Kiss me and I might just break
Ahhhhhh. Parents day is stressful.......
mostly because ym daddy isnt here, because he has surgury in a few weeks, and testing in a day or two and needs to rest......
fucking hell. Parents day. My mother is in Berlin, my father is dying and I have a headache and a heartache and I am jittery and angry and I dont even know why. I flirted with my teachers and I want to go skinny dipping in the rain, I want to kiss a girl on a train platform and have people notice and yell. I want to take off all my clothes and have people take piuctures of my vulnerability, just to remind myself that I am not perfect, I never will be, and I should not even try. I want to be a stick with no curves so these god damn people will stop looking at me and jugding me and hating me and telling me I am beautiful. I want to be so thin and ugly that no one want to touch me, and I dont even know why. I think heavy people are real, and beautiful and stunning. But I dont want that, I dont want to be beautiful. I want them to stop looking at me at me and judging me and hating me and telling me I am beautiful. Maybe I am, I dont know, but beauty isnt special anymore, beauty is vulnerability and danger and hate and low self esteem and love and sex all roled into one big great form of a heavy girl with a will to live.
I am a normal sized woman with a will to be grotesque.