(no subject)
I spent the day at home. Every spare moment filled my mind with thoughts of him. Which was why I tried to occupy myself - a little cleaning here and a little reading there. I’ve almost finished the book I bought yesterday when I went out to Newtown with Noseth and Leni. Anne Rice, trivial fiction, brilliant yes - but still trivial. I wish I didn’t forget the author of Silent Spring which would have helped me locate it in that nice little bookstore. A little more Huxley wouldn’t hurt either.
I’ve realised that the last time I was truly happy was 10 days ago. But if you have known misery as I have, you would know that it stretches time so painfully and impossible thin, till you think the very fabric of time may break. “Patience” he said, I hate the word, possibly because it’s virtuous and I do not have this virtue. Or maybe it’s just the desperation of escaping this stage lit with artificial light where I spend most of my time now. I’m sick of having to wrap my arms around myself just so I can sleep, sick of filling up this strange emptiness with lies - it will fall apart in the end, for droid’s void was only ever meant for droid. I could pretend that I’m loved, adored possibly even needed - but that will never happen, not after I’ve so utterly disgraced myself.
I wish I never meet him, but then my wishes are always so rash and unprocessed. Why was I not allowed to enjoy my newfound state as the child in the audience? I managed to get there after years of quiet angst only to fall in love with a star and plummet to the level of cheap groupies. I’ve never truly hated anyone, I fancied once that I hated him - but all this time I only ever hated myself. All this talk about composure, and grace - where am I now? Graceless, uncomposed, cheap, without a speck of the honour that I so adore, how I despised those who lacked honour!
But yes, I’ll stop this rambling. The only thing now that can sooth my helpless rage is the fact that I have learnt from this hideous blunder. At least I hope I did. That brings me to my Point. I was right; males are to treated with caution. Although I make an exception for males whom you only love as friends - they are okay, no need to distance oneself from their friends. It is only after you’ve let them under your skin that you must be careful. The main rule is not to let them under your skin in the first place.
Their affections are usually without emotions, if there are feelings attached then one can be said to be lucky - a vision without revelation. They seek affection like a drug addict; they want this affection no matter who the supplier may be. It saddens me to know that it is their true nature. I can do nothing but accept it. The sooner I come to terms with it the less I will suffer.
I hope he falls in love one day so he can suffer too.