(no subject)
this is me whining.
i feel like my brain has been taken over by someone else. or rather like i am fighting with someone else to keep myself from sliding back to where i was a year ago. two years ago. three years ago.
current events have left me looking back over the past year and a half and thinking, "what a fucking waste of time." i have actually started to grow fond and nostalgic over my time spent in san francisco and berkeley and you know things have to be bad if those times are being remembered as bright and shiny. i just think that i really really fucked up. somewhere along the line, i lost everything and all that i stood for or believed in. and in trying to get it back, i find myself digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. it sounds melodramatic, but there are times when i feel like i can sense my heart sinking down to my stomach. i have so much pent up anger and hatred and just general depression that i'm scared of the day when i just fucking lose it and stop being able to make myself smile.
i have changed dramatically in such a short amount of time that it's hard to be comfortable in my new skin, especially when the person that i spend time with is holding a vision of how i used to be and acting accordingly. he hasn't changed and it's hard for me to recognize that he never will. he will always treat me and see me how he did a year ago and i will always be furious for that because that's not who i am now.
i wish i wasn't so much "in my head" so that i could go out and make friends and meet people and have some fucking fun. but i don't like going out alone and so i sit at home by myself and never meet anybody and the whole cycle goes again and again and again and the only person there is ben. which isn't fair because he goes out and meets people and is doing god knows what. and he thinks that i'm completely oblivious. it's not that i am, i just don't want to admit that he's still the person he always was because that's the person who hurts me. constantly. but for some reason--and perhaps rightly so, seeing as i don't even need a full hand to count the number of friends that i have and need even less to count the number i see on any kind of basis--it feels like he's all i have.
i need a change. i need something or someone to get me out of this fucking mess i've made for myself.
"please don't confront me with my failures/ i have not forgotten them."
i feel like my brain has been taken over by someone else. or rather like i am fighting with someone else to keep myself from sliding back to where i was a year ago. two years ago. three years ago.
current events have left me looking back over the past year and a half and thinking, "what a fucking waste of time." i have actually started to grow fond and nostalgic over my time spent in san francisco and berkeley and you know things have to be bad if those times are being remembered as bright and shiny. i just think that i really really fucked up. somewhere along the line, i lost everything and all that i stood for or believed in. and in trying to get it back, i find myself digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. it sounds melodramatic, but there are times when i feel like i can sense my heart sinking down to my stomach. i have so much pent up anger and hatred and just general depression that i'm scared of the day when i just fucking lose it and stop being able to make myself smile.
i have changed dramatically in such a short amount of time that it's hard to be comfortable in my new skin, especially when the person that i spend time with is holding a vision of how i used to be and acting accordingly. he hasn't changed and it's hard for me to recognize that he never will. he will always treat me and see me how he did a year ago and i will always be furious for that because that's not who i am now.
i wish i wasn't so much "in my head" so that i could go out and make friends and meet people and have some fucking fun. but i don't like going out alone and so i sit at home by myself and never meet anybody and the whole cycle goes again and again and again and the only person there is ben. which isn't fair because he goes out and meets people and is doing god knows what. and he thinks that i'm completely oblivious. it's not that i am, i just don't want to admit that he's still the person he always was because that's the person who hurts me. constantly. but for some reason--and perhaps rightly so, seeing as i don't even need a full hand to count the number of friends that i have and need even less to count the number i see on any kind of basis--it feels like he's all i have.
i need a change. i need something or someone to get me out of this fucking mess i've made for myself.
"please don't confront me with my failures/ i have not forgotten them."