Someone with muscles. Homeless outreach.
I hadn't planned on doing homeless outreach Sunday night after my late Saturday night. After a couple of hours relaxing Sunday morning, I felt human again so I signed up to drive later that night. I made a note to clarify that Mick was out of town, I'd need someone to ride with me.
When I got to the church, they were cleaning up super early. The two organizers were out of town - Wendy on a mission trip to Guatemala and Jean was on vacation with his son. They were surprised to see me - apparently, no one else has access to the sign-up sheet and they didn't know I was coming. They assigned this new guy Marty to ride with me. I introduced myself and started packing up the meals to take out. I picked up one of the soft-sided carriers and headed to the car, and he fussed at me for carrying something so heavy. I laughed and pointed out that it is awkward, not heavy, and I'd be happy to let him carry the other one. I started moving everything around in the car. We have 35 hot meals, 35 sack lunches, a plastic bin full of water, a plastic bin with shoes, clothing, socks, a milk crate full of ziplock bags with hygiene kits, and three cardboard boxes with food for apartment stops. This week, I wasn't carrying tents or anything like that extra. We always make this fit - it takes a little rearranging. So this guy comes over to the back of my car and tells me I should stack the two big carriers of the hot meals. This won't work - they are in Styrofoam containers and the weight will crack the containers. As I'm explaining this, he reaches in and starts shoving them around. I tell him to stop - they're still Styrofoam, that is still going to crack the containers, leak food, etc. I point out we *can* stack the apartment food boxes. He thinks it over and says no, that won't work. He tells me he is just going to ride behind me and follow me around, there is no room for him. Then he puts one of the food boxes in the front seat to demonstrate how there is no room for everything. I decide this is best - I can cuss when I'm driving and I don't have to watch my mouth, and at this early point in working together for the evening, I am already sick of this guy. I ask him for his cell number in case we get separated, and I hand him a list of addresses for where we are headed. I even numbered them in order of stops. He hands it back and says he doesn't need it, he will just follow me. I asked again about the cell number. He gives this little chuckle and repeats that he doesn't need it, he is going to follow me.
See, I don't like taking two cars. If I have to pull over abruptly, I don't know how much attention the guy behind me is paying. I don't like taking a stranger out - I don't know how he'll react in a crisis. I was already agitated when we headed out but I chalked it up to the fact that we have a very particular way we pack the car, how we communicate, how we do this service. I recognized I was maybe acting petty and unreasonable because me new partner for homeless outreach wasn't Mick. However, we never do this route alone - it could be dangerous to have a single person out doing this.
We headed to the first houses with little incident except him suggesting to me that I take a different route - I said no, I had a reason for going to the apartments in the order that I did. That became a theme for the night - he kept telling me to drive a different direction than the way I told him I was going. I'd say we were going to turn left out of a parking lot. He'd say "Don't you mean we should turn right and then left once we get down there?"
DID I STUTTER?! Instead, I'd just say, that no, I meant exactly what I just said, I was turning left.
I start driving up Bardstown Road, and I am having to make sure he is following me AND look for people that may not be able to / may not know to come to our assigned spots. Another thing the passenger does is to reach out to the few of our guys that have phones. While I drive, Mick texts, makes calls, arranges where to meet people. A couple of our guys have been banned from McDonald's, so we usually meet them at Eastern Parkway. When we are stopped, I have to hurriedly text everyone and then later, answer phone calls.
We get to McDonald's and we are running earlier than usual. I tell him we will stay there a half hour so it is closer to our usual time to serve - he responds that HE would stay there all night if needed. At this point, I am so fed up that I shoot him the stink eye and go inside to look for our guys. We serve two people there - one is a newer regular - we helped him move his car from the back of Mid City Mall to a private property. He is well-kempt and soft-spoken - works as a part-time photographer and lives out of his car. The other guy was pretty drunk but clearly homeless - nice guy. Eventually, I pointed out that people knew what time to meet us - we needed to head down the road to continue serving. No one was out - I think everyone was either hiding from the heat, or downtown to listen to music wafting out from Forecastle. We headed downtown.
When we have food leftover from our regular route, we hand it out at the double decker McDonald's downtown. We got down there and we were there maybe a half hour when the manager came outside yelling at us. She told us we had to get off the property, we weren't allowed there. She was the GM - I'd never seen her before. I told her maybe one of the other managers had given us permission but that we'd leave. She said she'd already called the police, we had to leave the property immediately or we'd be arrested for trespassing. Marty muttered something and kept handing out food, telling people to help themselves out of the back of my car. I told him to stop, we'd go to the gas station across the way and figure it out from there.
I'd been letting Mick go what was happening as the evening was progressing, so he had one of the other downtown volunteers to call me. He gave me an address to take the food - I knew the place, it is a halfway house for vulnerable populations and just around the corner. I told Marty the plan and he said he'd just ride with me. I asked if he wanted to move his car first - it was parked in front of one of the gas pumps. He said no, they weren't busy.
I already disliked Marty. Is that a pet peeve of mine, or is that just rude?! At that point, I couldn't tell anymore. Marty was a condescending jerk and I was DONE working with him.
We are about to get into my car, and I laughed and said being threatened with arrest was a first for me when volunteering. He said that never happened. I stopped and said yes it did, the general manager said we'd get arrested for trespassing if we stayed there. He said again, no, she never said that. That never happened. Is this jerk GASLIGHTING me?! My mouth was agape. I finally said, ok, whatever, let's just go unload this food. We get there and he gets out to carry everything inside. I said wait, I have to go find a staff member. He said no, let's just carry it inside. I said, MARTY! Stop. We can't just walk in there. I'm going to the lobby to find a staff member. They will send residents out to carry it inside. We get the carriers back and then leave, but we can't just walk in there. I've dropped food off there before, I know the procedure.
Finally, finally done. I just have to drive him back to his car. As we pull in, he offers to take the case of water with him. I said, oh, I usually keep it in here for the next week. Are you headed back to the church? He said no but he'd carry it in his car all week. I smiled and said no thanks, I've got it. I carry all the water bottles in one of our bins - makes it easier to transport and distribute. He told me I should take advantage of the fact I have someone with muscles in the car and let him carry the water. As he said "someone with muscles," he gently pinched the back of my upper arm.
Man oh man. It is a good thing he was wearing a seat belt or I'd have opened his door and rolled him out there. Instead, I yanked my arm away, told him "I said I've GOT it, no THANK you, Marty." I was never so glad to see someone go.
Nothing huge, nothing overt, but that constant questioning of how I do my route, which way to drive, did I hear what I thought I heard, and that little arm pinch? UGH. I drove home and drank beer in the bathtub most of the evening to try and simmer down.
I was still steamed the next day and I hadn't formally written the organizers yet. I was still trying to cool off and sort out what was inappropriate, what I was just annoyed about. For example, Marty showed up wearing a tank top and shorts. I would NEVER go out to do outreach dressed like that so I was mad that he was. If I wore that, it would be too revealing and inappropriate - so I felt like he should dress more conservatively as well. Clearly, that is more of a pet peeve and not something I'd complain to the organizers about, right? I got a note from the guy Ken who assigned Marty to my route that night - he said he was sorry that I'd been offended by Marty and he'd make sure we weren't assigned to each other again.
I was offended by Marty... It was not an apology that his boy Marty was offensive, but instead that I was offended by Marty. Ugh. Subtle difference there but distinctive. It puts the onus back on me - implying that I'm the one with the problem here. There are only a couple of other women who do street outreach, and the others are. sheltered. Big-hearted and generous, but they are unaware of their surroundings and often break small rules (give money away, contact outside the outreach, etc). I have clear boundaries and I do things a specific way to stay safe and to best serve this community. I am cautious and careful, and I hate that this jerk has trod on my enjoyment of doing this. Maybe that paternalistic way of doing things works for the other women in the group - I don't know. But it does NOT work for me.
So, I told Mick that when he leaves town, they can find someone else to do the route that night. I'm not taking someone rando newbie jerk out with me again. It makes me feel unsafe.
If something blew up that night, I had no idea if I could rely on Marty. Would he overreact? Would he underreact or not react at all? I know he wasn't paying any attention to how I was operating - he invited the few people we saw to just step up and shop out of the back of my car. I definitely do NOT let people just pick through what I have in there. I keep a stack of Kroger bags and just bag up a hot meal, a sack lunch, a couple of bottles of water and ask what else they need - toiletry kits, socks, so on. I take them out of the car and hand them over. Even if someone sees something through the window and asks about it, I reach in to hand it to them. I don't labor under the delusion that the homeless population is more criminal than anyone else. However, I know when you are giving things away, you run the risk of having some of your own belongings walk off if you just open the car and tell someone to take whatever they need. BOUNDARIES.
The funny thing is that when it is just Mick and me, I carry everything out to the car. He catches up with people, gets reports on any changes - who is living in cars and where they moved, which kid has parents looking for him, new camps in the area, updated contacts, who is in jail, who is missing, etc. I carry everything out, down the stairs and over to the car. When we stop to make apartment stops, we take turns carrying boxes - the one not carrying boxes opens doors and rings doorbells. We are really good at this - we work well together, and we both relate well to the homeless population. We've built a rapport - they know us and recognize that we are there to serve them, not preach at them or try to change them against their will.
When I got to the church, they were cleaning up super early. The two organizers were out of town - Wendy on a mission trip to Guatemala and Jean was on vacation with his son. They were surprised to see me - apparently, no one else has access to the sign-up sheet and they didn't know I was coming. They assigned this new guy Marty to ride with me. I introduced myself and started packing up the meals to take out. I picked up one of the soft-sided carriers and headed to the car, and he fussed at me for carrying something so heavy. I laughed and pointed out that it is awkward, not heavy, and I'd be happy to let him carry the other one. I started moving everything around in the car. We have 35 hot meals, 35 sack lunches, a plastic bin full of water, a plastic bin with shoes, clothing, socks, a milk crate full of ziplock bags with hygiene kits, and three cardboard boxes with food for apartment stops. This week, I wasn't carrying tents or anything like that extra. We always make this fit - it takes a little rearranging. So this guy comes over to the back of my car and tells me I should stack the two big carriers of the hot meals. This won't work - they are in Styrofoam containers and the weight will crack the containers. As I'm explaining this, he reaches in and starts shoving them around. I tell him to stop - they're still Styrofoam, that is still going to crack the containers, leak food, etc. I point out we *can* stack the apartment food boxes. He thinks it over and says no, that won't work. He tells me he is just going to ride behind me and follow me around, there is no room for him. Then he puts one of the food boxes in the front seat to demonstrate how there is no room for everything. I decide this is best - I can cuss when I'm driving and I don't have to watch my mouth, and at this early point in working together for the evening, I am already sick of this guy. I ask him for his cell number in case we get separated, and I hand him a list of addresses for where we are headed. I even numbered them in order of stops. He hands it back and says he doesn't need it, he will just follow me. I asked again about the cell number. He gives this little chuckle and repeats that he doesn't need it, he is going to follow me.
See, I don't like taking two cars. If I have to pull over abruptly, I don't know how much attention the guy behind me is paying. I don't like taking a stranger out - I don't know how he'll react in a crisis. I was already agitated when we headed out but I chalked it up to the fact that we have a very particular way we pack the car, how we communicate, how we do this service. I recognized I was maybe acting petty and unreasonable because me new partner for homeless outreach wasn't Mick. However, we never do this route alone - it could be dangerous to have a single person out doing this.
We headed to the first houses with little incident except him suggesting to me that I take a different route - I said no, I had a reason for going to the apartments in the order that I did. That became a theme for the night - he kept telling me to drive a different direction than the way I told him I was going. I'd say we were going to turn left out of a parking lot. He'd say "Don't you mean we should turn right and then left once we get down there?"
DID I STUTTER?! Instead, I'd just say, that no, I meant exactly what I just said, I was turning left.
I start driving up Bardstown Road, and I am having to make sure he is following me AND look for people that may not be able to / may not know to come to our assigned spots. Another thing the passenger does is to reach out to the few of our guys that have phones. While I drive, Mick texts, makes calls, arranges where to meet people. A couple of our guys have been banned from McDonald's, so we usually meet them at Eastern Parkway. When we are stopped, I have to hurriedly text everyone and then later, answer phone calls.
We get to McDonald's and we are running earlier than usual. I tell him we will stay there a half hour so it is closer to our usual time to serve - he responds that HE would stay there all night if needed. At this point, I am so fed up that I shoot him the stink eye and go inside to look for our guys. We serve two people there - one is a newer regular - we helped him move his car from the back of Mid City Mall to a private property. He is well-kempt and soft-spoken - works as a part-time photographer and lives out of his car. The other guy was pretty drunk but clearly homeless - nice guy. Eventually, I pointed out that people knew what time to meet us - we needed to head down the road to continue serving. No one was out - I think everyone was either hiding from the heat, or downtown to listen to music wafting out from Forecastle. We headed downtown.
When we have food leftover from our regular route, we hand it out at the double decker McDonald's downtown. We got down there and we were there maybe a half hour when the manager came outside yelling at us. She told us we had to get off the property, we weren't allowed there. She was the GM - I'd never seen her before. I told her maybe one of the other managers had given us permission but that we'd leave. She said she'd already called the police, we had to leave the property immediately or we'd be arrested for trespassing. Marty muttered something and kept handing out food, telling people to help themselves out of the back of my car. I told him to stop, we'd go to the gas station across the way and figure it out from there.
I'd been letting Mick go what was happening as the evening was progressing, so he had one of the other downtown volunteers to call me. He gave me an address to take the food - I knew the place, it is a halfway house for vulnerable populations and just around the corner. I told Marty the plan and he said he'd just ride with me. I asked if he wanted to move his car first - it was parked in front of one of the gas pumps. He said no, they weren't busy.
I already disliked Marty. Is that a pet peeve of mine, or is that just rude?! At that point, I couldn't tell anymore. Marty was a condescending jerk and I was DONE working with him.
We are about to get into my car, and I laughed and said being threatened with arrest was a first for me when volunteering. He said that never happened. I stopped and said yes it did, the general manager said we'd get arrested for trespassing if we stayed there. He said again, no, she never said that. That never happened. Is this jerk GASLIGHTING me?! My mouth was agape. I finally said, ok, whatever, let's just go unload this food. We get there and he gets out to carry everything inside. I said wait, I have to go find a staff member. He said no, let's just carry it inside. I said, MARTY! Stop. We can't just walk in there. I'm going to the lobby to find a staff member. They will send residents out to carry it inside. We get the carriers back and then leave, but we can't just walk in there. I've dropped food off there before, I know the procedure.
Finally, finally done. I just have to drive him back to his car. As we pull in, he offers to take the case of water with him. I said, oh, I usually keep it in here for the next week. Are you headed back to the church? He said no but he'd carry it in his car all week. I smiled and said no thanks, I've got it. I carry all the water bottles in one of our bins - makes it easier to transport and distribute. He told me I should take advantage of the fact I have someone with muscles in the car and let him carry the water. As he said "someone with muscles," he gently pinched the back of my upper arm.
Man oh man. It is a good thing he was wearing a seat belt or I'd have opened his door and rolled him out there. Instead, I yanked my arm away, told him "I said I've GOT it, no THANK you, Marty." I was never so glad to see someone go.
Nothing huge, nothing overt, but that constant questioning of how I do my route, which way to drive, did I hear what I thought I heard, and that little arm pinch? UGH. I drove home and drank beer in the bathtub most of the evening to try and simmer down.
I was still steamed the next day and I hadn't formally written the organizers yet. I was still trying to cool off and sort out what was inappropriate, what I was just annoyed about. For example, Marty showed up wearing a tank top and shorts. I would NEVER go out to do outreach dressed like that so I was mad that he was. If I wore that, it would be too revealing and inappropriate - so I felt like he should dress more conservatively as well. Clearly, that is more of a pet peeve and not something I'd complain to the organizers about, right? I got a note from the guy Ken who assigned Marty to my route that night - he said he was sorry that I'd been offended by Marty and he'd make sure we weren't assigned to each other again.
I was offended by Marty... It was not an apology that his boy Marty was offensive, but instead that I was offended by Marty. Ugh. Subtle difference there but distinctive. It puts the onus back on me - implying that I'm the one with the problem here. There are only a couple of other women who do street outreach, and the others are. sheltered. Big-hearted and generous, but they are unaware of their surroundings and often break small rules (give money away, contact outside the outreach, etc). I have clear boundaries and I do things a specific way to stay safe and to best serve this community. I am cautious and careful, and I hate that this jerk has trod on my enjoyment of doing this. Maybe that paternalistic way of doing things works for the other women in the group - I don't know. But it does NOT work for me.
So, I told Mick that when he leaves town, they can find someone else to do the route that night. I'm not taking someone rando newbie jerk out with me again. It makes me feel unsafe.
If something blew up that night, I had no idea if I could rely on Marty. Would he overreact? Would he underreact or not react at all? I know he wasn't paying any attention to how I was operating - he invited the few people we saw to just step up and shop out of the back of my car. I definitely do NOT let people just pick through what I have in there. I keep a stack of Kroger bags and just bag up a hot meal, a sack lunch, a couple of bottles of water and ask what else they need - toiletry kits, socks, so on. I take them out of the car and hand them over. Even if someone sees something through the window and asks about it, I reach in to hand it to them. I don't labor under the delusion that the homeless population is more criminal than anyone else. However, I know when you are giving things away, you run the risk of having some of your own belongings walk off if you just open the car and tell someone to take whatever they need. BOUNDARIES.
The funny thing is that when it is just Mick and me, I carry everything out to the car. He catches up with people, gets reports on any changes - who is living in cars and where they moved, which kid has parents looking for him, new camps in the area, updated contacts, who is in jail, who is missing, etc. I carry everything out, down the stairs and over to the car. When we stop to make apartment stops, we take turns carrying boxes - the one not carrying boxes opens doors and rings doorbells. We are really good at this - we work well together, and we both relate well to the homeless population. We've built a rapport - they know us and recognize that we are there to serve them, not preach at them or try to change them against their will.