This is probably what I deserve
It's like I'm 16 years old again, but worse. I don't have the idea of a bright future in my head anymore. I don't believe in 5 years it will all be better. If I'm lucky I will have escaped somewhere. But it really appears that this is a waste of a dream.
I moved to this place, in the middle of nowhere, because I wanted to be with my family. I basically cut myself off from everything to be here and there's little I can do to save myself now.
I am treated like a child, but (obviously) expected to act like an adult. I'm forced to sit through the tantrums of my siblings, mother, uncle and grandmother alike. Countless tantrums about my behavior, everyone elses behavior.. even down to what has been made for dinner, whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or what's on the fucking tv. I'm supposed to listen to all of this, as if I care to hear my mother blame me for her youngest daughter being an absolute wretched brat, or her son never doing his schoolwork. I have put myself in a position, where I have access to nothing. The closest places to get jobs are over 8 miles away. I haven't got transportation. There is no public transportation here. So I sit.
I'm sure there's something I can do to fix this. There's always *something*. I just can't think about it right now. I always feel like I should be doing more with myself, but I constantly hold myself back. And there's really no good reason for me to do so. There's always a guilt trip with these kinds of endeavors. I moved a block away, and "Oh, your brother cried all the time." .. "You left, so your dad hates you." Blah blah bullshit. Sometimes I can't believe I can just look past how dysfunctional my family really is.
What would I even be staying for? To listen to my mom complain about how worthless I am because her other children never do shit? To listen to her complain about the thousands of dollars she has needlessly wasted spoiling these two kids, like I had something to do with it? "Oh, i bought everyone new computers!" Wrong. You bought my siblings and yourself new computers. I'm still using the dinosaur that I've been using for several years now, that I paid for myself. I'm sorry that you spent all your money on bullshit, and now you're almost out, and the cost of living in this house is like way expensive since my grandmother wont help you pay for shit because you FORCED her to move here. I'm also sorry that your husband in Fla stopped working like he's supposed to, and now you're also paying rent for the apartment in Fla that my other sister just HAD to have. It's not like you enabled any of these people for them to be like this or anything. No way.
I'm tired of everyone's shit in this house being flung on me like I couldn't possibly have any problems of my own.
"What problems do you have, it's not like you have a life.."
Well, exactly.
And the more time I have to think about the shit I let myself get into, the less I like it. I despise coming into my room and noticing things missing, only to find later that my sister has helped herself to them. I'm tired of how I am not entitled to any sort of privacy and no one has to have respect for my belongings because "arguing about that shit gives you a headache" so I should just ignore it when my belongings turn up missing. Someday when I go in my sisters room and smash the hell out of everything she owns, it will be my mothers fault for my temporary loss of sanity.
No matter how cheery or collected I try to act, deep down I really just feel like I'm about to flip out. I need to get the hell away. The weight of all of this persistent negativity is crushing me.
I moved to this place, in the middle of nowhere, because I wanted to be with my family. I basically cut myself off from everything to be here and there's little I can do to save myself now.
I am treated like a child, but (obviously) expected to act like an adult. I'm forced to sit through the tantrums of my siblings, mother, uncle and grandmother alike. Countless tantrums about my behavior, everyone elses behavior.. even down to what has been made for dinner, whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or what's on the fucking tv. I'm supposed to listen to all of this, as if I care to hear my mother blame me for her youngest daughter being an absolute wretched brat, or her son never doing his schoolwork. I have put myself in a position, where I have access to nothing. The closest places to get jobs are over 8 miles away. I haven't got transportation. There is no public transportation here. So I sit.
I'm sure there's something I can do to fix this. There's always *something*. I just can't think about it right now. I always feel like I should be doing more with myself, but I constantly hold myself back. And there's really no good reason for me to do so. There's always a guilt trip with these kinds of endeavors. I moved a block away, and "Oh, your brother cried all the time." .. "You left, so your dad hates you." Blah blah bullshit. Sometimes I can't believe I can just look past how dysfunctional my family really is.
What would I even be staying for? To listen to my mom complain about how worthless I am because her other children never do shit? To listen to her complain about the thousands of dollars she has needlessly wasted spoiling these two kids, like I had something to do with it? "Oh, i bought everyone new computers!" Wrong. You bought my siblings and yourself new computers. I'm still using the dinosaur that I've been using for several years now, that I paid for myself. I'm sorry that you spent all your money on bullshit, and now you're almost out, and the cost of living in this house is like way expensive since my grandmother wont help you pay for shit because you FORCED her to move here. I'm also sorry that your husband in Fla stopped working like he's supposed to, and now you're also paying rent for the apartment in Fla that my other sister just HAD to have. It's not like you enabled any of these people for them to be like this or anything. No way.
I'm tired of everyone's shit in this house being flung on me like I couldn't possibly have any problems of my own.
"What problems do you have, it's not like you have a life.."
Well, exactly.
And the more time I have to think about the shit I let myself get into, the less I like it. I despise coming into my room and noticing things missing, only to find later that my sister has helped herself to them. I'm tired of how I am not entitled to any sort of privacy and no one has to have respect for my belongings because "arguing about that shit gives you a headache" so I should just ignore it when my belongings turn up missing. Someday when I go in my sisters room and smash the hell out of everything she owns, it will be my mothers fault for my temporary loss of sanity.
No matter how cheery or collected I try to act, deep down I really just feel like I'm about to flip out. I need to get the hell away. The weight of all of this persistent negativity is crushing me.