This week I felt my life collapse.
Numerous times. My universe collided, only this time... it didnt rebuild itself like it has in the past.
I have to get this out of my insides. I have to delve you out of my lower stomach with a fish-hook; youre wrapped around my pelvis and my hope steals all the great escapes I plan out. I wrap my jacket around my waist in order to stow away the pain. It sticks to the sides of my abdomen and it explodes in great waves like its shocked it isnt able to get out.
Some french writer wrote that instead of evil being inside Pandora's box, it was hope. Hope kills all advancements in us; this is the knowledge I have gained through all of this. I have not learned anything but the mere fact that I will die again, and again, and again, by believing it so. Id will myself to let go if youd just stop saying you need me. Youre my hand, frozen on my lips when I see you at the piano at night, in the dark, fingers moving carefully over ivory until you cant stop stabbing the keys like its me. And I die, again and again and again and again.
on Friday I got sent to the office for my Quasi shirt. (it says "Hot Shit" on it and thats not appropriate for school.) They just gave me some yellow girls league shirt to wear the rest of the day. I didnt mind it. But when I was in my counselors office she was talking to me and I totally had an emotional breakdown. It was really... I dont know. weird, to put it simply. I just started bawling and I couldnt even figure out what was wrong. I couldnt figure it out because I dont know. I feel like Ive lost myself completely. I used to write entries about how everything made so much sense and everything was just going well. Now its like, nothing makes sense. I dont understand anything. I havent been acting like myself lately. I feel like Im schyzophrenic (sp?). Ive totally regressed into how I was at the beginning of this year. The one person Ive always hated the most. and it erks me. because now I know that I cant avoid it.
history will always repeat itself.
I have to get this out of my insides. I have to delve you out of my lower stomach with a fish-hook; youre wrapped around my pelvis and my hope steals all the great escapes I plan out. I wrap my jacket around my waist in order to stow away the pain. It sticks to the sides of my abdomen and it explodes in great waves like its shocked it isnt able to get out.
Some french writer wrote that instead of evil being inside Pandora's box, it was hope. Hope kills all advancements in us; this is the knowledge I have gained through all of this. I have not learned anything but the mere fact that I will die again, and again, and again, by believing it so. Id will myself to let go if youd just stop saying you need me. Youre my hand, frozen on my lips when I see you at the piano at night, in the dark, fingers moving carefully over ivory until you cant stop stabbing the keys like its me. And I die, again and again and again and again.
on Friday I got sent to the office for my Quasi shirt. (it says "Hot Shit" on it and thats not appropriate for school.) They just gave me some yellow girls league shirt to wear the rest of the day. I didnt mind it. But when I was in my counselors office she was talking to me and I totally had an emotional breakdown. It was really... I dont know. weird, to put it simply. I just started bawling and I couldnt even figure out what was wrong. I couldnt figure it out because I dont know. I feel like Ive lost myself completely. I used to write entries about how everything made so much sense and everything was just going well. Now its like, nothing makes sense. I dont understand anything. I havent been acting like myself lately. I feel like Im schyzophrenic (sp?). Ive totally regressed into how I was at the beginning of this year. The one person Ive always hated the most. and it erks me. because now I know that I cant avoid it.
history will always repeat itself.