(no subject)
ah, what weird times it's been lately. i want to move out, or rather, i feel as if i have to move out. my mind has been on the fritz lately and i can't seem to keep up with a coherent thought now-a-days. am i smoking too much? drinking? ach, questions and no answers surfacing. insurmountable odds. i feel lost in day to day conversations. nothing makes sense. is this just me? is this only going on in my head or is there some grand scheme that i'm just not getting? is god toying with me again? fuckin' a. ah, so many surface thoughts that i can't break through to what's really eating away at me. i'm dying in the brain it feels like sometimes, but i also know how i like to exagerate. or am i this time around? maybe i mean that metaphorically speaking, maybe not, but it seems to ring true at least for this moment.
or it could be that i need to write more, which hopefully is the antidote for my behavior lately. you know it's bad when you can't even act like yourself around your immediate family. at least i don't think i can. have i tried? no, of course not. but in my defense it doesn't even feel like i'm capable of even that. goddamnit. i hate the feeling of vulnerability and the nakedness that goes with it. it's as if all you have to do is look at me to know what's going on deep in my brain. which is all good and dandy if the thoughts are one's your willing to share. however around this time i'd much rather hold myself up in my room and try to get everything to make sense again.
fuckin' a. not a chicosky and i'm not a ybarra. or i am. or i don't feel like it. or maybe i just don't want to be. if that makes sense or not. whatever. i'm filled with contradictions. right now at this point in time all i want to do is smoke and drink, yet on the flipside i know once i do said things i'll regret it and slip further into whatever it is i'm going through. this is a rut. or deep, horrible, overbearing rut that i just want to get out of a.s.a.p.
whatever. everything is eventual. i can wait for my twenty first birthday i know that much. go to some shit hole bar and sit down in some dark corner and think things over a cold brew of whatever. however if the place is worth a damn rum will be involved.
i miss my friends. i miss going to denny's and getting coffee. i miss simplicity. i miss sex. i miss a shit load of things. i miss sanity. this list could go on for however long, and i don't think i'll ever come up with a blockage on what i miss right now. it sucks feeling like this when your surrounded by friends and family. but it sucks even more typing that down on el jay and not doing a goddamn thing about it but bitch and bitch and think that somehow it'll make everything better.
but who knows. maybe i just need to wake up for a change. or not. whatever. i'm off to the store to get a pack of smokes.
peace.
or it could be that i need to write more, which hopefully is the antidote for my behavior lately. you know it's bad when you can't even act like yourself around your immediate family. at least i don't think i can. have i tried? no, of course not. but in my defense it doesn't even feel like i'm capable of even that. goddamnit. i hate the feeling of vulnerability and the nakedness that goes with it. it's as if all you have to do is look at me to know what's going on deep in my brain. which is all good and dandy if the thoughts are one's your willing to share. however around this time i'd much rather hold myself up in my room and try to get everything to make sense again.
fuckin' a. not a chicosky and i'm not a ybarra. or i am. or i don't feel like it. or maybe i just don't want to be. if that makes sense or not. whatever. i'm filled with contradictions. right now at this point in time all i want to do is smoke and drink, yet on the flipside i know once i do said things i'll regret it and slip further into whatever it is i'm going through. this is a rut. or deep, horrible, overbearing rut that i just want to get out of a.s.a.p.
whatever. everything is eventual. i can wait for my twenty first birthday i know that much. go to some shit hole bar and sit down in some dark corner and think things over a cold brew of whatever. however if the place is worth a damn rum will be involved.
i miss my friends. i miss going to denny's and getting coffee. i miss simplicity. i miss sex. i miss a shit load of things. i miss sanity. this list could go on for however long, and i don't think i'll ever come up with a blockage on what i miss right now. it sucks feeling like this when your surrounded by friends and family. but it sucks even more typing that down on el jay and not doing a goddamn thing about it but bitch and bitch and think that somehow it'll make everything better.
but who knows. maybe i just need to wake up for a change. or not. whatever. i'm off to the store to get a pack of smokes.
peace.