I'm Depressed Again
Well, i'm pretty much depressed right now. I'm doing my homework while I write, but I just need to get some shit down. A lot of crap has been happening, mostly things I'm not really involved in but they bring me down anyways. A lot of it is family stuff, personal. Like, my dad is coming home and I'm actually pissy about it. I feel sort of bad..but since he's sick, I won't be able to do a damn thing over the holidays. I won't sleep well again, and I defiantly need sleep. I won't even be able to take a proper shower without having to get out three times for him to go to the bathroom because my family is so fucking rich that we get ONE BATHROOM! Hooray! Grrr...anyways..Other then that, drama is going on at school with Jacob, Tori, Jeremy, Amanda, etc..everyone and though I'd love to be involved i'm not really. I just sit back and watch and it's really irritating me..especially when I'm trying my hardest not to hate Jeremy with all of my heart, but he's dating someone I hate with a passion. And when that happens..it's like betraying my own trust. I know he likes her, and I don't dislike him for that, and I don't really have any right to even dislike him..it's just that I can't look at him the same. I know he's kissed her, I know he's done other stuff with her and it disgusts me. I can't even stand him hugging me anymore, I feel tainted. Like even if I go home and take a shower a hundred times I still won't get Tori's horrid mark off of me..It's pretty bad and I feel horrible especially since Jeremy and I had just started becoming pretty good friends. And he likes her! I don't want to feel disgusted by him just because he likes someone, that's wrong..but I don't understand what he sees in her. Then again I don't know her and I never will, nor do I care to get to know her. Everytime I look at her, I want to puke..I just consider her a slut and that means I don't want any association with her most likely STD ridden body..No thank you. I don't want Jeremy to get hurt either, because this is High School..he WILL be hurt. It's better to have no relationships at all. And that's where I get to my next little problem..I really want to be in a relationship. I don't even know why..Maybe it's the holidays and the whole couple thing, but I want to like someone. I want that feeling..but I don't consider anyone worthy and those I do, i'm too good of friends to be able to even think about dating them. It'd be too weird..I'm pretty much stuck in a corner of just having yearning in a way that it's beginning to hurt. It stings all of the time, like something is missing. I'm so stupid, so weak..I can't even go about four years without liking someone. I'm too much a teenager for my own liking..Stupid teenagers..o.o. I have a feeling I'm going to be my old depressed emo self soon. I get that way about once a year, looks like the beginning of 2007 is it! Woohoo! I'm excited, aren't you?! I'm also completely booked with homework and play practice, I can't stand it. I'm not doing a good job on my homework and reports either, I'm sort of blowing most of them of. Example..tomorrow I have a Science test. I did my study guide, but I bullshitted most of the answers. At this very moment, I should be studying but I'm not. I don't even care if I get an E on the test and it isn't like me. I don't understand why I'm acting so different lately..my mom is blaming it on the computer and my friends, but if I were to be parted from them too i'm afraid i'd lose all of the sanity I have left. I'd have nothing, I'd only have this depression I'm beginning to gather and that probably means I'd start cutting again, which is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I've even dreamed about cutting myself again..not like..attempting suicide or anything, just cutting. I know it's emo, but cutting used to help me so much. I got over it, but when I used to cut I felt free everytime I did it. Happy chemicals without masturbation! yay!...Should I start cutting again? Maybe it'll help the stress, but I don't think I should. After all, they say it's not healthy, though I'm still not sure about who 'they' are. After all, our body heals cuts..why not use that to our advantage, eh? Yeah, I know, I've got a good point..Well, it sounds good to me anyways. I'm probably just going through a patch, I'll get over it hopefully. Let's see..what else can I rant about? I don't think there's anything else..I'm feeling better. That's The Show, Folks...