Life Hits Ya Faster than the Speed of Sound
The last few days have been so weird for me... all the days since Karin confirmed that she really is pregnant. I think my mom has already sensed something is up... I've barely talked. "It's not like you to be so quiet all the time!" she told me not long ago, so then I asked if I could use the computer in my dad's office ((I haven't been up to my room... just staying on the first floor)) and that's where I am now. I'm not the type to write private journals to myself... but I think I really need to right now since I can't just keep holding it all in like this. I'm confused. Maybe writing will help organize my thoughts a little? They say it works for a lot of people.
Things for me won't be as bad as what things will be like for Karin, I'm sure. Hell, I could just walk away anytime I want, if I was a coward, which I'm not. I told her I would stay with her, so I will, even if it'll be hard to face this kind of life change. I'm not sure what else I really can do besides just be there for her. I don't know a damn thing about... pregnancies... and kids. We are gonna need help from outside of the two of us...
The best I can think of is to just tell my mom as soon as possible. I may have to soon anyways... there's no one else I can talk to about it and I just have to tell somebody before I go insane!! All I do now at home is just lie around and dwell on it. Nothing distracts me from my wondering about what will happen next... mom might know what to do...
I think I had a bad omen about it, though, in my dream last night... "it" being the pregnancy... I hope nothing bad happens to Karin. I'd never forgive myself if this whole thing ends up hurting her. I don't want a kid but now that it's gonna happen, I don't want anything bad to happen to it, either. It was weird... that night when she came here and first told me and slept on my bed, I think I was more protective than ever...
The dream, though... it was really graphic. I don't think I should tell Karin about it. She's already worried enough as is and dreams aren't real, so it's not like she needs to know it ever happened... right? Well, even though this entry is private, I can't get myself to write about the dream... or any of the other dreams I've had lately... they're that graphic! I can't handle them anymore, so I don't think I should let myself get tired anymore. Sleeping just makes more of them come.
I haven't seen Shige lately. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.
In early July, my mom wants to take me away on a little vacation. I'm not sure what she has planned exactly, but she did say it would be to South Korea and we would stay in hotels every night that had internet so I can keep in touch with Karin that way. I haven't told Karin yet, though. I want to go... but I don't want to leave her for even a day! My mom seems to think it'll do me good, though...
Hopefully I'm more healed by then!
Too much has been on my mind lately... I wish it'd all just go away and fix themselves .-.
Life is never easy. I want a break...