Jake: What?!
Sam: If you flush drugs down the toilet, the alligators...
Amir: ...and crocodiles...
Sam: ...and crocodiles, thank you, will take them, get hopped up, and eat the ninja turtles.
Jake: First of all, alligators...
Amir: ...and crocodiles...
Jake: ...and crocodiles don't live in the sewers. And the ninja turtles were just a cartoon.
Amir: Really? (sam cocks his head to the side in a silent "really?")
Jake: But if you really care, just take this (shakes the baggie), go to the bathroom...
Amir: ...and poop?
Jake: ...and throw it into the garbage! Why do you keep bringing up pooping?!
Amir: 'cuz I pooped that out earlier today. Sam just pulled it out of my dook. (Sam proudly does that "job finished" motion with his hands)
Jake: Oh, jeez! (throws the baggie aside) Why was it in your poop?! Wait, I don't wanna know.
Amir: Well I got it in central park last week and I remembered from that episode of powerpuff girls that I had to swallow it to smuggle it across the border.
Jake: (counting off with his fingers) That was never in an episode of powerpuff girls, you didn't cross any border, and you swallowed it last week? It took you a week to pass that? You should see a doctor. Seriously. That's not normal.
Amir: It *is* normal, if you had to poop all this out in one sitting too (pulls out one or two of those large ziploc freezer bags *completely* packed with the drugs (i.e., the flour or rock salt or rock candy or whatever you end up using to depict the drugs)).
Jake: What the fu- (cut to black)
END.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Jake and Amir: Finders Keepers
-------
Jake: (walks up to his desk, takes off and puts down his bag, looks around his desk) Huh, weird. Hey, have you seen that bag of cookies I got from the vending machine? I left it right here next to my computer.
Amir: (eating from a bag of cookies) Nope.
Jake: (noticing Amir eating the cookies) Oh, okay, so those aren't my cookies?
Amir: (eating another cookie) Nope, they're mine. I found 'em.
Jake: And where exactly did you "find" them?
Amir: Not that it's any of your earswax, but I found 'em somewhere on some desk.
Jake: That's beeswax, and by "somewhere on some desk" do you mean here (points to the spot next to his computer where he left the cookies), on *my* desk?
Amir: Shyah, like bees make wax. (eats another cookie) Anyway, not giving a shit 'cuz it's the law.
Jake: What "law"?
Amir: The law of finders keepers. I'm afraid there's not much we can do about it.
Jake: Uh, *I'm* afraid "finders keepers" isn't so much a law as it is something that little kids do.
Amir: Uh, *I'm* afraid you're mistaken. How else do you explain why I haven't had to go to the grocery store since I started working here?
Jake: Yeah, I've always wondered about that. Where *do* you get your food from?
Amir: The fridge in the kitchen! It's awesome! I'm always finding food in there and it gets restocked every morning!
Jake: Wait, *you're* the lunch thief? We all beat up that one guy from accounting 'cuz we thought he...
Amir: (interrupting) And check out this awesome stapler I found! (holds up a stapler that has masking tape on the top with "JAKE" written on it)
Jake: Hey, I've been looking for that!
Amir: And this cool mug. (holds up a mug with masking tape on it that says "JAKE'S MUG" written on it)
Jake: Wait, are you the one who's been stealing all the stuff from my desk?
Amir: If by "stealing" you mean "finding", then yes, guilty as charged. (then quickly adds) but I'm not guilty of anything.
Jake: It's because of you that I've had to start locking my desk 24/7!
Amir: Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
Jake: Oh, really?
Amir: Yeah really. It's kind of rude.
Jake: It's rude? It's *rude*? You're stealing all of my stuff! How am *I* being rude?!
Amir: *Finding* your stuff. And it's rude 'cuz what if I need to get into your desk?
Jake: And why would you *ever* need to get into my desk? To get a TPS report cover sheet? 'Cuz there's a stack over there by the copier!
Amir: Psh, no! To get to the *porn* you have hidden *underneath* your TPS report cover sheets.
Jake: (embarrassed) I don't have, um, porn, hidden in my, uh, desk.
Amir: Not hidden very well at least. But just think of how well your Hustlers would look in this new bag I found! (holds up the bag Jake set down in the beginning of this skit).
Jake: (looks at the bag Amir's holding, looks down to where his bag used to be, looks back at Amir) Wait, that's *my* bag!
Amir: And check out my new computer that I found! (points to Jake's computer & 2nd monitor which, at the beginning of the skit was on Jake's desk but has now magically appeared on Amir's desk)
Jake: (looks at the empty spot on his desk where his computer & 2nd monitor used to be) How did you do that?
Amir: And what do you think of my new outfit? Pretty ace, yeah? (holds up the shirt and pants Jake was just wearing)
Jake: (looks down at his body to see that he's only wearing underpants, then, silently and pissed, looks up at Amir)
Amir: (silent with eyebrows raised in expectation of an approving comment from Jake)
Jake: Gimme my damn cookies!!! (lunges across the cubicle wall at Amir as we cut to black)
END.