I am nothing
Seriosly. What could I possible have that makes me worth..ANYTHING? The more I look at me,and I'm not just talking about the mirror, the more I hate myself for lack of..everything. I don't have any real skills or talents that are worth anything. Oh look, I can scribble and make food the size of a quarter, I'll be the top of my career in no time! -.- whatever my career is. I have nothing. No real goals, passion, ambition, NOTHING. I don't even have any real, solid opinion cus I don't fucking KNOW anything! I'm a lazy, good for nothing little bitch and it's not fair. I don't mean for me, I mean for I know a few people whoe like crazy for what they want, what they're trying for. Me? I'd have an easy time if I , say, when to college or soemthing. I've been given a shitload of opportunity in my life and I've just holed myself up somewhere wanting life to go away... well surprise, it has... ish. all the possibilities for the fun, happy points are gone. only the nasty neccessities remain. Remember that meaningless and dull existance of bathe, east, work, sleep repeat? I'd be fucking lucky to have that about now.
my life is just incredibly empty, and it's my fault. Instead of ever standing up for anything, i just curled up and waited for it to go away. I have the whoel regret thing. Whishing I could soemhow go back in time and slap myself upside the head and say "stand up you shit head! even if the worst happens, you'll be better for it"
There's just nothing. I don't even have any real desires. sure, some nice general and vague ones but nothing real. What do I wanna be when i grow the fuck up? no clue. Where do i see myself in 5 year? 10? 20? a hundred? probabaly still here... on my ass, or dead If I'm lucky. It all sounds angry going through my head, but I'm crying as I type.
It's not fair to my mother either. She deserves someone she can be pround of or at least happy with. I know she's not ashamed of me, but she should be. She has reason to be. A lot of reasons.
I know I say a lot of "i need this or i need that" but I really dont know what the fuck i need...besides maybe an answer when i don;t know the question. I'm just sort of..dead. like a log floating in place or...something. where the hell did that imagry come from? Sure, my head is filled with ideas, dreams, what ifs and somedays...but in reality, outside the confort of my own dreamy brain? I'm just sitting here, the same as the day before. I'm a spineless, lazy littel leech who should probably get squashed before i hurt anyone.
A few times in my life people, well teachers, have given me a great compliment or two, something that makes me smile and depressed all at once. In highschool, when i actually did the assignment for a change he'd said i had a gift for writting. another, a GED instructor said I "had better go to college". where they lying? trying to be encouraging? or were they actually honest? Did they see something in me somwhere? Did something show it's face for a fraction of a second?
maybe it did. maybe i do have some great skills or talents deep down.... too bad i lack any modivation or drive. I mean, at all. exersize? how long has that tape been sitting on the shelf, waiting to be used. ho wlong has it been here and all i have to do is pop it in and fucking move? and yet, here i am. here i sit. here i let the day pass by pretending everything is fine and dandy.
How long will it go on? how long will i imagine how my life will be or how it should be instead of actually..i dunno..WORKING for it? when will i even be able to ask for help that I'm quite certain I need? When will I stop turnign away from my mom when she says I need a job, with an urge to screm "i know" or try not to cry cus I know why i dont and cant seem to get one. why, when the one time i did cry, i shut up, silent with my head down. When i finaly though i might tell her the reason itmade me cry, i couldnt find the words, not one. I ramble on and on here, yet when it comes to telling my mother just one of my problems, I can't even utter "I.."
....why is it when shes around and I've been crying, i want to hide so she wont see? So much time hiding and crying, will anything every change?
my life is just incredibly empty, and it's my fault. Instead of ever standing up for anything, i just curled up and waited for it to go away. I have the whoel regret thing. Whishing I could soemhow go back in time and slap myself upside the head and say "stand up you shit head! even if the worst happens, you'll be better for it"
There's just nothing. I don't even have any real desires. sure, some nice general and vague ones but nothing real. What do I wanna be when i grow the fuck up? no clue. Where do i see myself in 5 year? 10? 20? a hundred? probabaly still here... on my ass, or dead If I'm lucky. It all sounds angry going through my head, but I'm crying as I type.
It's not fair to my mother either. She deserves someone she can be pround of or at least happy with. I know she's not ashamed of me, but she should be. She has reason to be. A lot of reasons.
I know I say a lot of "i need this or i need that" but I really dont know what the fuck i need...besides maybe an answer when i don;t know the question. I'm just sort of..dead. like a log floating in place or...something. where the hell did that imagry come from? Sure, my head is filled with ideas, dreams, what ifs and somedays...but in reality, outside the confort of my own dreamy brain? I'm just sitting here, the same as the day before. I'm a spineless, lazy littel leech who should probably get squashed before i hurt anyone.
A few times in my life people, well teachers, have given me a great compliment or two, something that makes me smile and depressed all at once. In highschool, when i actually did the assignment for a change he'd said i had a gift for writting. another, a GED instructor said I "had better go to college". where they lying? trying to be encouraging? or were they actually honest? Did they see something in me somwhere? Did something show it's face for a fraction of a second?
maybe it did. maybe i do have some great skills or talents deep down.... too bad i lack any modivation or drive. I mean, at all. exersize? how long has that tape been sitting on the shelf, waiting to be used. ho wlong has it been here and all i have to do is pop it in and fucking move? and yet, here i am. here i sit. here i let the day pass by pretending everything is fine and dandy.
How long will it go on? how long will i imagine how my life will be or how it should be instead of actually..i dunno..WORKING for it? when will i even be able to ask for help that I'm quite certain I need? When will I stop turnign away from my mom when she says I need a job, with an urge to screm "i know" or try not to cry cus I know why i dont and cant seem to get one. why, when the one time i did cry, i shut up, silent with my head down. When i finaly though i might tell her the reason itmade me cry, i couldnt find the words, not one. I ramble on and on here, yet when it comes to telling my mother just one of my problems, I can't even utter "I.."
....why is it when shes around and I've been crying, i want to hide so she wont see? So much time hiding and crying, will anything every change?