Road to Anxiety
Okay this may be long winded and convoluted, but I'm trying to do the reasoning and behavior that causes my Anxiety. Today I'm felling a bit anxious and sense I feel that taking the xantax is "losing" I'm trying to uhm, "walk" myself out of this mess.
I start with Gabby because I've been using her situation as a sort of test run for my own issues. I'm afraid of death to the point where I thought saying the word would actually give death power (I don't believe in magic, but in my paranoia I'm not one to take any chances regardless). So with the illness and eventual death of her mother, I was able to see and simulate such a situation for me, without the actual emotional attachment involved. The doctor said that's fine if I am actually helping out Gabby in some way (which I like to think I have regardless of the amount of inane friction I cause). I've tried to be open-minded about her negative behavior where she'll even go out of her way to be negative about trivial matters (like celebrities for example). Others have mentioned she should "get over it" or "deal with it", but I remind myself that she's buried both her parents now and I can't imagine the rage and pain I would be feeling about having to deal with that. But my patience got a crack in it when she assaulted me for mentioning a certain person's name. I realized that it was my fault because in my good and (and just dumb ass not thinking) meddling nature, I've relayed data to her that I didn't realize it could be arranged in a way that could produce such disastrous conclusions. I could have just kept my mouth shut, but I've always been one who talks waaay too much, and in a very misguided way I actually thought I was helping by saying things (mind you some of the stories were said because I found them humorous, not thinking about how others would view such stories.).
Mind you the physical attack was minor and caused no physical harm, but the anger and negativity behind it is what I felt the most. I tried to express my anger through humor, but I don't think the point got across and so I kept it inside. (Also since all involved are my friends, I have a hard time listening to one friend being negative about the other.)
Then even more recently, Gabby was spouting off more of her negative comments about various things, and some of it was about a RPG Carrie ran, and I don't think Gabby realized what she was saying or how it would affect her. The negativity was enough to drive Carrie away from participating in a RPG game that evening (mind you it being D&D 3.5 didn't help a lot either). So instead of being an "adult" and expressing my dismay in that happening, I merely just turned up my "ass factor" and picked at her with petty humor and jabs. I think my character that I made was a tad dark and negative because of it all.
I've even have found myself focusing on the untidiness of the house and blaming it all on Gabby and John as if I was looking for reasons to be further negative.
Then too Carrie. Recently Carrie has been a bit sickly, it hasn't been much but I've always worried more ever since she one illness go until we had to take her to the hospital and she had surgery (I didn't know anything was wrong until we had to take her to the hospital). It as if I don't trust her judgment when it comes to medical concerns (with is confusing because I do trust her). I try to understand her fears of doctors and hospitals because of what happened to her father, but I don't have those fears, so I obviously not as big a deal.
There's also been a slight issue with money. I'm not the most disciplined with dealing with money, so uhm "goofy" issues do arise form time to time (I'm being very polite with myself in describing it as "goofy"). I recently had to take a loan from my parents to fix the car and the credit was overdrawn, so Carrie wasn't too thrilled with the credit card issue (I think her interest was increased because her Japanese magazine is paid via the credit card, but the issue should have arisen regardless). But in any case I have to keep track of money more closely less I loose my "discipline" and with the holidays coming up, that can be a drag more so than normal.
Now more recently, it's been a busy week at work, but it usually is. Work is specifically set up so that the maximum amount can be accomplished with the minimum amount of resources (IE: People). I view it as a very traditional, overtly simplistic view of management that cutting costs will make more money. Combine that I'm occasionally "looking over my" shoulder ever since we closed one call center by farming the work out to woefully pathetic offshore locations (I know it's pathetic because A: I've directly dealt with such locations at several levels and I know more about the business than some management and B The old phrase "You get what you pay for"). Any way I'm drifting off topic. So work is busy, and of course some other workers are doing what they can to make it through (or they're just self interested and don't care) and I tend to focus on the negative more so I see things going wrong and it bothers me (but sometimes I assume what's wrong and make issues out of nothing). In the end I work more stressful than it really needs to be.
Fast-forward to last night and John and Gabby are cooking chicken as in Davidese "A food product so dangerous you have to actively keep track of what was touched by it raw and make sure it's properly cooked because it's filled with so many germs that want to kill me." To make it worse, Gabby leaves the house on some mad quest for free limes so I'm stuck in the house with this giant piece of raw chicken just sitting on the chicken counter. I couldn't go into the kitchen less I some how accidentally brush against the chicken and get infected and die. Even after she deals with the chicken I start to wonder "What did the chicken touch" "Her hands touched the chicken, what did she touch while she had the vile chicken death germs on her hands?" "Does she properly keep track of stuff like that and clean all infected surfaces and or objects?" "Why am I worried about this so much? It just makes you sick and only the very old and very young die from it right? But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm the exception?"
This morning my left arm and shoulder is a tad sore because I slept on it (and my right arm is stronger and doesn't get as sore as my left). But then I start to wonder if there's something wrong with my heart, because doesn't the left arm feels the affect of such problems. Then I start to notice ever pain, however slight, that happens to my body. And as I focus on this, fear happens, and fear causes stress and stress produces symptoms that can seem like heart problems (well to a layman anyways) which in turns only more stress.
I think I'm afraid of death because A. I don't have a religion that conveniently explains away death and B. Death is the ultimate loss of control. I feel safe because I've built up an illusion of control and the only thing I have no control over is death so me dying by something internal would be the ultimate betrayal of myself because my body allowed me to die. I know there is no Zen Buddist Monk trick where you can control your body and its functions, but in my "grasping for straws" I really want there to be one. But as the Doctor points out (I always notice I call her Doctor, but Carrie calls her by her first name) my fear becomes less about dying and actually becomes a fear of living. So while I'm sitting there afraid to make the wrong move less it kills me, I'm actually hiding from life. The problem with that is, while I know this logically, I still haven't fully embraced it emotionally. That might be partly because it's my intellect that I've used and relied on so long, it can understand more, but I've kept my emotions locked away so long, they're weak for not being used so long and it's just now catching up with my intellect. Also my value of my intellect explains a lot of my fears of heart attack and brain aneurisms, because they involve the brain and the brain is my symbol for my intellect and my intellect is a major uhm, totem for me.
Whoa, that's like 3 pages worth of rambling. See how confusing and twisted my logic gets and how much work it is to climb out of it. And what's worse when I don't find logic that fits my worries, I start making stuff up to fit in the space (and since I trust myself so much obviously I wouldn't lie to myself.) So I think these may have been enough to calm myself down (and not need the foreign control of Xantax) and continue on with work (but Work is a pain and stressful regardless of the mind frame I'm in).
I start with Gabby because I've been using her situation as a sort of test run for my own issues. I'm afraid of death to the point where I thought saying the word would actually give death power (I don't believe in magic, but in my paranoia I'm not one to take any chances regardless). So with the illness and eventual death of her mother, I was able to see and simulate such a situation for me, without the actual emotional attachment involved. The doctor said that's fine if I am actually helping out Gabby in some way (which I like to think I have regardless of the amount of inane friction I cause). I've tried to be open-minded about her negative behavior where she'll even go out of her way to be negative about trivial matters (like celebrities for example). Others have mentioned she should "get over it" or "deal with it", but I remind myself that she's buried both her parents now and I can't imagine the rage and pain I would be feeling about having to deal with that. But my patience got a crack in it when she assaulted me for mentioning a certain person's name. I realized that it was my fault because in my good and (and just dumb ass not thinking) meddling nature, I've relayed data to her that I didn't realize it could be arranged in a way that could produce such disastrous conclusions. I could have just kept my mouth shut, but I've always been one who talks waaay too much, and in a very misguided way I actually thought I was helping by saying things (mind you some of the stories were said because I found them humorous, not thinking about how others would view such stories.).
Mind you the physical attack was minor and caused no physical harm, but the anger and negativity behind it is what I felt the most. I tried to express my anger through humor, but I don't think the point got across and so I kept it inside. (Also since all involved are my friends, I have a hard time listening to one friend being negative about the other.)
Then even more recently, Gabby was spouting off more of her negative comments about various things, and some of it was about a RPG Carrie ran, and I don't think Gabby realized what she was saying or how it would affect her. The negativity was enough to drive Carrie away from participating in a RPG game that evening (mind you it being D&D 3.5 didn't help a lot either). So instead of being an "adult" and expressing my dismay in that happening, I merely just turned up my "ass factor" and picked at her with petty humor and jabs. I think my character that I made was a tad dark and negative because of it all.
I've even have found myself focusing on the untidiness of the house and blaming it all on Gabby and John as if I was looking for reasons to be further negative.
Then too Carrie. Recently Carrie has been a bit sickly, it hasn't been much but I've always worried more ever since she one illness go until we had to take her to the hospital and she had surgery (I didn't know anything was wrong until we had to take her to the hospital). It as if I don't trust her judgment when it comes to medical concerns (with is confusing because I do trust her). I try to understand her fears of doctors and hospitals because of what happened to her father, but I don't have those fears, so I obviously not as big a deal.
There's also been a slight issue with money. I'm not the most disciplined with dealing with money, so uhm "goofy" issues do arise form time to time (I'm being very polite with myself in describing it as "goofy"). I recently had to take a loan from my parents to fix the car and the credit was overdrawn, so Carrie wasn't too thrilled with the credit card issue (I think her interest was increased because her Japanese magazine is paid via the credit card, but the issue should have arisen regardless). But in any case I have to keep track of money more closely less I loose my "discipline" and with the holidays coming up, that can be a drag more so than normal.
Now more recently, it's been a busy week at work, but it usually is. Work is specifically set up so that the maximum amount can be accomplished with the minimum amount of resources (IE: People). I view it as a very traditional, overtly simplistic view of management that cutting costs will make more money. Combine that I'm occasionally "looking over my" shoulder ever since we closed one call center by farming the work out to woefully pathetic offshore locations (I know it's pathetic because A: I've directly dealt with such locations at several levels and I know more about the business than some management and B The old phrase "You get what you pay for"). Any way I'm drifting off topic. So work is busy, and of course some other workers are doing what they can to make it through (or they're just self interested and don't care) and I tend to focus on the negative more so I see things going wrong and it bothers me (but sometimes I assume what's wrong and make issues out of nothing). In the end I work more stressful than it really needs to be.
Fast-forward to last night and John and Gabby are cooking chicken as in Davidese "A food product so dangerous you have to actively keep track of what was touched by it raw and make sure it's properly cooked because it's filled with so many germs that want to kill me." To make it worse, Gabby leaves the house on some mad quest for free limes so I'm stuck in the house with this giant piece of raw chicken just sitting on the chicken counter. I couldn't go into the kitchen less I some how accidentally brush against the chicken and get infected and die. Even after she deals with the chicken I start to wonder "What did the chicken touch" "Her hands touched the chicken, what did she touch while she had the vile chicken death germs on her hands?" "Does she properly keep track of stuff like that and clean all infected surfaces and or objects?" "Why am I worried about this so much? It just makes you sick and only the very old and very young die from it right? But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm the exception?"
This morning my left arm and shoulder is a tad sore because I slept on it (and my right arm is stronger and doesn't get as sore as my left). But then I start to wonder if there's something wrong with my heart, because doesn't the left arm feels the affect of such problems. Then I start to notice ever pain, however slight, that happens to my body. And as I focus on this, fear happens, and fear causes stress and stress produces symptoms that can seem like heart problems (well to a layman anyways) which in turns only more stress.
I think I'm afraid of death because A. I don't have a religion that conveniently explains away death and B. Death is the ultimate loss of control. I feel safe because I've built up an illusion of control and the only thing I have no control over is death so me dying by something internal would be the ultimate betrayal of myself because my body allowed me to die. I know there is no Zen Buddist Monk trick where you can control your body and its functions, but in my "grasping for straws" I really want there to be one. But as the Doctor points out (I always notice I call her Doctor, but Carrie calls her by her first name) my fear becomes less about dying and actually becomes a fear of living. So while I'm sitting there afraid to make the wrong move less it kills me, I'm actually hiding from life. The problem with that is, while I know this logically, I still haven't fully embraced it emotionally. That might be partly because it's my intellect that I've used and relied on so long, it can understand more, but I've kept my emotions locked away so long, they're weak for not being used so long and it's just now catching up with my intellect. Also my value of my intellect explains a lot of my fears of heart attack and brain aneurisms, because they involve the brain and the brain is my symbol for my intellect and my intellect is a major uhm, totem for me.
Whoa, that's like 3 pages worth of rambling. See how confusing and twisted my logic gets and how much work it is to climb out of it. And what's worse when I don't find logic that fits my worries, I start making stuff up to fit in the space (and since I trust myself so much obviously I wouldn't lie to myself.) So I think these may have been enough to calm myself down (and not need the foreign control of Xantax) and continue on with work (but Work is a pain and stressful regardless of the mind frame I'm in).